emotional intimacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
emotional intimacy
12
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 3:59pm

My boyfriend can't admit that he is extremely shy and uncomfortable at social situations. He can't accept his weaknesses. It's his weaknesses that makes him so unique. He can't seem to talk about his problems most of the times. He would start and when it gets too deep, he somehow changes the subject to something lighter. I am afraid sometimes to push too hard for him to open up because he just seems extremely sensitive. I would like him to feel comfortable to open up to me because I want to know him better on a different level. I don't know if I my personality allows him to feel comfortable to open up to me.

Here's an example as how he brushes off subjects that make s him feel uncomfortable. I discovered how anxious my boyfriend can be at social situations, especially this weekend.We went to a Halloween party where we both didn't know anyone except the host. I would introduce myself to other guest and he would follow my lead. He stuck by my side most of the party. At one point I left his side to grab a drink and he looked a little nervous. I tried to go back to him but got sidetracked and ended talking to someone for about 5 minutes. He stood alone for that time and for a while he left the party. I looked for him and found him sitting outside by himself. He said he needed fresh air and I brought him back inside to socialize. He kept by my side the rest of the night. He was pretty quiet all night. I noticed that he waits for someone to talk to him then he just responds. A few days later I asked him again if he felt uncomfortable at the party and mentioned that I was worried when he left for a little bit. He just said he wasn't uncomfortable and just needed fresh air and then changed the subject.

Is he afraid of emotional intimacy? Is there anything I can do to open him up?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 6:36pm

Thanks..this is interesting. It would be easy to say his behavior is based on this disorder since he has many of these characteristics from the checklist:

I find it hard to make small talk.
I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school.
I find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling.
I can focus on certain things for very long periods.
People often say I was rude even when this was not intended.
I have always had difficulty making friends.

But I think his personality is shaped from being a bit sheltered (not much life experience) and very very shy. He was some what of a nerd and a bookworm in school. He's just socially awkward. He spent most of his life focusing on his studying and career.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 7:08pm

I think there there are a few things here where consideration of cause and effect come into play. For example, someone who has a social skill disorder will naturally have less experience at life. They simply don't see the chances that others see.

Same thing with being a nerd and a bookworm. Is being a nerd and a bookworm the cause of where he's at - or is it a syptom of a condition that he's got. I've seen Asperger's called "The Geek Syndrome" http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aspergers_pr.html

It's also possible to be 'a little bit Aspie'. I believe that I am borderline Aspergers....whereas my son is full on autistic.

But at the end of the day, he is who he is. I was hoping that you may identify with Aspergers in order to give you (and him) some support and direction. However, if you don't identify.....then there's not much you can - or should - do.




Edited 11/8/2005 7:26 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
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