Drinkers dating non-drinkers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Drinkers dating non-drinkers
15
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 7:55pm

Does anyone here have mis-matched drinking habits with their partner? For example, one drinks, and one doesn't, for whatever reason? What does

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 9:13pm

Congrats on your sobriety anniversary! Most of the men I've dated in my 16+ years of sobriety have been drinkers so I've had some experience with this type of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 9:44pm

My husband likes to drink far more than I do when he's out having a serious celebration.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 9:58pm

I'm not sure you would have a horrible time if you went out to bars with them after the wedding (the wedding that neither of you are invited to yet, remember). Would it be preferable for you to spend time in bars, or to stay in a hotel room or go out to a movie by yourself or something? Maybe she would have other relatives staying in who would hang out with you. There are more possibilities that you don't know about yet because all of this is hypothetical yet.

If I were your girlfriend, I would probably be sensitive to the fact that I'm dating someone who doesn't want to go out bar-hopping and I would spend some quality time with you after the reception instead of going out. That's just me. But if she did that, it's probable she would feel resentful for it.

You're talking about how she "should" act and unfortunately that's not reality. It would be nice if she were more accommodating for you in this instance, but if she's been accommodating to your sobriety for a year, then maybe you could ease up on your own judgment of her. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be "a little hurt" but you have to accept that drinking is very different for both of you, and her wanting to get wasted with her family doesn't mean she's doing it in order to be particularly insensitive to you.

You should probably start thinking about which situation is most unbearable for you: spending time alone after the reception, hanging out with the sloppies, or letting her attend the wedding alone. Unfortunately as you are the one with limitations, you'll probably bear the brunt of the decision-making. I do hope she's been a good girlfriend to you for this year you've been together.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 1:37am

Welcome to the board, Mrblue732 and congratulations on your two years sobriety ~

I agree with Northwestwanderer.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 11:47am

My 2nd DH hardly ever drank alcohol because he was onvarious medication where he wasn't supposed to drink.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:15pm
Thanks for all the replies.

@ Musiclover, I don't have a problem being around alcohol or others drinking it. The desire to never pick up that first one again stronly outweighs the need to have another drink.

The problem as mentioned before is when it gets out of control. After finding out some details about the wedding, I asked if it was going to be one of those occassions where she will be "getting irresponsible" (I forget how she originally worded her drinking style", and she strongly acknowledged yes. This past summmer, she invited me to a family function, where she drank very heavily to the point of publiclly embarrasing me in from of family and friends. Not intentional, I'm sure, but by saying stupid things, and walking away and leaving me by myself (when I hadn't known anyone yet). This resulted in some bad feelings the following dayt. The repeat of this event is what I'm afraid of, esp. since I will be out of town and paying my own plane fare.

Anyone have suggestions on how to express my concerns and lobby for compromise so that both of us can win-win in this situation? Thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:56pm

Mr Blue, you said in your first post that your girlfriend has kids and therefore hardly ever gets to cut loose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 10:49pm

I wouldn't enjoy being around people who really drink so much they do embarrassing things either and I do drink (but not that much).

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 11:29pm

Change the situation if she would rather go out skydiving and you are too scared.. or go out camping... or fill-in-the-blank.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 2:18am

I don't think there's a compromise to be made here.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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