Does he even care about me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Does he even care about me?
13
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 2:38am

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but we seem to be arguing a lot lately. He gets mad about little things and what makes me feel worse is that it's when I try to do nice things. He recently joined the army and I want to be supportive by asking him about it and trying to get involved. That actually seems to make things worse. He has had important events that I didn't know about until later. He didn't tell me when he is going to be sent for training until I heard him say it to someone else that asked him about it. So when I asked why he doesn't tell me these things all he said was that he doesn't have to tell me everything he does, but yet he tells eveyone else about it. I decided not to ask any questions about his army things anymore.

Also, about a week ago we had another argument. He says that all I want to do is hold hands, but the only time we do is when we are out walking. Before he told me that I started to notice that he would hold my hand loose and barely holding it. So now we don't really hold hands. He doesn't show much affection, I guess you could say he is a cold person. I try to be nice and caring, but seems to makes matters worse and makes me feel unwanted. He has never said anything about hand holding before.

I sometimes hope that once he is doing his training he will miss me and show some affection. Since he also has told me that he wants space. Am I hoping for too much? What do you guys think? I have asked him if he seriously does love me and he said yes, but it's hard to believe him when he acts like this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 2:10pm
I've stopped asking him about us. I thought it would be for the best because that way we don't get mad. I'll just wait for him to bring it up. Right now he is only thinking of himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 1:25am

"he said because he doesn't know the future. So, is that suppose to be a good thing? But aren't you suppose to be sure about your partner?"

The good news is that he is being honest with you. The bad news is that it seems that he doesn't feel certain that you are "the one" that he wants to commit to so he's not making promises that you two will be together for the long term. This gives him the freedom to break it off with you if he meets somebody else, and not feel guilty. Or he could eventually decide that you are the one. But IMO its good that he is being honest about it. He could easily tell you what he thinks you want to hear just to keep you happy, with no intention of following through.

You said that you know what you want with him, is it a commitment? From what you've told us so far he is not ready for that.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 3:42pm

LuluBell137 wrote:
<p>We do not live together and I am 22 and he is 21. We are both from the same year but I am from January and he is from November. Anyways, we have decided to stay together and stay in communication when he gets the chance.</p><p>I've recently talked to him and asked questions. I asked what did he care about and its was pretty much his new career in the army. I also asked where am I in all of this and he said he doesn't  know. After that I asked why didn't he know and he said because he doesn't know the future. So, is that suppose to be a good thing? But aren't you suppose to be sure about your partner? I know what I want with him, but I guess he just goes with the flow?</p>

A partner? Probably so.  A convenience? Probably not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Sun, 03-31-2013 - 3:22am

We do not live together and I am 22 and he is 21. We are both from the same year but I am from January and he is from November. Anyways, we have decided to stay together and stay in communication when he gets the chance.

I've recently talked to him and asked questions. I asked what did he care about and its was pretty much his new career in the army. I also asked where am I in all of this and he said he doesn't  know. After that I asked why didn't he know and he said because he doesn't know the future. So, is that suppose to be a good thing? But aren't you suppose to be sure about your partner? I know what I want with him, but I guess he just goes with the flow? I have tried talking to him about us and more about the future, but it just ends up as an argument.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 1:56am

Double post.  Sorry!


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 1:52am

In your first post you said, "I guess you could say he's a cold person".  To me that implied that he's always been cold.  Is that right?

A couple questions:  How old are you two?  Do you live together?

While he may be focused/nervous, whatever, you are well within your rights to tell him straight out that if he expects to have a relationship with you he has to communicate with you about where he's being sent, etc.  That's just common respect and you deserve at least that much.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 8:52pm

It sounds like he hasn't left for Basic Training yet so I'm sure he has a lot on his mind....however that doesn't mean its okay to shut you out of his life. You and he really need to talk. You need to insist that he tell you what he's thinking, mainly does he want to try to maintain a long distance relationship? And you need to think about whether YOU want to try to keep it going, too. You probably know that there will be little contact for the first few months, then he will assigned to a base which may also be far from home---meaning that you may not see him very often for a long time.

He might be thinking that his life is going to change a lot, and he wants the freedom to change along with it. You didn't mention your ages but I'm guessing that you are both sort of young? The problem may be that he is preoccupied or it may be that he wants to end the relationship before he leaves for boot camp, or maybe it something else entirely. But the only way to know what is really going on is to talk to him about it.

There is a board for Military Families, it includes a section on Dating a Military Man. You could ask there if other women experienced what you are going through with your guy. Sorry I can't get the URL to post, but go to the Love & Sex section, then to Love & Marriage and its the first one on the list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2013
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 8:13pm

I want to thank everyone for taking their time to read and reply to my post. But I think Kendahke1 might be a little closer to the proble. All these things that have been happening started after he joined. He does seem to care and it's true when I try to get closer he gets mad. It's also true that soldiers need to change their ways. Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel better and convince myself of something that seems better than him wanting to break up. I just know that I am confused.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 4:43pm

LuluBell137 wrote:
<p style="text-align:center">My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but we seem to be arguing a lot lately. He gets mad about little things and what makes me feel worse is that it's when I try to do nice things. He recently joined the army and I want to be supportive by asking him about it and trying to get involved. That actually seems to make things worse. He has had important events that I didn't know about until later. He didn't tell me when he is going to be sent for training until I heard him say it to someone else that asked him about it. So when I asked why he doesn't tell me these things all he said was that he doesn't have to tell me everything he does, but yet he tells eveyone else about it. I decided not to ask any questions about his army things anymore.</p><p style="text-align:center"></p><p style="text-align:center">Also, about a week ago we had another argument. He says that all I want to do is hold hands, but the only time we do is when we are out walking. Before he told me that I started to notice that he would hold my hand loose and barely holding it. So now we don't really hold hands. He doesn't show much affection, I guess you could say he is a cold person. I try to be nice and caring, but seems to makes matters worse and makes me feel unwanted. He has never said anything about hand holding before.</p><p style="text-align:center"></p><p style="text-align:center">I sometimes hope that once he is doing his training he will miss me and show some affection. Since he also has told me that he wants space. Am I hoping for too much? What do you guys think? I have asked him if he seriously does love me and he said yes, but it's hard to believe him when he acts like this.</p>

sounds like classic "separation anxiety" to me. He's just joined the Army, which means he's being retrained in a lot of areas of his life, I'm sure, not just with the basic training, but with them molding his personality to fit his duties.  Part of that is he may be emotionally distancing himself from you for his own self preservation in light of what he will be tasked with doing.

Outside of joining the Army yourself and going through the regiment along side him, you can't get involved in it.

To you, it's hurtful; to him, it's part of what he has to do. Unfortunately, clinging even harder to him is not the answer. The answer is to do as he asked--give him space.  He can't be who you need for him to be and he appears to resent it when you insist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 1:44pm

Usually when a guy says "I want space" it  means either he wants to break up but is too much of a coward to do it or he's already met someone else.

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