Do men ever grow up?
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Do men ever grow up?
| Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:44pm |
So here's my dilema. I was married had 2 kids. Got divorced met a great guy, got pregnant then married but now I have not 3, but 4 kids because my husband is a total child. He never had responsibilites and made a lot of money so always was able to buy what he wanted....fast forward 4 years, he doesn't have the same job (I make twice what he makes) and he has responsibilites but he still spends like it's just him. Currently, he has half of his paycheck deposited into his own personal account, which was set up because he kept spending money our of our joint account and bills couldn't get paid. He spends the $800+ he gets into his account each month and asks me for more. He has so many hobbies that of course spend money. I don't ever spend money on anything for me. If I go shopping, I end up buying something for the kids or for him. Yes, I know, stupid me. And to make it worse, getting sex is like pulling teeth. I know he loves me but I feel like all I do is work and work and he gets to play and play. I've tried putting my foot down (threatening to blow up the next UPS or FEDEX truck that shows up with something else he's purchased) but somehow he seems to always turn it around on me. He won't go to counseling. We've tried, and he blames all our problems on the kids. I love him and I know he loves me but I'm so fed up. I make a lot of money and there is no reason for me be sitting here with a generator running because our power got shut off for non-payment because he bought a bunch of new paintball stuff using my card from my bank account...HELP

oh my God. wondering where the "great" is in he is a "great guy". not all men are like this. there is immaturity (I know it well), then there is IMMATURITY and IRRESPONSIBILITY. he appears to possess both. why on earth do you insist on respecting a man who so clearly respects neither you, your kids nor your marriage?
He also sounds addicted to shopping. get marriage counseling ASAP before your kids are so confused and jaded by what they see that they're doomed to repeat the same dysfunction. it's one thing to live like that without kids, but with kids you really need to step up your game. you two are their primary models and what they're seeing is unacceptable on all accounts.
Also, you insist on stating that you "know he loves you". If so, then why are you so fed up? I mean, is love a feeling or is it a group of actions??? Do his actions seriously show you he "loves you"? I would seriously think about that. I'm sorry for what your kids are witnessing. He needs to step up and be a man your kids need, and you need to stop immediately supporting his reckless and careless behavior.
You can find information on compulsive spending here:
HOW CAN I MANAGE COMPULSIVE SHOPPING and SPENDING
Signs and Symptoms of Compulsive Spending/Shopping
What is Spending Addiction - And How Do I Know if I have It?
Shopping and Spending
Family Finances: Shopping 'til you drop may be a sign of addiction
You can't make him go to counseling, you can't even make him admit he has a problem if he doesn't want to admit it, but if that's the case, you must also recognize that he may never be ready to admit he has a problem or want to stop what he's doing. What you can do is make changes for yourself. Decide how you'll live and, what you'll do and what you're willing to accept. I would strongly suggest you consider some drastic changes along the financial lines. If there's any possibility he has access to your bank account, close the account and open a new one that he does not have access to. Make certain he cannot use your card, keep it hidden and speak to your bank about how to keep him from accessing it. If you're at all suspicious that he knows your PIN number, change it immediately. Start a savings account that he is not aware of and do not let him know it exists. This account is a safety net for you and your children if you should need emergency funds. These funds should NOT be used to bail him out of anything he might get himself into. Paying the consequences for his addiction is what will push him towards recognizing his problem. Bailing him out allows him to continue to deny it's "that bad". If you have access to his 401K or whatever retirement account he has, check to make sure he's not drained it. Also check any IRA's, stocks, bonds or anywhere else he might be able to get cash. Run your credit report and his often to make sure he's not making charges you don't know about and hasn't obtained cards you aren't aware of. Open a credit account or two in your name only and cancel all credit accounts that are in both your names, or call the companies to find how you can permanently remove your name - and your legal responsibility - permanently from the account. He is out of control and is in a position to ruin you financially. You must take steps to protect yourself so that if he becomes hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt you aren't responsible for that same debt. Those are some good starts. Next up I suggest you seek some counseling for yourself with a counselor who is accredited in addictions and works with individuals in addictive relationships. It would also be helpful to find a local support group for living with a compulsive spender.
Take care of yourself and protect yourself and your children, this is serious.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It's funny that the word addiction comes up. About 12 years ago he was a crack addict. My mother always told me that addicts go from one thing to the next. Since we've been together (5 years) he's gone from buying tons of computer stuff, to paintball, to music equipment (he's in a band) and then when we bought our house, it has an unattached building behind it which he built into a movie theatre ($35,000) and now he's back to his paintball addiction. I'd like to think that he realizes I'm serious this time. Luckily I was smart enough and have great parents who helped us buy the house by getting the mortgage in their name. The mortage payment is direct deposited into their checking account straight from my paycheck. I opened a credit union account out of state that is only in my name and that is where our tax return is going. He has his own account...where his $800 goes each month and I am trying to get the joint account closed but I can't close it without his consent since his name is on it. If I open another account, then I have to worry about getting the other half of his check direct deposited into it. Bottom line, I make twice as much as him and if anyone deserves to buy whatever, whenever, it's me and the kids. Not him.
As for the kids, this is the first time that they've seen us "be without" something. I always manage to find a way to get them the things they need. At this point, luckily we have a generator and it runs most of the house so they have TV and lights when we get home, but in the morning it's just too early when we get up to turn it on. Luckily, they like getting ready in the morning with flashlights. Of course I just tell them that I forgot to pay it and that I'm going to pay it when I get paid, which is in a few more days. I don't want to add to the stress of the situation and blaming my husband for it won't do anything but make the kids angry.
My husbands mom has agreed to help in getting him to counseling. She's a great mother-in-law and she's very supportive and helpful, but only when asked. She doesn't butt into our business. Regardless, I'm going to go to counseling even if he doesn't want to go. Perhaps I can get some help on dealing with this.
Oh, yes, that's very telling that he was addicted to drugs. Is he in NA?
You may seriously want to consider an intervention. I wonder if that's something Debtors Anonymous could help you with.
But in the meantime, if he won't take this seriously and give you consent to close the joint account, I'd leave the joint account open for 1/2 of his paycheck to be deposited automatically, and then *immediately* move that money to your own account so he can't spend it and it can be used for household bills. Can you cancel any debit or cash cards on that account without his consent? If so, you should. At a minimum, change the PIN number. You also need to do whatever it takes to prevent him from opening new credit sources in both of your names...is there some sort of hold you can put on your credit report, perhaps?
Good luck and keep us posted.
Sheri
Look.....think logically.
If parents provide you with unlimited funds and options and privileges with no requirement on you to become self-aware, defined, responsible, and independence, secure, and successful by personal definition....would you do it? No.
Life will demand that of you when parents so "no more of my assets until you grow up".
He had a ton of money when you met - he doesn't mind "earning" money - but he doesn't want to have obligations, and requirements and responsibilities.
It's that simple.
He's not going to grow up......because nobody does grow up - until they're good and ready. They don't get good and ready until options, prvileges, and opportunities run out and they're under a bridge with nothing except their own abilities and efforts which are demanded to be put to use in order to "eat".
You say you make plenty of money......that's great. So why not let him spent it - you say that you two get along........but you're upset that he odesn't have the priorities and attitude of an adult.
Well hon, when you met he didn't either - that is precisely why you fell in love with him. There was you with two babies, no options, and lots of obligations....you loved his spontaneous, spirited, no focused approach and attitude with life.
He's still got what it is you got with him because of....enjoy it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Holy cow! You don't have electricity because he bought paintball supplies?!?!? Sounds like to me he has NO interest in being a responsible father and husband.
Are you living in his house or yours? If it's yours, I say it's time for him to leave and start supporting his own expensive games and toys, and let you start taking care of your own business.
YOU should not be explaining anything to the kids. HE is responsible for the mess you're in and he's the one responsible for cleaning it up -- including explaining why this is happening. Why are you not only taking the responsibility to explain it but also taking the blame for the problem???? This is enabling behavior that allows him to continue to do what he's doing. You need to have clear boundaries and not do anything that isn't yours to do. It's best for you and it's vital for him; unless you want to continue just as things have been. Your paycheck should not be used to pay for the electricity, even if you get paid before he does. The money should come straight out of his account and you should insist that he hand deliver it to the electric company himself. Again -- HE's responsible for this, HE's the one who needs to deal with it, period.
Have you checked about closing your joint account? I am free to close our joint account without anyone's say-so but my own. I've done it. What isn't possible to do is to take a name off the account. But, since his check is deposited in that account now, closing it wouldn't be a good idea. What you can't do is have his check direct deposited into an account that his name isn't on. Does your bank have online banking? If so, you can open your own account and once his check is deposited into the joint account transfer his check (or a part of it) into your account online. It' fast and easy and can be done the minute his check appears in the account. If you have a joint savings account, I would close that and reopen one in your name only. Doing these things might seem deceptive and also, but you need to stop and think that you're dealing with someone who basically stole your card and used it without your permission, knowing he wasn't supposed to and knowing he'd be found out. He also knew he was taking money away from the family and away from the funds needed to support the family. He didn't care, he did it anyway. YOU are the only one who's looking out for yourself and the kids, you have to protect yourself and in this, he is the enemy.
People don't necessarily go from one addiction to another, but once an addiction has been identified they can be more at risk for other addictions, as they have addictive tendencies. I'm guessing he's not in NA or any other help type group to keep his cocaine addiction in check, otherwise he'd likely be applying the same tools to his compulsive buying that he uses for his cocaine addiction. How did he get in control of his cocaine addiction? Did he go through a treatment program or what did he do? If he isn't able to recognize the same behaviors, the same feelings are going into his compulsive buy that went into his cocaine use he'd doing a good job of denial. He knows the feeling well and he's got to recognize it when it comes up. The only counseling your husband should get into is one that's specifically for addictions, compulsive spending.
Whether you can afford to support the family or not, he needs to be contributing to the family. Being allowed to play with his paycheck and not be responsible at all is not doing him any good and it allows him to continue to avoid thinking and dealing with responsibility. I am NOT suggesting you make him responsible for paying some of the bills, if you did he'd use the money for his own things and the bills would go unpaid. But, he should have to sit down with you when you pay them and recognize how much it costs to keep the family afloat. He should be responsible in as many ways as possible. Getting to be a big kid is not helping you, him and certainly is giving your children a very poor example of what men do in a family.
You said you'd like to think he he realizes your serious this time; are you serious this time? What have you said or done to make him think you're serious? What have you told him, what ultimatums have you laid out, and are you prepared to carry out what you've threatened (assuming you've made some threats)? What's different this time?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"