Does he even care about me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Does he even care about me?
13
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 2:38am

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but we seem to be arguing a lot lately. He gets mad about little things and what makes me feel worse is that it's when I try to do nice things. He recently joined the army and I want to be supportive by asking him about it and trying to get involved. That actually seems to make things worse. He has had important events that I didn't know about until later. He didn't tell me when he is going to be sent for training until I heard him say it to someone else that asked him about it. So when I asked why he doesn't tell me these things all he said was that he doesn't have to tell me everything he does, but yet he tells eveyone else about it. I decided not to ask any questions about his army things anymore.

Also, about a week ago we had another argument. He says that all I want to do is hold hands, but the only time we do is when we are out walking. Before he told me that I started to notice that he would hold my hand loose and barely holding it. So now we don't really hold hands. He doesn't show much affection, I guess you could say he is a cold person. I try to be nice and caring, but seems to makes matters worse and makes me feel unwanted. He has never said anything about hand holding before.

I sometimes hope that once he is doing his training he will miss me and show some affection. Since he also has told me that he wants space. Am I hoping for too much? What do you guys think? I have asked him if he seriously does love me and he said yes, but it's hard to believe him when he acts like this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 9:00am

I'm sorry that you've invested 3 years in this guy, and he's treating you like this. Some guys are cowards about breaking up with a woman, so he starts treating her poorly so she'll break up with him. Maybe this is the case here. Especially since he said he wants space. If he really thought of you as his lifetime partner, he would've wanted to tell you the important news of his starting date. I think this relationship has run its course. Do yourself a favor and let it end.

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. I'm sure you don't want to spend your life with a cold, unaffectionate man who doesn't include you in important news. And expecting him to change and miss you when you are apart is a pipe dream. If you're not happy with a man in the present, you have to accept that that's how life will always be, as change is not guaranteed, and unlikely with an immature and uncaring man such as him.

You are in the driver's seat. Do not cling to man just because you love him. Have standards. A man must treat you the way you should be treated, or he will not be a part of your life. It's your job to cut a man loose when you see he's not lifetime partner material. This leaves you free to move on and keep moving on until you find a man worth hanging onto. Always remember that you are the treasure, and a man has to make a daily effort to stay in your life. That is the path to happiness for you. 

Break up with him. Mourn the relationship. Stop contact for closure. It'll be quite hard, but the best thing for you, which you'll see later on when you meet a man who makes you feel like a priority and special every day. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 9:49am

I agree with Safire.  It sounds like the relationship has run its course and he's just not interested anymore, especially since he told you that he "wants space."  That's a huge indication that he's already checked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 11:09am

Look at the facts:  you've been arguing a lot, he doesn't even want to hold your hand, he asked for space, he didn't tell you about things that are very important--these are signs that he doesn't really want to be with you anymore.  I think you should tell him that he can have all the space he needs, like forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 1:44pm

Usually when a guy says "I want space" it  means either he wants to break up but is too much of a coward to do it or he's already met someone else.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 4:43pm

LuluBell137 wrote:
<p style="text-align:center">My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but we seem to be arguing a lot lately. He gets mad about little things and what makes me feel worse is that it's when I try to do nice things. He recently joined the army and I want to be supportive by asking him about it and trying to get involved. That actually seems to make things worse. He has had important events that I didn't know about until later. He didn't tell me when he is going to be sent for training until I heard him say it to someone else that asked him about it. So when I asked why he doesn't tell me these things all he said was that he doesn't have to tell me everything he does, but yet he tells eveyone else about it. I decided not to ask any questions about his army things anymore.</p><p style="text-align:center"></p><p style="text-align:center">Also, about a week ago we had another argument. He says that all I want to do is hold hands, but the only time we do is when we are out walking. Before he told me that I started to notice that he would hold my hand loose and barely holding it. So now we don't really hold hands. He doesn't show much affection, I guess you could say he is a cold person. I try to be nice and caring, but seems to makes matters worse and makes me feel unwanted. He has never said anything about hand holding before.</p><p style="text-align:center"></p><p style="text-align:center">I sometimes hope that once he is doing his training he will miss me and show some affection. Since he also has told me that he wants space. Am I hoping for too much? What do you guys think? I have asked him if he seriously does love me and he said yes, but it's hard to believe him when he acts like this.</p>

sounds like classic "separation anxiety" to me. He's just joined the Army, which means he's being retrained in a lot of areas of his life, I'm sure, not just with the basic training, but with them molding his personality to fit his duties.  Part of that is he may be emotionally distancing himself from you for his own self preservation in light of what he will be tasked with doing.

Outside of joining the Army yourself and going through the regiment along side him, you can't get involved in it.

To you, it's hurtful; to him, it's part of what he has to do. Unfortunately, clinging even harder to him is not the answer. The answer is to do as he asked--give him space.  He can't be who you need for him to be and he appears to resent it when you insist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 8:13pm

I want to thank everyone for taking their time to read and reply to my post. But I think Kendahke1 might be a little closer to the proble. All these things that have been happening started after he joined. He does seem to care and it's true when I try to get closer he gets mad. It's also true that soldiers need to change their ways. Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel better and convince myself of something that seems better than him wanting to break up. I just know that I am confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 8:52pm

It sounds like he hasn't left for Basic Training yet so I'm sure he has a lot on his mind....however that doesn't mean its okay to shut you out of his life. You and he really need to talk. You need to insist that he tell you what he's thinking, mainly does he want to try to maintain a long distance relationship? And you need to think about whether YOU want to try to keep it going, too. You probably know that there will be little contact for the first few months, then he will assigned to a base which may also be far from home---meaning that you may not see him very often for a long time.

He might be thinking that his life is going to change a lot, and he wants the freedom to change along with it. You didn't mention your ages but I'm guessing that you are both sort of young? The problem may be that he is preoccupied or it may be that he wants to end the relationship before he leaves for boot camp, or maybe it something else entirely. But the only way to know what is really going on is to talk to him about it.

There is a board for Military Families, it includes a section on Dating a Military Man. You could ask there if other women experienced what you are going through with your guy. Sorry I can't get the URL to post, but go to the Love & Sex section, then to Love & Marriage and its the first one on the list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 1:52am

In your first post you said, "I guess you could say he's a cold person".  To me that implied that he's always been cold.  Is that right?

A couple questions:  How old are you two?  Do you live together?

While he may be focused/nervous, whatever, you are well within your rights to tell him straight out that if he expects to have a relationship with you he has to communicate with you about where he's being sent, etc.  That's just common respect and you deserve at least that much.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 1:56am

Double post.  Sorry!


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Sun, 03-31-2013 - 3:22am

We do not live together and I am 22 and he is 21. We are both from the same year but I am from January and he is from November. Anyways, we have decided to stay together and stay in communication when he gets the chance.

I've recently talked to him and asked questions. I asked what did he care about and its was pretty much his new career in the army. I also asked where am I in all of this and he said he doesn't  know. After that I asked why didn't he know and he said because he doesn't know the future. So, is that suppose to be a good thing? But aren't you suppose to be sure about your partner? I know what I want with him, but I guess he just goes with the flow? I have tried talking to him about us and more about the future, but it just ends up as an argument.

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