does he love me or my looks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
does he love me or my looks
6
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:16pm

So over eight months, me and my boyfrind (both 20 yrs) have been dating and together. As I have mentioned before, he is not romantic and dint really pay or do romantic things for me....and I have told him and he has slightly improved but I feel he is clueless. I spoke to my guy friend the other day and i told him my dilemna how all i want is some flowers or to be appreciated or have little things done for me since my boyfriend says he loves me. Me and my friend analyzed me and my boyfriends relationship and he thinks that my boyfriend doesn't love me by the way he is acting but he sure does love my looks and LIKES me. We noticed that...
when he did say i love you, it was because i was mad, and now he just says it at the end when we leave. my friend said if he loved me he would say it unexpectedly..he should wanna do and say nice things when he doesnt have to..thats true love then..not when they r expected
everything is leading up to the sexuaal aspect, we never just watch tv w o some move from him.
he does romantgic things or semi-nice things when he has to like when im mad or a bday or valentines day..not on his own will or daily
he doesnt really pay for dinners or buy me flowers much and I told him i like that and he has money..trust me
we work more in college than in the real world bc we maybe only c each other at night-sexual aspect
he cuts me off sometimes in sentences and doesnt say like ur so this and that and thats why i love u
he does call or text or AIm me everyday and cares about my life
when he visited me or i visited him, something just wasnt romantic..he didnt i dont know..make me feel romantic and when i visited him every single night we went to dinner w his whole family..and it wa wierd bc he said we would go out us two but never did...
he never buys me little presents or cute things that remind him of me
he thinks romance is buying a golf bag for, seeing a movie or helping a me find a job...no clue about romance and flowers even tho i explained it to him. duh
-we each saw the break up (the movie) and he sided w the guy and called the girl a nag..in the movie, the girl just wanted to be appreciated and feel special and wanted flowers which is the same case as me, he said she was a nag and the guy was cool and so right and the girl was annoying...in the movie the girl is like why dont u ever gemme flowers and the guy is like u told me u hate flowers. the girl in the movie is like, every girl likes flowers...my boy was like, she is so confusing..poor guy.. HELLO. the guy was at fault in the movie..it was obv. this is symbolic of our relationship..no flower..no appreciation.no romance. Yet I like him and fee comfortable
.
-My friend says this sounds like a guy who loves my looks, not me..he tells me every guy knows how to be romantic somehow and wants to pay for their girls usually and do nice things for them. I told my boyfriend recently what i wanted so lets see how he handles it. I hinted flowers and things so like how can he not get it. he told me has no clue about romance..my friend says he is just lazy and loves my looks, not me..he likes me and will just get by with what he can for the looks and sexual aspect

what do you think...If he does do something romantic for me, now ill think its bc i told him 5000 times and not bc he wants to. maybe he cant change..but does he love me or my looks and how can i tell

my friend says he played a girl and just liked her bc of her looks and eveyrthing i describe r signs..he was exact...

my friend has me thinking and looking at things in a whole new light i never saw b4..maybe its overanalyzing?

he says he wants a relationship..not a friends w benefits and non dating other people

Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 2:02pm

I posted this reply to you on another board, but I'll put it here also.....

First of all, if it were me I would throw your "friend's" advise out the window. it sounds to me like he is trying to get you 2 to break up (any chance he has romantic interests in you? From the outside looking in it certainly appears that way). "All" guys don't know how to do certain things just like "all" women don't. Everyone is different.

You keep mentioning all of the things he doesn't do for you but don't mention any of the things you do for him. Do you do the "little" things that he likes (not neccessarily the things you like)? For some, taking you to dinner with his family is more important than dinner alone. He cares about you enough for him to want his family to like you also.

Also, you are basing your opinion of him on a movie? You are complaining that he took "the guy's side" yet you are taking the girl's side ("HELLO. the guy was at fault in the movie..it was obv"). How is that different than him? I've never seen the movie, but from people I've talked to that have as well as interviews with both stars neither was "at fault". It was 2 people BOTH learning to deal with each other, communicate, and accept each other.

If you want romance - don't tell him, do something about it. You can't change him into being "Mr Romance" when that's not who he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 2:23pm

For those who aren't familiar with Tunatartar's situation, you can find her previous posts here:


paying
paying2


romance








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 6:10pm

*I also posted this in the other board and copied it here.*

tunatartar,

Can I just say wow. Hon, not to be totally harsh here but you are about as cluess to a real meaningful relationship as a nun would be in a male strip club. Not to mention alittle self absorbed. Ok. I'm really sorry for that attack, but in reading your posts I just get alittle miffed that someone could be so immature when it comes to a relationship and then they complain that it's always the other's person's fault.

<>

Actually dear you are the clueless one in thinking that flowers, candy and free stuff is just what is the norm. Being a girlfriend does not entitle you to free anything. Relationships consist of give and take, each partner sharing the responsibility of paying for things, dealing with problems. They work as a team. For some reason you are trying to shove an "i" in "team" and I don't get why. Why do you feel that he owes you everything in life??

<>

Hmm, have you ever thought that it could be for the plain and simple fact that he just doesn't want to tick you off?? And that it has nothing to do with your looks??

<>

I'll give you the saying it unexpectedly, but I highly doubt that the only reason he doesn't do that is just because of your looks. Could it be that maybe he just doesn't really love you like you think he does?? *Gasp* Wouldn't be a shocker to me considering your mindset towards him sometimes.

You seem to repeat that he does things when you are mad at him. You seem to be mad at him alot. Do you really think that's what a relationship is supposed to be?? The guy gives into the girls every want and when he doesn't she's allowed to get mad. Hello McFly! That's not how it is. Maybe he would be alittle more open to being romantic if you weren't so mad at him all the time for all the things you think he should do. Have you ever considered that he does romantic stuff, but because you don't think it is, because it's not what you want, that you blow him off, which hurts his feelings and makes him not want to do things anymore?? Now that's something to analyze.

You keep bringing up these flowers and it just makes me laugh. Hon the last flowers I got from my husband was when we were first dating, 2 years ago. Why are you so obsessed with flowers??

Yeah they are nice to get, but your boarderline obsessed with getting them. They aren't a status symbol, they aren't the meaning of the word love, they aren't these all mighty things that you parade around and your friends are all jealous about. They are simply a nice gesture, that is equal to calling, texting and AIMing you everyday like he does, they're equal to going to a movie and sharing popcorn and holding hands or grabbing on to him during a scary part, which I'm sorry hon, but I don't understand why you don't think that would be romantic, they're equal to caring about ones life, like you said that he does.

I just don't get how you think flowers mean so much more then things that most of the women in the world would think are more romantic then flowers. I know I would much rather go see a funny romatic comedy, share popcorn and hold hands with my husband anyday over getting flowers.

<>

So what is it that you really want?? Because I'll tell you right here, this sentence is the most condisending sentence I have ever heard on this board. You want something, you tell him, but when he does it, you don't want it?????? I'm actually starting to feel for this guy. Sorry to say, but can you put yourself in his shoes. You're probably confusing the heck out of him.

<>

Who cares. Bottom line is he's not going to change and you will forever be hounding him too. The reason he's not going to change is that he's not doing anything wrong. Both of you have different ideas of romantic. You need to realize that just because his is different doesn't make it wrong. If you can't accept that then you need to let him go so he can find someone who will.

I think that you need to stop talking about this to your male friends and listening to their BS. Men aren't always the same, so I highly doubt that your friend would handle a situation the same as your boyfriend. Again, sorry this is harsh. I know I shouldn't attack you, but sometimes we need harsh words to get through our thick skulls.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 6:40pm

I agree with defleppardgal. And I have to be honest and say that in all my years of dating (I'm 38 and have been dating since I was 14) I've NEVER had a guy do all the stuff you expect of your boyfriend. I think you're placing way too much importance on 'romance' and not nearly enough importance on everyday living.

I've only known one man who bought his wife flowers every week. And he was cheating on her at the same time.

Flowers and candy and paying for stuff doesn't make a good relationship. I've been with my husband for 13 years and could count the flowers I've received on one hand. And I don't think he's ever bought me candy LOL. And I can absolutely promise you that if I hounded my DH for flowers etc, he would NEVER buy them. Guys HATE to be hounded to do nice stuff. They are either a romantic type of guy or they aren't.

Many guys show their love in different ways. My DH shows his love for me by choosing to come home and be with our family instead of going out drinking with the boys. He shows his love by hugging me every morning before he goes to work. He shows his love by snuggling up to me on the sofa watching TV. He shows his love by listening to me talking about the good and bad in my life. He shows his love by calling me from work most days.

Hon, you've got to stop obsessing over this stuff. And YES, you are obsessing. Either accept him how he is or move on.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 7:08pm

Flowers die. And then they get all moldy and cleaning the vase is really hard. That's my opinion of flowers. A nice plant, I have a slightly different opinion of.

From reading all the things he does do, I also agree that you are way too obsessing. I'd ditch this guy, it'd be one of the nicest things you could do for him. You're his first girlfriend and he may very well walk away from this relationship thinking that dating just isn't worth the pain.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:06am

Tuna, if this were a good relationship for you, you wouldn't keep having problems and you wouldn't be unhappy with the way he treats you. You wouldn't wonder how he felt about you and you wouldn't be analyzing his actions with your friend -- you wouldn't have to because the guy who's right for you would be doing the things you want and need naturally because those are the things that are natural for him to do. You can't pick a guy then try to make them right, you pick the guy because he is right.


If this were the right relationship for you, you wouldn't have a problem, a worry or a complaint. But you do -- and you have tons of them. Let this one go and find someone who is more what you're looking for.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"