Do you stay after he cheats?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Do you stay after he cheats?
4
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 4:07pm
My husband of 16 years recently told me he had a short affair with a coworker. We have had 12 years of a wonderful relationship he was my best friend. I was 16 when I met him and only been with him. I love him but the last 4 years have been hard. We have a son who is 3 and is the joy of our lives. In the last year I have had to deal with his drug problems which is fixed now. ( I will not be with someone who is a drug addict) He lost his job recently and I am the only one working. His dad died suddenly this year and he told me about this affair that was over before it even started. Needless to say its been a tough year!
I am heart broken I still love him but don't know if I can get pass this. He refuses to go to conseling due to the fact things are getting better and feeling like they did the first 10 years we were married. I don't know what to do?
Do you stay after someone cheats?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 4:37pm

Well, for me the fact that he won't go to counseling would be a dealbreaker. He cheated!!! He's lucky you're even CONSIDERING giving him another chance! Given that fact, he needs to do whatever YOU need for him to do in order to get past it and if that includes counseling, well, then off to counseling he should be going.

I would recommend posting on the Betrayed Spouse board as well--you'll get responses from people who've been through it. It sure seems to me, reading posts there, that counseling is necessary if you're going to put your marriage back together.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:24am
It sounds like it's been a difficult several years, Nulf4me. Cheating is a huge issue and counseling is important to repair the damage that's been done as a result. Avoiding counseling means the issues that you have as a result of the betrayal stay with you and affect you for life. I guess my thought would be that yes, you might stay after cheating, some do and some find that too much damage has been done, that they can't get past it and leaving is the right thing to do, there is no one answer; however, not working on the issues with a therapist would pretty much doom the chance of ever having a happy, satisfying relationship, IMO. In your situation, it sounds like he has many issues to deal with on his own; those issues would be dealt with in counseling and they would greatly affect the happiness and strength in your marriage as well. I wonder if he would be willing to go if you put it to him differently:

  • Great that he thinks things are going much better, but you feel the need for help. Would he be willing to go as a way to support you, because you need it?
  • Does he know you're considering leaving? If not, would knowing that fact make him more agreeable to seek counseling?

    I agree that the board Shari suggested would be another good place for you to get feedback, understanding and support. You can find it here:
    Betrayed Spouses Support


    I'm wondering, how did he resolve his drug issue? Did he get into a program, N/A or something along those lines?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 9/18/2006 1:50 am ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-10-2006
    Mon, 09-18-2006 - 11:59am
    Thank you for your ideas. You are so right about the counseling, I need it, he needs it, if this is going to work we have to go. About his drug use, his source was cut off (sent to the big house!) that put a big scare into him.
    My happiness has been so dependant on him for so many years. I think we have been together for so long we don't know how to live apart. Or maybe it's just me who can't stand alone.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:49am
    Your happiness level and your relationship strength will be much improved when you depend on yourself. Our relationships are good when we're with someone because we want to be rather than when we need to be. Once you're sure of yourself you can have a strong and stable relationship; and if it's not what's right, you'll be able to move on.


    I don't know how long he's been clean from drugs, but either he was a recreational user only, or he'll likely relapse. An addict isn't usually very successful "white knuckling it", the term used for those who get by without the source of addiction by sheer will rather than by learning and working a program. Those who succeed by white knuckling it aren't happy people, it's hard to be happy when you're constantly forcing yourself to do something difficult. Please be sure to bring up the drug use to your therapist, it's important that s/he know the issue exists; s/he may see signs of addiction that you don't recognize and would be able to address them knowing the possibility exists.


    Best of luck, Nulf4me, I know this is a difficult time for you, but you'll get through it and things will be better one way or another. Your name tells me you're ready for change : )

    And if he won't go to counseling with you, go without him, it'll still benefit you tremendously.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 9/19/2006 4:05 am ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"