Donated sperm w/o telling me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Donated sperm w/o telling me
8
Thu, 11-28-2013 - 4:28pm

Hello all.

I'm so stressed today. My husband donated sperm to a couple he knows without telling me. The plan was that they were going to pay him $3,000 for the donation but he told them not to go through with it until he talked to me. He never talked to me, they used the sample and of course, they are beating around the bush about the money. Her husband is acting stupid and says that he isn't even sure that his wife used my husband's sperm. Now, the baby was born last weekend. This woman, MARRIED WOMAN, gave the baby my husband's last name. WTF is going on? According to the woman's husband, the baby looks just like my husband. If the purpose of this was to create a family for THEM, why are they trying to make my husband part of their family? Is she falling for my husband? Why is her husband so weak? There was a baby shower for this woman and they had her name and my husband's name on the party favors. BUT HER HUSBAND WAS THERE!!!! I don't understand what is going on. My husband now is conflicted because of the fact that there is a child out there with his DNA that he isn't going to be there for. What did he think was going to happen if the woman was impregnanted with his sperm? I'm just so tired of impulsive, stupid decisions on his end. I feel like I'm always the one that ends up paying for his stupid moves in the end. I'm hurt and it's hard for me to even look at him. I just want them to leave us alone and change the baby's name to theirs. Am I wrong? Besides praying, I don't know what else to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-29-2013 - 12:09am

Given what you have said, I'd think that your DH had an affair with the woman and that's how she got pregnant--and it wasn't planned.  Now why her DH wouldn't leave her over this, I don't know.  But for most people who use donated sperm, they would not put the sperm donor's name on the birth certificate or tell everyone he is the father--the husband is the legal father since they are married, even though he might not be the bio father.  And don't you think that people wouldn't spread it around, except maybe to their closest relatives, that they had to use a sperm donor to get pg?  Something just sounds fishy to me.  When a couple uses IVF, normally the DH goes to a lab to make his "donation."

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Fri, 11-29-2013 - 5:41am

I completely agree with Musiclover, your husband had an affair, the other marriage is clearly having problems or she wouldn't have put your husband on the birth certificate. 

tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 11-29-2013 - 12:50pm

Ordinarily, I would agree and believe me I've asked those questions and done my homework. We're in a rough financial situation right now and due to that, he was easily influenced into making a stupid choice. The husband is a guy that he's been networking with trying to secure employment with once his time in the military is up. Apparently they are having martial problems now but this lady is crazy if she thinks she's going to implant herself into our lives any further just because hers is messed up. The husband is weak and stupid if you ask me and apparently the wife controls the relationship. I don't know what man in their right mind would allow their son to have another man's last name. When my husband asked him about it, he just said "things got complicated". He's also saying that he wants a DNA test because he thinks the baby could be his biologically but the wife said she used my husband's sample. My husband got into a heated argument and almost got physical with him yesterday because of the money and last name situation. Last name, easy fix. Money, don't think we'll ever see that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-29-2013 - 3:43pm

It's very unusual for women who are trying to get pregnant w/ donated sperm to do it themselves w/o the help of a doctor too--although I've heard that lesbians will sometimes do it.  I'm a lawyer and I can see bigger legal problems than him not getting the money.  First of all, there was no contract.  I just Googled on line how much a sperm bank usually pays and it's $50 per donation--think about that.  Women who donate eggs get more because it's invasive plus a gestational carrier or surrogate mother might get $10,000--do you really think it's reasonable to expect $3000 for that little amount of "work?"  Yes, I think your DH sounds kind of dumb if he believes that stuff.  Plus if the baby is really his & this couple splits up, he could be sued for child support.  I'm sure that legitimate sperm banks have some kind of contract in place that the donating man is not accepting legal responsibility for this child but considering these people are known to him, if the woman says there was no agreement, they had consensual sex or whatever she says, he can't get off the hook by saying that it wasn't his plan to be a real father to the baby.  This is quite the mess.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 11-30-2013 - 1:35am

 Yeah, really stupid in a legal sense.  He had better hope that there are no repercussions.  No written contract,no lawyer, big financial liability.  And his name good luck he been had.  She has what she wants and her H will have a possible way to escape.  Guess whose holding the bag.    

 

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chaika

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 11-30-2013 - 1:41am

Yes, it is a real mess. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 4:02am

I also agree with Musiclover12 and Tobermory. The story just doesn't add up. I am betting your husband had an affair with the woman and inseminated her the old fashioned way!!!

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 9:55pm

I'm confused.  Musiclover suggested they had used the sample without a doctor.  You said he gave the sample then told them to wait until he'd talked to you.  Sperm has to be used quickly unless frozen, it only lives up to a few hours otherwise.  Did they do this without doctor assistance?  

Either way, I would see a lawyer asap.  I would see if I could get these people to supply you with a signed statement regarding this samples use (artificial insemination).

Good luck!


~ cl-2nd_life

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