Does he REALLY "want" me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Does he REALLY "want" me?
16
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 1:21pm

After a 15 year friendship, I have recently feel in love with my high school admirer. I am a single Mom of 3 and he has been in my life for all the good and bad, although I've moved from city to city over the years.

Now that we are together, I find myself wondering how could l have avoided this man for so many years. But alas, here is my problem! We have pratically been living together for the past 3 months and he will not have intercourse with me. Although we do "other things".

I've brought it up several times and there is always a different excuse. "I want us to take our time", "I don't want to get you pregnant right away", "I want to be careful with the kids in the next room".

I want this man sooo bad. What can I do??? Please help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 12:44am
I want to make sure I understand this correctly. This man has been living with you for three months but refuses to have sex with you? Does he sleep in the same bed with you? How long have you been together as a romantic couple?


Thanks in advance for your answers, they'll help a lot in giving you an answer that makes sense to your situation.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:37am

Hi,

We have been romantically involved for about 3 months and Yes, we sleep in the same bed almost every night. I'm just really confused because his kisses are so passionate, and as I said, we do "other sexual things" (every now and then), just no intercourse.

Any advice would help!

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:44am

Is it possibly an issue with erectile dysfunction?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 12:27pm
I agree with you Kim, I was thinking along the same lines. It doesn't make sense that someone who doesn't believe in sex at this time would sleep in the same bed, there's something else behind his reason.


McCampbell, you're both beyond your teens or early 20's, right? I'm guessing that since you've had a 14-year long friendship, but I know that's not necessarily the case.


Do you have any suspicions as to the real reason he avoids sex? Any other personal/sexual-type activity that seems odd?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 1:15pm

Hi again. I'm so glad to get some feedback on this! We are both 34. My suspiscion leads me to think it may be a size issue. He doesn't have any kids, but I remember once that he told me he may have gotten someone pregnant, but it turned out not to be true.

I think it may be size because he doesn't allow me near "him". Everytime I try, he pushes my hand away, but he does "pleasure me", not often, but he does. So, if I'm correct, and it's size, I'm not sure when he will open up, but I just want to relay to him that it doesn't matter and I just want him to know that I truly accept him for how he is, because he accepts me...flaws and all.

It just don't know get the message across. I never thought I'd being saying this...but I hope that size IS the problem...and not something more unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 1:31pm

At some point he's going to have to open up and be honest about why he won't even let you touch him, because you're not going to be able to sustain a relationship without physical intimacy.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 2:59pm
Are you saying that because he thought he got someone pregnant once that this may be why he's concerned about having sex with you? If you're using a reliable method of birth control, that shouldn't be a concern. I do think that the fact that he won't allow you to touch him indicates either a concern about size, or an emotional type problem that he doesn't want to be touched or aroused.


Again, I agree with Kim. Whatever the problem is, and clearly, there is a problem, it needs to be resolved. Stalling won't make it better or easier. Have you done what Kim asked and discussed the issue outside the bedroom? If so, I assume it hasn't gone well, yes? Let us know, okay?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 3:45pm

I agree also CL, Kim gave some great advice. We haven't discussed the issue outside of the bedroom, but I will do that.

I only mentioned the pregnancy scare because to me, it means there is no erectile dysfunction issue.

So ladies...if it IS a size thing. Any advice? I've never dealt with this before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 4:04pm
Erectile dysfunction (ED) would not be out of the question if pregnancy were listed as a concern; first of all, he could say that as an excuse whether it's true or not (he's throwing lots of excuses now!) and secondly, ED doesn't mean he wouldn't ever be able to perform or that he'd never ejaculate. If his ability to maintain an erection is not 100%, he may be concerned that he'll "fail" in his first attempt to have sex with you, which would explain why he's avoiding sex. It's not something he'd be able to control, he wouldn't know when it would be a problem and when it wouldn't.


As far as advice if the issue is size, I don't think that's something that can be discussed until you've had sex and know if the small size is a problem for you.


Talking's first. I suspect he'll try to avoid being open and honest, and I'm sure it will be a difficult thing to discuss for both of you. I suggest being gentle but adamant about getting answers. If it's anything other than size, (ED, for instance) it's important to discuss what he's done about it and what he's willing to do about it. For instance, in ED, the first thing he needs to do is see a doctor and likely a urologist from there; ED is a symptom in many medical problems and those need to be examined. There are many different things that can cause ED and many different treatments for them, but if he's not willing to see a doctor, then you know your sex life will be pretty non-existent, which means you'll have to consider if you want to continue in this kind of relationship (I wouldn't be willing to do that). Let us know how it goes and what you find out.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 4:39pm
Something else that I think is very important for you to remain well aware of is that no matter how wonderful this guy is, in this he is not being honest with you. If he's not able to be honest with you about this, there may well be more that he's keeping from you. What might come up in the future that he'd not be open and honest about? Perhaps he's hiding the sex issue because it's because he's embarrassed or afraid of your reaction, but if that's the case, he's allowing you to enter into and continue in a relationship without the facts you need to be making an informed decision and that's not right.


Just be aware that the fact he's showing you he's not being open and honest means just that, he's not being open and honest - and that says something about his personality and character, and it enters into and compromises every aspect of your relationship. This raises a red flag that you need to stay aware of.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages