Edbi23, good to see you back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Edbi23, good to see you back!
5
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:15pm
Have you had that conversation yet? How did it go? How do you feel about it and/or your relationship at this point? Hoping the best!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 5:59am
Hi...

Yes, last week we talked about the future and the possibility of moving in together this summer. Actually we agreed on July. since I have a 5 yr old I explained to him that I couldn't agree to LT unless his intention were serious enough for us to get married next year, if things work out. I know I love him, and he loves me but I don't want him to move in for the wrong reasons without being sure of what he wants and goals in life.

I am also terrified of failure, my past relationship with my son's father was very frustrating because although we had married and made plans to live togheter he never wanted to take the responsibility for a family. So, although we were married we never got the opportunity to live together until I got tired of begging and decided to get a divorce. It sounds weird but I was (still am) here in the US in college (but now I am staying) and he was in Dom. Rep. in college too. He dropped out of college and to this day (26 yrs old) has never had a job, his father support him. So, at all times my plea was for him to get a job, so I could move back to go to school there and live as a family. My mom even offered to pay for my college there and buy us an apart. but he was always too much fun living a bachelor's life and not working. So as you can see, I had a good taste of how things can go wrong even when there are no reasons for it.

This time I want things to go right. My BF now has a lot of plans (he would want to have his own business someday) and I have mine. We talked about them and discussed that as short term goals are buy our own place, get married and me getting my CPA (by the end of next year). After we accomplish those goals I will support him with his dream. We also talked about expenses and how he would help me with DS, like pick him up at school etc.

I keep getting scared, and he keeps telling me that he is very serious about this decision. I also asked him if he had already told his mom/family, and he said that not yet, but that he had told her many months ago that he wanted us to be serious about the relationship. So, that makes me feel better. And the last thing he did which made me feel great, was that he sent me an e-mail with the reply of his cancellation of this dating website where we met. We were both still free members (not paying), and free members don't get to talk to other people or anything so is pretty much like cancelling (I thought), and I didn't even think about it or ask him, and I guess that was his way of saying "I love you, and I believe you are the one".

I am sooooo happy... and I little scared at the same time... but I keep a positive mid and attitude :)

Thanks so much for asking

Bianca

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:27pm
It sounds good Bianca!

I assume - and please correct me if I'm wrong - that your fear and concern come from you ex-husband and a fear that this you'll end up repeating that old relationship. I'll assume that you didn't expect to have those problems with your ex or you'd see this relationship (and this guy) as totally different and wouldn't have the same concerns, yes?

It sounds like your boyfriend is a pretty stand up guy, he doesn't sound like he's going to back out on you. He's done it right so far, both of you have, keeping the relationship casual until you were sure it was time to move it up. It makes so much more sense to know who you're with well before making decisions rather than making the decisions first and then trying to make the person fit. I will say if your fears don't ease I strongly suggest you see a therapist to figure out what it is that's causing the fear, if it's your past relationship it'll be a good thing to get rid of all that the old junk before it affects your current relationship, if it's not, you need help figuring out why you subconsiously don't feel ok about this. I'm posting three articles at the top of the board that might be helpful for you to read, "Are You Ready To Live Together?", "Before Marriage 8 Pitfalls To Avoid" and "How To Steer Clear Of Relationship Potholes". Some things won't apply to you, but it's good information and at least will help you see if you're approaching this from good place or not. If you have trouble finding them, let me know, this new format has posts 'floating' so they aren't necessarily going to stay where you post them!

One thing I do caution you to consider carefully in this is your son. Unfortunately, I've learned from experience and have heard it from wise folks on this board how damaged children can become when they have too much exposure to a boyfriend that doesn't end up being a fixture in your life. What happens is your child becomes invested in this person, learns to love, trust and lean on him. He becomes a part of your child's everyday life. When (if) the relationship ends your child is terribly hurt. This person they love, who is a part of their everyday life is suddenly ripped out of their life. The child has had no say in this, the decision has been made for him, he'll never see this much loved person again -- and the child didn't do anything to deserve that. I've seen my own kids have their hearts ripped out like this. It's horrible to watch the pain and anguish, the amount of guilt you feel is great - and rightly so, it *is* your fault. I'm not saying don't move in together, I am saying be sure this relationship is going to last before you do. If you get a response from LRM329, pay close attention, she's quite busy and doesn't post as often as I wish she could, but she's been a child social worker for many years and is now a lawyer working for children services. She has experienced words of wisdom on the subject of children and relationships to share.

Your guy sounds like he's done some pretty positive things in the way of showing you he's ready to get serious about this relationship. It also sounds like he's ready and willing to talk about it in a calm, intelligent manner. From what you've said, it sounds like you may have hit gold!

Keep us posted!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 4:00pm
Hi,

You would not believe how great your advice is to me :) I will definitely read those articles...

I think that my biggest fear, is not just the fact of the relationship not working... but, EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID, my son... and explained to D (my BF) that he has to be very sure... He is also a very sensitive guy, and genuinly loves my son... Although this can not really keep a failing relationship together, I think D would also be VERY hurt, because he has ALSO become very attached (if I may use that word) to my son... He is so helpful around the house, and always tries to keep my son busy so I can rest...

Honestly, I feel so happy... I am still a little scared mainly because of my son, but I will be positive that things will work out... This is my first relatioship since my ex- and I will give myself and my son a chance to be with a man who truly love us, and respects us.

I personally was a victim of my mom having numerous BFs and moving them in and out of the our house... but, although I do not like to juge her decisions, I certainly will do my best to avoid anything like that of happening in my household.

Another update is that I finally had the guts to talk about my past relationship with him ... I mean, he knew about it... but it was such a hurtful situation for me that I never gave any details about it... It was very emotional for me, some tears rolled down, but he told me that he loved me, and that it didn't really matter that I was married before... I gave him every single details of what happened, and explained to him that I was telling him because I wanted him to know, but that I really didn't want to talk about the subject again... And he understood, and told me that he understood and that he give the love and support i needed... and he wanted to be with me without a doubt...

I will write more later, but I have to run and pick up my beautiful son... He is the light of my life... :)

Thank you sooooo much for your support and advice :)

Bianca

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 7:59pm
Oh, I forgot to say... that I bought the book 'unmarried to each other'... I have been visiting the LT message board and many people have recommended it...

I just got it in the mail today, and will start reading it...

I also just finished reading the article, and they definitely serve as a basis to know where most relationships fails and why... Thank you :)

Among many things that we talked about, we also agreed that next year we will get married... counting that everything will go as planned...

I'll keep you updated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 1:58am
It sounds like the two of you are going about this intelligently, letting your heads make the decisions and putting some intelligent, serious thought into this. Hearing how your mother ran you through the boyfriends, I'm sure no one has to tell you what it can do to a child. I'll also bet it plays a part in your hesitation now, you may subconciously afraid of falling into the same pattern your mother was in. Since childhood issues are the ones that are tough to overcome, if you find yourself struggling with this, I'd really seek some help.

Please let me know what you think of the book when you've finished it, it's always good to have some book titles that you've gotten an honest review on.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"