Don't feel special anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Don't feel special anymore...
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:36am
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years now.

Anyway, I love him lots, but at the same time I am extremely frustrated with his attitude

towards our relationship: First of all he never makes me feel special or loved anymore. When I told him this all he said was: "We got past the impressing stage long ago" Now I don't know if he said it out of anger, but it still hurt a lot. Another thing is that I feel as though I'm the only one making the effort in this relationship, eg. I'm always the one calling him and sending him messsages..but he couldn't be bothered..and when i called him the other night he took his bad mood out on me and put the phone down without saying goodbye..and one last thing I'm tired of the same old routine we have..clubbing, movies, sitting at home..I'd like to get out and do different things..we not even married and he's carrying on like we are...he's highly critical as well, which pees me off...

Please help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:26pm
wish I had some words of wisdom, but I am in the same boat! All I could suggest is that, if he says the time for impressing is over, tell him, no, it isn't.. seems that time comes the minute they say "I do" Geeze, am I bitter today or what??

Good luck, and if you find anything that works, PLEASE share!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:44pm
Pay attention to what he says, his belief and attitude isn't going to change.>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You may love him lots, but unless you want to continue to be treated like this it's time to move on. He's told you plainly that he doesn't believe in doing making a woman feel loved or special is necessary after the chase is over. In other words, the impressing game is over and what you're looking at is the real him. You can whine, beg, plead and cajole and you might even get him to rev it up a little, but since his belief is that this shouldn't be necessary anymore, he isn't going to keep it up. Believe me, I've seen enough posts from middle aged women who are completely disillusioned, unhappy and flat out miserable because they married a man who doesn't do anything to show they care for them.

Considering the fact that he no longer can be bothered with calling or sending messages and feels secure enough that he feels he can hang up without recourse (and I assume without an apology) it sounds like the relationship you have to look forward to with this guy is pretty much zero in the way of affection or attention. Personally, I'd be pretty miserable with that.

By the way, you don't have to **AND SHOULDN'T** resign yourself to being in the "same old rut" after you're married -- those are the kind of marriages that are miserable to be in.

I don't think I need to comment on his being highly critical, the facts listed above say that even if it doesn't feel like it right now, he's done you a huge favor by showing his true self now. Much better to find out now, enabling you to get out of the relationship and find someone who's relationship goals are compatible to your own than to find yourself married to a man who turned into an uncaring oaf. Don't look at it as four years wasted, it was a good learning experience for you, you can come away with much more recognition of what you're looking for, what's important to you and what you will not tolerate in a relationship. No time spent is wasted, it helps you hone your knowledge and skills and better defines your 'must haves' in a partner. He ain't it.


"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"