Don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Don't know what to do.
6
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:20pm

Hi. I am new here. I figured this would be a good place to maybe get some help and advice.

My fiance and I just moved in together a month ago. Before that we only saw each other on weekends because I lived in another state. I love my fiance to death. But ever since we moved in together we have been so unhappy with each other. He is always in a bad mood which seems to bring me down. He is trying to become a paid FireFighter. Right now he is a volunteer. He wants this so badly and it seems like until he gets this job, he will never be happy. We don't have fun, we dont go out anywhere. If I mention doing something he usually snaps back about why cant he just have a day to relax. We hardly have sex anymore. Everytime I try to talk about it he tells me "This is the way I am.". Trying to get him to do anything that has to do with planning the wedding is a chore. He came with he to see a band. That was it. If we had a wedding appointment to go to or any other plans and he gets an email or letter about something that has to do with the fire department...we have to cancel our plans. If I say something he tells me I am being selfish. I feel like I am whining and I dont want people to say "Oh poor you", but I dont want this to be what our relationship is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:11pm

Sounds like you have some decisions to make.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 3:27pm

>> Have you consider what life is going to be like with him if that happens?<<

My EX husband (note the ex) was like how you describe your fiance. Do you know how awful it is to have to go to the movies on your own? Or to tell my friends hosting a party that he's 'sick' at home (when there's nothing wrong with him)? Or to never have company when doing the groceries on the weekend?

I remember literally begging him to do something nice with me once per month. All he wanted to do was stay at home and think about how miserable he was.

Also, like your fiance, my husband had a polarised view of his career. In this case, he hated what he was doing but said that he couldn't do anything else. When I suggested getting qualified at something new, he'd say that he didn't know what he wanted to do. And so the only result was him continuing to mope about. It seems that neither of these guys are able to look for an alternative.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:09am

I'm so sorry Tinkerbell, what a shock this has to be for you. Totally opposite of what you expected -- totally opposite of what you've seen from him up until now.


My guess is that what you're thinking (hoping) is that this is temporary and he'll be back to the guy you've known all along soon, am I right? Much as you'd like to believe that's the case, it isn't. First of all, you were only with him a few days a week before; he was able to pull it together for those few days, but living together, there's no way he can pull it off. What you're seeing is the real him, believe it. He's even telling you this is how he is, and like Dirextor said, "when someone tells you who they are, believe them". He can't tell you any more clearly than he has. Now you know and as hard and hurtful as it is, you have to use that knowledge to make the right decision for yourself. You already know this situation is miserable, it's awful to live in that kind of environment, being around someone who's negative and angry all the time is draining and stressful - it's no way to live. You hate it after a month, imagine how a life time of it would feel....


Another important thing to consider is that having only been living together for one month, you two are still in the honeymoon phase of your new step. At this stage of your living together, there should be virtually no problems at all because you both should be so focused on each other, getting to know each others habits, likes, dislikes, etc. in your living arrangement (like you would with any new roommate, but with lots of romance on top of that) that it's literally all good. This first part is the best it's going to be, really. Once the newness wears off so do the "nice fronts" and manners. Since this is the best and the worst is yet to come, Tinkerbell, you've got nothing good to look forward to.


I'm sure you feel anything but lucky, but you are indeed lucky. My ex-husband was like your boyfriend, only we didn't live together before we got married so when he changed completely the day we got married I was stuck (at least I felt stuck), I was married to the guy. If we'd lived together before we got married I'd have had the chance to see who he really was before I committed myself to him. It's because of that experience and the awful years I spent before I finally divorced him that I resolved never to marry anyone without living with him first. Consider yourself lucky, you've had your eyes opened before you made a huge mistake.


What are you thinking about this, Tinkerbell?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 10:13am

Well, here's the thing.

A long distance relationship has the atmosphere of an affair. Because you have to plan to see one another, make effort and expense to do it, and so you prioritize onlly having fun, being pleasant and impressive, and pleasing the other person for that entire duration.

they leave, and you go back to real life obligations,pursuits, interests, requirements...and you gear up again for the next "weekend" - where you won't have chores, concerns, or worries- just one solid play period.

So now you live together.....apparently having only dated on weekends for some period of time.

You're now finding out how he handles "real life' and how he approaches life - before it's not that you were seeing an act, it's just that you were his only priority in the times that he was with you. And vice versa.

Because now of coursey ou're wanting him to be more involved in planning, and daily activity which isn't what you expected of him, when you two were long distance dating either.

So I'd say back off the wedding plans....live together for a year or two and see if your lifestyles and approach to life mesh and allow both your individual identities to blossom and expand as you require of yourselves personally...and then see if you want to make a legal obligation and commitment.

Because "aisle/altar/hymn is not I'll alter him".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 1:05pm

(That's my lightbulb going on in the emoticon)








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 3:45pm

If you really thought about it....why would a person do LD dating and relationship if they wanted daily interaction and requirement to compromise, communicate and consider the needs, goals, and standards of someone else at all times?

I think it's become popular to claim "I want a relationship" - with everybody assuming that means the same thing to everybody in terms of needs ot meet, requirements to live up to, expectations to have and hold, etc.

And it's become so ppopular that you can't admit or get someone to "just date" you for any length of time if there is proximity.

Dating is not a relationship, and it'sn ot how you find a life partner, or at least that is not the only purpose of dating, and it's not the interactive element of dating.

Dating is about in the moment fun, sex, companionship, and interaction as mutually agreed to. Some people are doing that in order to "find" someone that they share enough fundamental commonalities with because they want partnership....and some people are doing it strictly for in the mment entertainment and enjoyment in terms of "commitment" - they have no problem committing to exclusivity in sex/dating because they're not wnating partnership and this guarantees what they do want - fun, sex, companionship - without having to find someone else...but exclusivity doesnt mean I am seeking to compromise, consider, and include you at all times equally with my own needs, wants, and priorities in life when I am making decisions and plans and actions.

So it's very hard for someone "not wanting a relationship' to find someone to date consistently for a period of time...everybody at some point wants that "talk" about wehre this is going. And everybody wants "more" inclusiona nd interaction than that type of person is willing to have - even in infatuation.

So if you can find someone that you find appealing and intresting - you can "date" long distance and stall out that conversation, and eliminate that expectation of more interaction and inclusion.....The claim that "the one for me is 250 miles away"...is bunk.

They're "the one" for you BECAUSE they're 250 miles away and if they lived around the corner you'd want no part of it. Expectations and requirements would be different. We all seek the dynamic interactive that we're comfortable in and that meets our needs and gaols for that relationship or interaction.

If your emotional and rational mind is not in sync.......you're "emotionally driven". It means your feelings are more prioritizing in your reasoning and action patterns and so facts are skewered or ignored when planning for goals or assessing situations.

But rational you ain't dead........we're all programmed with fight or flight. And that is the rational assessment of only facts in light of danger and options to flee it.......so when emotional you drives the car at 200mph ito a brick wall enough times...ratinal you says "okay, we've got to eliminate these disasters from having this external, financial, and negative pervasive toll. Rational and emotional you are in conflict....how youo're goig to "feel" is not at all able to b considered by rational you in ligh of the fact emotional you is driving the car that is your life.

Rational you then goes into stealth mode, so that what appeals to emotional you is unavailable to be engaged in destructively in the immediate realm. Emotional you is a child - it's got a short attention span, it's fat and lazy........it hasn't been utilized properly and as a result has more power and authority than it should, more control than it should, but less maturity in associative realms than it needs.

So rational you makes it to where the only people that really "appeal" are either "unavailable' to you because of their situation, or less available to you because of whre hey are. Rational you just waits out emotional you..........while emotional you pines, frets, manipulates, and stews.........what you think you "need" an how to get it can't be gotten in the ways that you normally pursue to your own destruction.

Our internal conflict goes outward for external validation or resolution. People without inward conflict of rational and emotional self are often termed "serene"....and serene people cannot be seduced by any element. They're focused, driven, self-aware, and self-responsible and are in rational/emotional sync. so that rational self is making decisions, that meet the needs and questions of emotional self in intelligent, responsible, successful and mature ways.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com