Don't know if we're gonna make it....
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Don't know if we're gonna make it....
| Tue, 10-11-2005 - 8:20pm |
I need help. Today I had the realization that an actress on a show that my bf likes to watch all the time was a name I had seen on his computer (long time ago). I flipped out when I realized who it was. (All stemming back to porn suspicion, but this was when I found the porn and crap when he hid it) I flipped out at him too because I didn't like the fact that he seems to be into all these beautiful women and don't know what I trust him looking at anymore...
I can't stand him watching angelina jolie movies cuz he used to look up crap on her too. I don't even like watching one of our favorite shows we used to watch together all the time because there's sexy scenes in it all the time.
He says he doesn't know if he can handle my insecurity and I don't know if I can handle this either. This stuff did not bother me as much before the porn issue, if we watched a show with whoever in it, it didn't affect me like this, but I am a mess now and I don't know if I can handle myself anymore in dealing with this.
He lied to me before when I thought he was the one person that never would, did something I felt so disgusted with that he already KNEW I hated and even said because of "LOVE" he wouldn't need to but did anyway... Now I feel threatened even opening a magazine and seeing women who I don't know if he's looked up, looked up porn on, seen porn on, or just likes to check them out cuz they're hot....a stupid magazine I used to buy all the time which I put down only a few minutes later because all the reminders literally made me feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.
I'm just a mess....please help...
I can't stand him watching angelina jolie movies cuz he used to look up crap on her too. I don't even like watching one of our favorite shows we used to watch together all the time because there's sexy scenes in it all the time.
He says he doesn't know if he can handle my insecurity and I don't know if I can handle this either. This stuff did not bother me as much before the porn issue, if we watched a show with whoever in it, it didn't affect me like this, but I am a mess now and I don't know if I can handle myself anymore in dealing with this.
He lied to me before when I thought he was the one person that never would, did something I felt so disgusted with that he already KNEW I hated and even said because of "LOVE" he wouldn't need to but did anyway... Now I feel threatened even opening a magazine and seeing women who I don't know if he's looked up, looked up porn on, seen porn on, or just likes to check them out cuz they're hot....a stupid magazine I used to buy all the time which I put down only a few minutes later because all the reminders literally made me feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.
I'm just a mess....please help...

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Quirky,
It's real simple. You take him as he is, right this second. Which means you accept him being an addict and having had a relapse and not being in therapy or group or whatever, you take him as being very possibly addicted to porn and not getting help for it, etc. That is the ONLY thing you CAN do besides break up. You either accept him as is, or you let him go. And I know it's not easy. It's what I've been struggling with being married. Do I accept my DH and the way my marriage is, or do I move on? I haven't totally found that answer for myself yet. But I have learned that I can't expect Dh to change to what I want him to be. trust me, my DH has so much potential that it makes me nauseous sometimes! But it does no good because he won't DO anything with it. Now he says he wants to and he knows that I believe that about as much as I believe a tornado will strike my house while I'm writing this. I've gotten my hopes up too many times only to see him revert as soon as I drop the issues. Is he being different now? Yes. For the time being. Will it last? I have no clue. Why am I still here? Cause I'm MARRIED to him and he is the father of my kids. Plus, he can just be self-centered. He isn't an addict or anything like that. He isn't doing things I can't handle morally (ie porn). If he were, I'd be gone. And he knows it.
Only you can decide what you want to do and what you can live with. But you can't decide that you can live with it IF he changes into XYZ. You can only decide to live with him AS HE IS.
Jen
Ok ladies,
I've read the posts you put the link on here for. I am more confused than ever as to what to do. I do believe there are a lot of similarities between me and these other women. Maybe I am an enabler, I just really hoped that because there are a lot of positive things in our relationship that it wouldn't be this awful situation. He is a strong person whose life is very much on track, I had a lot of hope in that... I don't want a screwed up future, I want to be responsible for my own choices but I also don't even know if it would be fair to him to just assume he'll never be trustworthy or that because of his weaknesses I have to dismiss him completely? Am I just completely screwed when it comes to relationships? How can I ever have hope to have a good relationship?
I'm so confused...
>>It's real simple. You take him as he is, right this second. Which means you accept him being an addict and having had a relapse and not being in therapy or group or whatever, you take him as being very possibly addicted to porn and not getting help for it, etc. That is the ONLY thing you CAN do besides break up. You either accept him as is, or you let him go.<<
I absolutely agree. The only way you can ever find happiness is to accept your partner for who they are now. Don't look for potential and don't expect change. Sure, people can and do change, but don't pin your hopes on it and certainly don't expect it. If you can love him how he is now, then you can be happy. But if you're not content now, you never will be.
And for the record, I don't believe that he thought porn was wrong. If he truly believed it was wrong, he wouldn't have used it - especially knowing how you feel about it. And I also think his comments about having nobody telling him it was wrong is total BS. Actions speak far louder than words. I think he's just saying what you want to hear...his past history shows that he's quite good at this.
So, going back to the question of how to be happy, if you are going to be with this man you must accept that there is a good possibility that he will use porn again. If you can't accept that risk, then move on.
**edited to add**
just so that you don't think I'm talking out my *ss - both my DH and I have cheated on past partners. So, we are together knowing that there is a risk that one day, one of us may cheat. While neither of us would condone it, we both accept it as reality. If a cheating partner was an 100% dealbreaker for either of us, we would not be right for each other. When you're with someone, you look at their past and consider the risk factors. And you accept the risks or move on.
Edited 10/19/2005 6:31 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
OK...this porn thing is still bugging me - and I think that what he's said is rubbish -and I've finally figured out why.
When I was walking around the kid's school today, I saw a sign on the wall. It says something to the effect of "We own our own behaviour. Because we choose how we behave".
All through these posts, I've only seen excuses for your boyfriend looking at porn. 'Nobody told him it was wrong before'. 'The ex wife encouraged it' etc etc. I honestly can't recall where you've written he's taken FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his behaviour.
For example, I don't use illegal drugs (and never have) - but I have some friends that do use party drugs on a regular basis. They all think that drugs are OK - and I know that I'm in the minority of society never having used an illegal drug - but I CHOOSE to not use them. I KNOW that they are wrong and so I make a choice to not follow the crowd. If I were to decide to use them, it would be because somewhere along the line I had decided that drug use is OK. At no time is anyone else responsible for MY BEHAVIOUR.
Likewise for your boyfriend. He used porn because he thought it was OK. Nobody tied him to the PC to make him watch it. He made his own decision to watch it.
2nd life made the valid point that addiction can make people do things that they don't want to do. However, if he's not fessing up to addiction and doing something about it, you can only view his behaviour as his CHOICE.
Quirky, you can't take two "messed up" people (no offense, please, none intended) and think that because you have good intentions you can create a good relationship. Your histories, your preferences, your individual dynamics are going to dictate what happens, and it won't be pretty.
You have to "clean up" first independent of each other, then get back together and see if there's anything there. Does that make sense?
For instance, when I ended my previous marriage I was determined not to make the kinds of mistakes that led me to making the choice I'd made in my husband. I also knew that I was "damaged goods" because of the kind of relationship it had been. Much as I knew what a good relationship was, I also knew that I had lots of "junk" that needed to be cleaned out before I had any chance of having a healthy, appropriate relationship. I got into therapy and stayed there until my therapist told me I was done. Sure, I dated before therapy, but I also knew I was not looking for a relationship, I was simply looking for entertainment. No big attachments, no commitments, I wasn't ready.
Clean up first so you can realize what it is you want and what it is you don't want. Yes, I know you think you know now, but you're operating on a faulty system with faulty ideals. Clean up first so you know what's right for you and what's acceptable to have in your life.
Quirky, I really think you know this, but you're looking the other way, pretending you don't realize the reality of your situation. You're choosing to pretend that what he's saying makes sense and is reasonable when it's not. You're working very hard to get into a situation that will not at all be what you want. Pretending things are okay will not make them so.
You cannot take a guy who's not what you want and need (and this guy is not, despite what you say) and turn him into what you want. Like the others have said, you can only accept him as he is NOW. To expect anything else is unreasonable, unrealistic, irresponsible and foolish. Accepting him now means accepting a man who's had a recent relapse and is doing nothing to keep it from happening again. It means accepting a man who may have a porn addiction and if he does not he certainly has ideals and belief surrounding porn that are not compatible to yours and are not acceptable to you. It means taking a man you know is not right, which means dealing with the misery that will follow as a result. It means playing dangerously with your life and with your children's lives.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
Edited 10/20/2005 6:06 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with you Jen.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I absolutely agree, Aisha. The same issue bothers me too. It seems that Quirky is completely glossing over the issue and it's huge. Even if we didn't think it was huge (and we do), it was the topic that brought her here to start with, and at that time it was incredibly huge to her.
No one does things they don't think are right, certainly not in the privacy of their own homes! Whether he's an addict or his beliefs on porn are different than hers, the situation is the same, he uses porn and she says she won't accept it in her life. However, here she's willing to accept excuses that make no sense, look the other way and pretend it's all going to be fine. It seems her convictions on what she's willing to accept aren't as strong as she indicted previously or she wouldn't be willing to take such a chance. I also notice that she knew he was using porn before (he was masturbating to images while she was gone). She seemed to indicate she accepted that (and continues to accept that) just fine. That doesn't add up either.
Quirky, can you comment?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"I know that I do not have the greatest ability to find healthy relationships but I'm trying."
In your posts you've alluded to a dysfunctional past, both in childhood and in your previous marriage. In trying to find a "perfect" relationship, you first have to heal yourself before you can set out to find that "perfect" relationship. Your view of perfect before resolving your issues will be quite different than your view of perfect before resolution. No one is perfect in every way, but I think you know that too. I think what you were getting at in that comment was in defending your boyfriend's "imperfections". Leaving the toothpaste cap off is an imperfection, being an addict is quite another story. Leaving the car on empty is an imperfection, using porn when your partner will not have it in her life is another story. If you honestly don't see the difference, you're dealing with some thinking errors.
"I would like to hope that this man is someone who I can grow with, who because of the desire in our heart to be good people we will be of the same heart and mind..."
You cannot grow together until you are both healthy, functioning people on your own. You can "like to hope" that because of your desire to be good people you'll grow together, but that's not likely and that's not reality. All you can be sure of is who you each are right now, that's it. Maybe he'll change for the worse, maybe he won't change at all, maybe you'll do the same, maybe one of you will change and the other won't, or maybe you'll both change for the better but will end up not being right for each other as a result. You don't know what changes will come, all you can know is what you have right now and that's not right for you. It's great to have a picture of the two of you walking hand in hand into the sunset, but you need to pull yourself back to reality and real life.
"..and I guess knowing that he doesn't think it's right (porn) gives me consolation. If he is being honest in saying he didn't think it was right, I don't know that he realizes it may have been part of his addictive personality, but he has always been open to knowing more about himself and to trying to be a better person."
This is something we need to focus on. What in the world makes you think he doesn't think porn is right? Because he said so? After using it for a year? Come on, Quirky, that's not even plausible. Yesterday you defended him by saying he'd actually only used it for six months, which means he used it the LAST six months, after he knew how damaging it would be to you, how fragile you were, how much you were against it. Exactly how do you explain all that away? You say he was "pushed" into using by his wife, etc. Don't you even expect your children to be more accountable for their actions than that? I know I do. Do you really think that you would do something you believed was wrong (porn, for example) because someone else pushed you? Do you actually think you'd do something you felt was wrong when you were alone, no one there to push you or encourage you? And if this is part of his addictive personality, then you're saying he's addicted to porn. Now Quirky, you know better than the conclusions you're coming to. You know full well what an addiction that isn't addressed means. You don't control it, it controls you. You saw it in your father and you see it in your sister. He can't "handle it" or "stop it" on his own if he's addicted. He couldn't with cocaine or he wouldn't have entered treatment and he certainly wouldn't have relapsed. So the issue is this: either he thinks porn is acceptable, which means his beliefs and your beliefs in this area are not compatible, or he's an addict that's not addressing his addiction. Either way this is not acceptable. Frankly, Quirky, if you are that fragile and adamant with porn issues, you have no business being close to anyone who remotely thinks it's okay. I understand you thought you were in agreement on this issue in the beginning of your relationship. He lied to you, you continued the relationship without the information you needed to make an appropriate decision. That's lousy, but it doesn't change the truths of the issue. You're grasping at straws at trying to find an excuse to let this issue be okay. Pretending it makes sense, pretending it's okay is not being appropriately protective of yourself. You're not taking appropriate care of yourself.
" Should I tell him to go back to groups or I won't be with him? I don't know what he needs to do in order to show me he's for real..."
Again, Quirky, like I said yesterday, you cannot dictate what he does, how he chooses to handle his addictions. This must be judged solely on what he chooses to do on his own because what he chooses to do on his own is what he believes, how he plans to live his life. The changes he makes (if any), need to be changes he'll make whether you stay or go. He needs to make these changes because this is what he feels is right for him, for his life, period. Changes he makes to keep you there will be temporary because he doesn't really believe in them. You don't decide whether someone is appropriate by telling them how to act then observing them doing just what you've said, you decide by watching what they do on their own. That is where their character is, their choices, their morals, their values. If he's not going to groups it's because he doesn't think he needs them. If he uses porn it's because he thinks it's okay, or he's addicted -- in which case he's still not seeking help. Can you see that? We all try to be better people, at least most of us do, but that has nothing to do with being an addict, or with dealing appropriately with your addiction. Here again you're trying to equate normal, everyday human actions with addiction and it's not the same.
"...I don't want an unhealthy relationship...I don't want to be blindsided, or lied to..."
You are in an unhealthy relationship, you were blindsided you have been lied to. Those are facts you cannot change.
"I don't care if he's not perfect, I just want someone who knows me, understands me, and I want to know and understand them, I want someone to grow with and learn with and he's the first person I feel I've been able to do that with..."
No one's perfect, but being imperfect and being at the least an addict and a liar and perhaps an addict with a new active addiction that is not being addressed is a far cry from "imperfect". You thought he was someone you could grow with and learn with because you didn't know he was lying to you. Your feelings for him and your beliefs about your relationship are based on lies. You didn't have the information you needed to continue to move forward in this relationship. He's another example of what you once thought was perfect for you but have since learned is not at all. You said earlier that in previous relationships you ran at the first sign of trouble. Face it, Quirky, if he'd been honest with you at the beginning and said, "I use porn and think it's no big deal" or "I'm addicted to porn but I don't want to get treatment for it" you'd have been out of there like a bullet, and appropriately so. The only difference is you didn't have the truth, you didn't have the real information that allowed you to make the right kind of decision for yourself. As a result, you've grown closer to this man, but it's based on lies and deceit -- and on issues that are very dangerous and harmful to you. Nothing's changed except that you believed he was someone he isn't. It hurts and it's hard, but it's right there.
"I just really do love this man and I respect him in many ways and I know he loves me too and respects me."
Great, but you don't respect his actions and you don't respect his lying to you. Actively doing something that he knows is very harmful to you is neither loving nor respecting you, quite the opposite. You're doing a very good job at trying to see only what you want to see to justify staying with him.
"He went totally and completely out of his way this past weekend for my b-day ...He took me to Niagara Falls, ...he bought me gifts and dedicated the entire time to me...we talked about things for hours,"
You can't tell me you don't know this is a very common reaction, going overboard to make up for a wrong, doing everything to *prove* it's okay, win her back, change her mind, make it right. This is fluff, fairy tale stuff. You never heard of guys bringing flowers after an argument? This is just a lot of flowers. Once the relationship is back to being "safe", the fairy tale ends and reality is back. Come on, Quirky, you know this. Romantic games are just that -- games. "but this is the man that I want in my life and if it takes effort to get to a point where we know this is going to work then I know both of us are willing to do that, we just have to know what to do! So tell me what to do, tell me what we can do, in practical ways."
If this is the man you want in your life, you have to take him as he is. No one can tell you what to do to make it right, you have to (you'll recognize this at this point) observe the choices he makes for himself regardless of you and (here's another one) face his porn use with reality based logic, not how you wish it was or what weak excuses he offers for you to eagerly grab up. "He really is a kind and wonderful man and I know I've bitched a lot but I am lucky in many ways to have him."
HUGE red flag! You think you're lucky to have a man who's lied to you about an extremely important issue for six months? Who was angry and didn't accept responsibility or allow you to deal with the pain his lies caused? I'm sure he has his good qualities, everyone does, but please, for your sake, keep your head on straight and look at reality."I have become a better person because of him and I'd like to believe he's become a better person because of me..."
That's good. I think most mature adults would agree that you gain from every relationship you've been in. This goes back to a previous post I wrote to you:
Here's how I've come to see relationships ... " don't want to lose him and I know he doesn't want to lose me either but we need concrete means of making healthy relationship because I know that is what we both want. I'll even give you his email so you can give him suggestions!!!"
If you don't want to lose him you'll have to accept his addiction and how he handles it, his porn use and the possibility that it is another addiction, period. You make healthy relationships by being emotionally healthy people. To do that, you have to work independently. You can't build a healthy relationship while you work on being healthy people. He doesn't need direction on what to do, he needs to do what he thinks is right in his life and you need to use his choices and decisions to base your decision on whether this is the kind of person you want to be with or not. Like it or not, you cannot disregard the lies, the deceit, the actions and the likelihood of continued action (porn use). His excuse for using porn is just that, an excuse that doesn't make him accountable or honest. That has to be factored into an honest and real assessment as well. Quirky, from here it's all just a repeat of what I've already said. You are clearly working overtime to justify him, to minimize serious issues and serious indicators of major problems. You call the shots for your life. You make the decisions. We've told you over and over what we think, you keep coming back with the same thinking error type responses, the porn isn't an issue, it's all better, you can "make" him better, you can "tell him what to do" to be what you need him to be, that he's "perfect" for you when he's dangerously not perfect. Another dangerous example of thinking errors is in your description of your exhusband:"think he's quite possibly one of the best men I ever met...even belittled my need to turn to therapy or medication...", you also described him as being "cruel or condescending". THIS is your idea of quite possibly one of the best men I ever met? Can you not see your ideals are far off from where they should be?
You owe us nothing, it's your life to do as you choose. You don't have to justify anything here, just make your decision, share it with us or not, and do what you want. You're the one who has to live with your decision, not us.
You say you've seen indicators of enabling from the other post, then you know you have some issues that are playing into this and that are attracting you incorrectly. Moth to flame, you know? Until you heal yourself and learn appropriate relationship skills you have no business moving forward in a relationship, IMO. Why? Because you're attracted to the wrong things, to dangerous things that will hurt and damage you more. Get healed, get educated, then go look for the right guy, but finding a guy and trying to make him be your "knight in shining armor" is an exercise in futility and will only end up with you saying again, "When I married my husband I thought he was perfect for me..." You know (whether you want to admit it or not) that your boyfriend is very far from perfect for you, many of the very qualities he possess are dangerous to you, that's not perfect. Make the choice you want to make, but don't do it pretending you don't know any better.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I spoke with my therapist today and i have told her everything that has been discussed here and probably more since I am able to speak to her.
She has explained that what I am doing for myself right now is positive, that I am going against codependent behavior when it is what I've been accustomed to doing and that I am not being an enabler. I came away from the weekend with my bf with a better understanding of who he was, a lot of honest conversation and the hope that we will find a way through this. I am not going to make any decisions as of right now.
btw I am 29. And about my knowledge of his porn use, I was suspicious of it in the beginning of our relationship, voiced my disapproval, was still suspicious but had hoped he was staying clear of it but found out he wasn't.
Anyway, she had said that "healthy" relationships are somewhat relative. Me not knowing what a healthy relationship is, having extremely poor models, I haven't been in any that were very healthy and thus far this is probably the "healthier" of relationships I have been in.
If this man is being honest with me and truthful, I can accept him the way he is right now. I do believe him when he tells me he's being truthful. My therapist agreed that in the time I've known him, he does not use some words without consequence. If there was a time that he thought he couldn't do something he has always said "I can't promise you anything". Even when the ultimatum came to porn he said that but he has said to me that since that time he does "promise" he hasn't done it. I know there's no guarantees on what a person will be like down the road, there isn't a guarantee on anyone, even the person you may think is "perfect" at the beginning. I understand that later on down the road he may struggle with things that maybe someone else never would, so might I. I just don't see how relationships are so cut and dry or how I can dismiss this person who I do have a lot of respect for when they seem to be willing to try.
I am going to definitely suggest that he do one of 3 things my therapist suggested to me that he may need to consider for himself. and honestly I think only time will tell but I'm not ready to give up on him because of it. I don't want to trash something I have built up with this person right now, who knows maybe I will feel differently later but right now I see effort on his part and I see him being genuine and open.
Thus far in my life I have dated many people, I have gotten seriously involved with maybe a handful and slept with only 3. I don't easily involve myself with people who I don't feel are either right or compatible. I understand my judgement was wrong before but I suppose that's the chance you take when you fall in love. Side note too, I got pregnant with my x before we were married and that was a contributing factor why we got married.
I don't think perfection exists and I have to at least be able to trust myself and right now I don't think I'm trying to pull the wool over my own eyes to make things seem rosy. This man is my best friend and even if he had an issue with this, it is something that still needs to be dealt with in one way or the other and hopefully he will deal with it because if he doesn't that will prove to me what he truly believes, but I haven't given him a chance to do that yet. If indeed he is being honest and truthful with me (which I honestly believe he is) then he IS the person I want to be with. If he continues to have the openness he's been showing me then he is the person I want to be with. I trust the person he is right now.
The scariest thing for me is that I feel like I have to throw all things into doubt instead of actually trying to trust someone. I am feeling pressured that I am making a decision without knowing all the facts or having all the information. I don't think I'm stupid, I don't get involved with people whose lives are going down the toilet. I would actually think I am a decently good judge of character when it comes to people. Yes I know what happened in this relationship but I don't think it makes him a bad person. If his morals were not in agreement with mine, I would move on, but the fact that he at least seems to be in agreement is important to me.
At this point I don't feel like I have enough information or enough answers to know where this is going to go. I don't really know what's going to happen but I do expect him to take more responsibility where this is concerned, whether he's afraid or ashamed to I'm not sure but I won't let it slide. It may mean us not being together later on, it may mean he had an addiction, it may mean that he thought it was ok but is learning more of why it isn't. I know that sometimes I had to learn more about things before I disagreed with them even more...doesn't that happen?
Again, I will say, if he is being truthful with me and honest then he is the person I want to be with. I am not lying to myself or trying to justify anything at this point because I believe him. There is some kind of connection that we have that is hard to explain, we laugh together, we cry together, there are always uncanny ways we are thinking or speaking alike or doing the same things (I know this is all fluff, but it's part of our relationship). I feel safe with him and honestly I think I could tell before when the porn was an issue because I could feel a distance from him and I don't anymore, esp after our talks this weekend. The reason I came on here was because I was still hurt and upset and felt he wasn't receiving that and he is now. I believe he is trying to take responsibility, and I have yet to see how much he does take...
He is not a bad man, he tries hard. He is very loving and I see it only getting better. He's a strong person and I have seen him want to do the right thing. He's not perfect and I'm not perfect but I feel like we are perfect for each other. My heart is telling me to believe him and to trust him and that's what I'm going to do. I do think life is about learning and I really do believe we are doing that together and I don't think that is a bad thing. I know he wants what I want and that's all I have to go by because who's to say that I won't dump this guy, go find the most perfect human being I ever meet somewhere down the road, and maybe he will change in 20 years and there won't be a damn thing I can do about it... there is no guarantee in anything or anyone, so what judgment do we have to go by then? Even you said that someone who is so upstanding may be hiding something we will never know so what judgement do we have to go by then? If the most perfect of people can be hiding something and the best of liars, can it not be the opposite that the person who got busted and made mistakes can actually be on the right path?
I am not going to get hostile or anything but I don't consider myself stupid. I try to make the best judgments I possibly can with what I have to work with. I trust my heart and my instincts when it comes to the people I put in my life or the places I end up and considering the crappy role models I've had I don't think I've done the worst job at all.
I'm not going to blind myself to the possibility of my bf having other issues that need to be dealt with, but I don't agree with all the warnings everyone is giving to me. The good in him definitely outweighs the bad and even with this issue (which I'm sure is very common and I know I am one of the minority that doesn't like it and won't have anything to do with it, which I don't even know if I have to also take into consideration in all of this) I still see him to be a good man with a good heart with a lot of strength and one who seems to be willing to face his own demons. I won't let him go right now and I'm ok with that decision. I see a lot of good in this relationship and now after all this I see us even being able to be happier again with each other. I do believe he's being honest with me and I have to trust that at least if nothing else.
Maybe I'll be back one day to tell you all you were right, or maybe I'll tell you I thought you were wrong. Right now I know I have to concentrate on not concentrating so much on this anymore and letting time and life take its course. I finally feel like it's not consuming me like it was when I first came here.
Granted coming here has given me a lot and it has made me realize I can't control anything that happens or goes on which I was trying to do before. I need to concentrate on myself and my children and forget so much what he might be doing all the time because he would do whatever he wants to do regardless (but I don't think he is).
But anyway, I do appreciate everyone's feedback even if I am not listening to your advice, or maybe I am but not in the way you think I should...I dunno, but I am not saying goodbye for now. I'd really like this to work out, I don't even know if it will at this point but I have to believe that it possibly can and that people can be trustworthy, otherwise who can be considered trustworthy and what kinds of things do they need to show they are trustworthy?
By all, thank you again, and even if you think you didn't - you really did help me.
Take care all of you lovely ladies...(((hugs)))I'm sure I'll be on here giving my 2 cents every now and then or maybe coming back with a new problem or needing a shoulder to cry on if it ends or maybe even a victory dance...!!!
Best of luck, Quirky, I hope it all goes wonderfully for you~!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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