Emotional affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2014
Emotional affair
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 12:30am

I found out yesterday that my husband is/was having an emotional affair.  He'd been acting strange lately such as asking when I would be home or the dates of my upcoming business trip. He also was coming to bed unusually late.  He started to be worried about me using his phone which is not normal behavor for him.  I finally did something I know was wrong but I checked his email on his IPad when he was out. I found several emails to a girl he "met" on my free cams.  There were several message mostly sexual some not. He wrote her poetry and said she inspired him.  Also talked about his dissatisfaction w me saying I do not want sex enough.  They live  in separate cities but talked about meeting in person.  she's married w kids and wanted to meet my husband in person at a bar with her husband.  Said they'd act like they didn'to know each other but would strike up a conversation as if they're strangers.  He said neither of them had intentions of bring physical but wanted to see each other in person. He swears had never wanted to have sex with her and this was just a fantasy. I know out marriage is in trouble. Other than therapy I don't know what to do from here. Any suggestions from people who've faced similar situations is much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 9:04am

Since you want to stay in the marriage, you need to sit down with him and have a discussion on how to improve the marriage and discuss boundaries. I would ask him what he values about the marriage and what he would like to happen to improve the marriage. You tell him what you want and what you want to change. Then you need to discuss boundaries. Once a couple is established, there needs to be rules about friends of the opposite sex. Okay situations would be: A casual friend who you've friended on facebook because it's your co-worker, someone you grew up with etc. Chatting with co-workers and going to lunch as a group. Inappropriate friendship is regularly going to lunch with a co-worker or anyone of the opposite sex, someone who you speak to daily or several times a week. Inappropriate behavior is flirting with someone of the opposite sex on Facebook, through e-mail or text. Inappropriate behavior is giving someone of the opposite sex your phone number and e-mail.

It's normal for people to have intimate friends of the opposite sex when single, but when a person becomes part of a couple, having an emotionally intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex has a different dynamic. Even if the two people aren't attracted to each other, a woman wants to be her spouse's best friend, not some other woman.

Discuss these boundaries with him. Tell him you are hurt by his behavior, but you love him and want each of you to make the effort to repair the relationship. He needs to break all contact with this woman and promise that he will never engage in this behavior with another woman again. You need to let him know that you're not a doormat, and that he needs to treat you right from this day forward to keep you in his life. Remember that you are the treasure, and if he is not worthy of you when he's been given a chance to change, then you'll be moving on with your life without him.

The marriage not being up to par is not an excuse to cheat, even if emotionally. A mature, ethical man would've tried to fix things with you, and if things were beyond repair, he would've ended things with you before starting up with someone else. He's lucky you're giving him a second chance. I hope he steps up to the plate for you. If he does, don't bring up the past to throw it in his face and find a way to forgive him. Once an argument is resolved, it's over. This one will take a while to heal from, but others have bounced back from similar situations and have found happiness again. Good luck.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 11:35pm

  This is not uncommon.  And it needs to run it's course.  It is the method to make up for the missing parts.  Emotions are a lot like the weather uncontrollable they can come of kitten's paws or lion's claws.  But they will come. 

    Now how do you know other than this that the marriage is in trouble?   This alone is not it seems the real issue.  H is correct that this is a fantasy.  The mental image is one where the creature has no faults.  What is brought out are emotions that have lain dormant..  The person is blindsided by feelings strong and deep that buoy up positive self feelings.  It is a drug.  The mind releases powerful chemicals with these encounters.  Reality often chills as if some one turned the shower to ice cold..  For no one can live up to the mind's construct.

  IMO I disagree with Safire I have good friends who were once lovers.  I have learned that good friends are rare.  I do not throw them away.  I make friends and most are of the opposite sex.   My experiences have taught never to allow anyone to control me. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 10:26pm

Planning to meet in person is not fantasy - that's reality.  And seriously, meeting on some webcam site?  

You're already aware your marriage is in trouble - get yourselves to a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and start getting some help for your relationship.  The fact that he's reaching out and looking to meet others illustrates how much serious trouble your marriage is in.  Get there now.

~ cl-2nd_life