An Emotional Wreck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
An Emotional Wreck
8
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:47am
Well here it goes. Not that you haven't heard this story before. I have been married for 13 years 2 kids 12 and 9. Yes, ups and downs in my marriage, finacially being the biggest. My Husband and I have been separated since last August. In November I told him that I had been cheating on him for a year and half. With the financial part of being where we are we lost our house in foreclosure had filed for bankruptcy about 6 years ago. I moved out of the house my husband and I had lost in January and moved into an apartment with the guy I had been with while I was with my husband. After 2 weeks living with my boyfriend we had a falling out and he moved out, knowing that I was married and my boyfriend a year ago went out with friends and met a female he didn't tell me about her until September and I was devastated and upset...We talked and things seem to be getting better....Then I went home to my moms house for Thanksgiving with my girls and the day after I was to travel back to to my home and I had called my boyfriend and he seemed off and he told me that he needed time and i freaked and I had to drive and hour and 1/2 to get back home. Knowing in my head this was all due to the female he had met in July of last year. When he told me about in September I would ask if they had talked, etc. He said just texting nothing big...but I would tell him I was jealous and needed to know if they had talked...it got to be a point he would just tell me not to worry they were just friends and to let it go, which I did. But you know you can't fool a person who did the same things he started doing. I found out in February that he and this female did sleep together several times. I forgave because I know how he waited 2 years to be with me and he was just giving up on me (I can't blame him for that). Through alot of tears and long discussions we have made it through the months after were great we didn't dwell in the past as a matter of fact I didn't even think about it. In June was my 13 year anniversary. About 2 to 3 weeks I found myself thinking of my husband alot, daydreaming about him asking me out and taking things slow and dating...etc. Somehow I knew I needed to talk to him and we did I felt like I needed that second chance and he was very recepticle to it and told me he still loved me but he had moved on and that things were getting better for him that he was happy. I actually spent Sunday, Monday with my husband and kids and it was nice and I was starting to think about my life with my family again. Even left the big blue note for the boyfriend that said I have been given a 2nd chance at my marriage. By Tuesday I was leaving my husband to go back to boyfriend which as this time was very hesistant because he is scared to death that I am just going to poof again. Today I am here once again crying wondering what the hell I need to do. I believe I love 2 people and I will hurt one or both of them, plus I will lose either of the 2 because they are both good people. My boyfriend is a wonderful guy who would do anything for me on the other hand I know my husband is to and would. You know the best part of all this is I should have never cheated (btw my husband and I did counsel a few years ago). I need to be 100% communicable which I wasn't with my husband. I find myself lying to save other peoples feelings. When my husband got back together for couple of days we did have sex. My boyfriend has asked me over and over again if i did and I told him no. Mind you that my husband and boyfriend talked just after I moved back with boyfriend because my husband was very upset and he told my boyfriend that we slept together and I lied to protect myself and the feelings of my boyfriend.
Please someone out there tell me that this doesn't sound famailiar an let me know how it worked for you...because I feel like I am going to fall apart or blow up. I minute I am up feeling good about my relationship with my boyfriend and another minute I am missing my family life. Currently I have moved back to my hometown as well as to sort these feelings out and I was to go knowing that I needed to give myself space from the boyfriend and husband. I got down there and hated it have been in contact with my boyfriend ever since, etc and my husband is hurt. Probably a coupld of weeks ago i noticed that I was starting to feel comfortable and I had the feeling of being independant and now I want to go back and do what I needed to do the first day I got down there. Which I know will hurt my boyfriend. I am soooo...ugh I hate this. Someone, anyone please I know this is very long but i need something..........Please anything.
Desparte for HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:19am

You need some time alone without the influence of either your husband or your boyfriend to figure out, with the help of a therapist, once and for all, what/who it is you want. You haven't had the time alone required after a separation/divorce to sort out your feelings; that's why you keep flitting back and forth between the two of them. Eventually, they're both going to get sick of being hurt by your indecisiveness.

You need time alone to figure out what you feel; who it is you feel it for; who it is you want to have a life with and then get to the business of living that life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:31am
This post is disturbing on several levels. When you left your husband and moved in with your "boyfriend," did you drag your girls along with you to witness this? If not, that means that you abandoned them to shack up with your lover. I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about your children.
You write that your husband is a good man and that you love him. If he is also a good father, go back to him and make a solid family for your girls. Bottom line - do what is best for your children and stop all this nonsense. You won't regret it.
Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:02am

I must be missing something here.....

"plus I will lose either of the 2 because they are both good people. My boyfriend is a wonderful guy who would do anything for me on the other hand I know my husband is to and would."

Let's see - on one hand you have a guy that you cheated on for 1-1/2 years then left to move in with someone else and he's willing to look past all of that for you. On the other hand you have a guy that started something with a married woman, as soon as she was "his" he left, got back together with but then had ANOTHER woman on the side, broke up with you over the phone while you were at your mom's, and now that you are "missing" your husband and family he wants you back.

Does that about sum it all up? Sorry, from what you've posted here I don't see "2 good people", I only see one (here's a hint - it's NOT your "boyfriend"). I would stop worrying about "hurting him" - he doesn't seem to worry about hurting you or your husband or his new girlfriend or anyone else for that matter. He's a player that only wants what he can't have. Once he "has it" then he wants to move on to a new conquest (he was "with" you for 1-1/2 years until he "had" you but then he left after 2 weeks and went out to find someone new).

My opinion - ditch the player. Whether you go back to your husband or not is up to you, but as long as you are seeing the guy that's using you, you won't be able to make a clear decision.

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:12pm
Thank you for the replys. I did not abandoned my kids they came with me and my husband I split the kids up 1/2 and 1/2. My boyfriend and I are living apart now. Back in February is when he knew that him and this other girl were not going to work. Before he left me to go over to her I told him no more that I can not go on living this emotional rollercoaster. He understood, but the next day after his heartfelt discussion with this other girl, she realized she was okay and ready to move on and my boyfriend I think was left hurt. I have told him that I felt like he didn't get to be with her and he knew that I was still there and loved him so he called and we talked and he wanted to come back. I really wanted him to think rationally, but I think he thought he could be there for her and her two girls since they did not have a father and he has no kids he found out differently. He has assured me over and over again that this was not the case and I do believe him. I guess I am always worried about what people think of me and worry about their feelings as well. Thank you


Edited 8/6/2006 11:36 pm ET by smuckers34
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:33pm

Smuckers, please stop. Don't go back to your husband, not now. And don't consider seeing your boyfriend either. If you go back to either of these guys right now you're in danger of continuing to flip flop again and again. You need time on your own, with yourself, working with a therapist to sort through your feelings. You need to do this until you and your therapist say you're ready to move forward. I understand you're afraid of what people will think of you. You need to realize that people will think badly of you for jumping back and forth and continuing to do so. People will respect someone who recognizes their problems, stops their behavior and gets help rather than proceeding. You think your husband is the right choice, but clearly, you aren't very unsure of what you want and why. Take the time to find out why you were dissatisfied, why you flip flopped, and why you're so concerned about what others will think of you. Take the time to know you, then move forward, when you can do so in complete understanding, peace and self assuredness.


Whether your children were with you all the time, some of the time or stayed with your husband full time, they have been and are being very affected by the inconsistency, confusion and ever changing situation they're living in. If not for yourself, you owe it to them to get yourself straight with time and therapy before you further confuse their lives. Please also see that they are being seen by a child therapist, they have a lot of issues they're dealing with as a result of the chaos they've lived; working with a therapist now will allow them to work through the issues and resolve them and keep them from becoming deep seated issues that follow them throughout their lives.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 10:06pm
Thank you for reponse cl-2nd_life, That is why I moved back home to sort my feelings because back a month ago I found myself missing my husband and hurting my boyfriends feelings. Or both in this matter. When I got to my home town I found myself wanting to talk to my boyfriend and continuing our relationship....but now once again I am feeling those feelings for my husband. I think for a while I was shocked that my boyfriend had found someone else and I didn't know how to react and was afraid of losing him so I fought as hard as I could which meant leaving my husband last August then to come find out I got put through hell because of what my boyfriend did with another girl for almost 6 months. My boyfriend wants me to get a divorce. My husband wants nothing more than us to goto counseling and get our family back together....I need to heal myself. I just hate hurting people so bad...I know people heal in time...its just the awful thoughts I start to feel. I hope this will work out for all...because I really don't want to screw things up. Thank You once again
Smuckers34


Edited 8/6/2006 11:43 pm ET by smuckers34
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:14am

You've been knee-jerk reacting, first to one situation and one guy, then to the other. It sounds like you know what you need, time away from both of them, time to be with yourself to sort all this out, and time to let the dust settle so that you're not reacting, you're dealing with situations that are no longer drama and emotion filled. Once they're not high anxiety for you, you can think and assess the situation more clearly. Very often you find you're working through issues, making decisions when you aren't even aware you're working on them, when it seems you're working on something else, not thinking about the issue at all. I do hope you're working with a therapist though, this is much more involved, much deeper than simply not being able to decide between two guys.


You don't have to hope this will work out, it will, one way or the other, and it will work out for the best if you'll let it. Pushing it, trying to force a decision, won't make it work, it'll make it not work out. You never know, you may find out that what's best isn't one or the other, but neither of them.


Give yourself lots of time and therapy, you'll get where you need to be without pushing at all.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 3:07pm
I believe I agree with JeffKristi on this. The boyfried may have been waiting around while you were figuring out if you wanted to be with him or your husband, but since it went on for so long he doesn't have hat great of a feeling that you want to be with him. He shouldn't because you really don't know either. I think, get rid of the boyfriend, it was just a fling and there would be too many problems in trying to make it serious. Then be alone and figure out yor own personal problems. If someday you honestly feel you can be true to your husband than is the time to see if it can work. Untill then, spare his feelings if you're not really sure. And Please,...tell people the truth instead of 'sparing there feelings'. You don't want to live a lie. Why should they have to?