Emotionally Unavailable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Emotionally Unavailable
8
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 4:54pm

I posted this on the Breaking Up Is Hard To Do message board this morning - and have been reading through other boards all day because, well, I have nothing else to do. I added in some more background information about our relationship to hopefully help get your honest opinions on whether or not there is hope for us. Although I should probably be on the Relationships in our 20s board, everyone here seems to offer such great, intelligent advice and I would like to get some opinions.

Please be forwarned that this is insanely long and probably contains too much writing about how sad I am right now - I know it is not that interesting to read about other people's problems, but I would really like some advice.

My boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me Thursday night, our anniversary was last Sunday. We were just having our normal conversation before we went to bed - he had just finished up his last presentation for his MBA that day and I was so proud of him. Things had not been so great lately, but I thought it was purely situational. We hadn't been able to spend much time together as we both have been incredibly busy with school, but now that the semester is wrapping up I thought things would get better.

For some idiotic reason I decided to ask him if he was still happy. His answer was that he didn't know. And the conversation just spiraled from there. Honestly, I was just looking for some reassurance and encouragement, I did not expect that question to end in a break up. We have talked for hours about it over the last few days, but I still am so upset. His reason is that he is just not happy with life in general right now. His father has cancer and the prognosis is not good, he doesn't know what to do with his life, and he doesn't feel that he can offer me the attention/support I need and deserve.

He told me he has been mentally checked-out for awhile now (maybe since before we met), and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. He knows that he has not been very attentive and affectionate lately, and sees how it is affecting me, and does not want to put me through that. According to him, he is so confused about life right now that he does not feel it is right to keep me around and 'drag me down with him'. He thinks it is not fair of him to stay in this relationship when he can't make it his top priority.

Our one big issue of disagreement: Although we rarely fought (which he thinks could be one of our problems), we have very different opinions about the role exes should play in our lives. I believe that one should leave the past in the past - it is okay to stay on good terms with exes and catch up with them on the phone/email every few months, but more than that is too much. He did make sure to let me know very early on in the relationship that he was very good friends with his exes, and I have tried to accept that. He has always been incredibly honest with me and lets me know when they talk (which is definitely more often than every few months), etc. He did go to a 1-hour lunch w/ one of his exes after me begging him not to, and although I try to deny it I did silently resent him. As much as I trust him, I still don't feel comfortable with that. He told me he wishes he could compromise more about issues such as contact with exes, but can't right now but hopes to someday be able to. He feels he is at a point in his life where he has to be selfish and concentrate on his needs (too much else is going on with his dad's condition and trying to figure out what to do with his life), and that he is not able to compromise as much as someone in a committed relationship should. And he also says that my opinions are completely valid and acceptable, and doesn't feel I should have to compromise those either.

He also thinks that at this point we want different things out of life. He does not know when, if ever, he will be ready for marriage and kids. I do want those things, but not as soon as he thinks I do. He even said that he is pretty sure he will eventually want those things too, it just may be 10 years down the line and he wouldn't want me to stick around and 'settle' for a stagnant relationship that is not moving forward as quickly as I want.

I just feel that we have been cheated out of time together. I have been so looking forward to this summer and finally being able to spend time together and the chance to see if things would get better. I can't stop regretting bringing the subject up, because I know if I said nothing we would still be together right now, and we would have had the chance to just be together this summer without the responsibilities of school getting in the way. And then if things were still not better after this summer, at least I would know that we had the time to fully devote to our relationship, and things still did not work out.

I guess I am just feeling really alone right now. My one really good friend that still lives in town is dating one of his good friends, so that automatically makes me uncomfortable. And she hasn't even called to see how I am doing. Most of his friends are couples, and I have become really close to the girls and I know that they were his friends to begin with so that leaves me with nothing. I have been really looking forward to seeing two of the couples get married this summer, and now I don't get to go. I also don't get to see him graduate with his MBA next week, and I am so upset. I feel I have been so supportive while he has been stressed out with school, and have been looking forward to celebrating his graduation with him, and now I don't have the chance.

I also have one of the most stressful weeks of my life coming up, and can't concentrate on anything else. This happened at the most inopportune time, but it is my own fault that I brought it up when I did. He understands what bad timing this was, but didn't want to have to lie to me about his feelings.

I feel very defeated. I feel let down, angry that the timing is not right, and sad that I no longer have the chance to show him daily how much I love him. He is such an amazing, intelligent, and caring person and has done nothing wrong so I can't hate him. I'm willing to stick with him through the hard times, to be put on the back burner while he works his own stuff out, but he feels it would not be fair to me and couldn't live with himself if he put me through that.

I have put so much into this relationship, have had so many hopes for the future, and all of the sudden I am left with nothing. It just doesn't feel right. We both still love each other, and I hate how love can't be enough. I am getting to the point that I have almost lost faith in relationships in general.

We talked for 3.5 hours yesterday, and I kept asking him ‘What do we do now?’ and he said he didn’t know. He doesn’t want to cut off all contact, and said we will talk this week sometime, but he also didn’t want to give me false hope. When I told him good luck with job searching, he replied with ‘It’s not like we’re not going to talk��. I’m just so confused…

Also, since he said this has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own problems/confusion, I asked him if he could promise that if/when he gets to the point to be in a relationship, or date, or even have female company again that he would give me a chance before anyone else. His answer was that if there was anything he thought he could change about himself right now to make our relationship work, he would – but that he couldn’t make any promises because he doesn’t want me to put my life on hold and have false hope for something that may not ever happen. He also said he is not ruling out the possibility of us being together again in the future, and that dating someone else is the farthest thing from his mind.

Some things I would like opinions on - Do you think there is any hope for us? Would it be insane for me to maintain contact with him like he wants? Do you think that disagreement about contact with exes is a deal-breaker in a relationship? I appreciate how honest he always was about it, and it was never an issue of trust, just of me being uncomfortable. Also, one of the couples that is getting married called and said they would still really like me to attend their wedding (keep in mind these are friends he has had for years and years). I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable in any way, do you think it would be inappropriate for me to attend?

Thanks to anyone who made it this far - I actually got a little tired and distracted while re-reading this. Like I said, I know it is not that interesting to read about other people's problems, but I would really appreciate other's thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 11:13pm

Huge hugs, Cloudnin9, I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain you're going through. Please don't worry about the length of your post, getting it all out is very good for you, and very often, it's also necessary in explaining the situation properly. Remember, those of us who are on this board read nothing but other people's problems, reading yours is not a problem! If we didn't like reading problem posts, we wouldn't be here!


I can't tell you whether your relationship will ever resume or not, but I do think staying in contact now is a huge mistake. I know you don't want to hear this, but if he thinks you can just continue along as friends it pretty much says his "relationship" feelings for you are gone and he has no problem just slipping you in the "friend" category. You, on the other hand do have feelings for him and hurt very much. Staying in contact keeps that pain fresh, keeps you stuck in what was and what you wish still was. It prolongs your pain. There may be a time that you can be friends with him, but that won't be until you truly have no other feelings for him but as a friend. Until then you're only hurting yourself and keeping yourself stuck. Here's an article that explains very well why "no contact" is best after a break up. Even though the article is discussing "harmful" relationships, it applies to all relationships, harmful and healthy.


LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS


I understand that you wish you'd never asked him the question that put this all into motion, but it sounds like this isn't just a whim with him, it sounds like something that he's been aware of and thinking about for a very long time. Not having had the conversation wouldn't have changed his feelings, it only would have had you go along continuing to think everything was fine, when in reality, his feelings weren't there. As painful as it is, I'm sure you wouldn't want to be in a relationship where your feelings weren't returned, where the relationship you thought you had really didn't exist. Reality may suck, but living a facade sucks even more. I had a boyfriend that ended the relationship very suddenly, out of the blue, I know how shocked I was, to this day I don't really know what happened. It's worse when you didn't see it coming, for sure.


More you're going to hate: yes, the amount of acceptable contact with ex's or anyone else would be a deal breaker for me. I don't believe anyone has the right to tell anyone else who they can and cannot be friends with, how often they can see or be in contact with their friends or have control of any other aspect of their relationships. You certainly have the right to believe differently than he does, you just don't have the right to push your beliefs on him. If you don't like that he's friends with his ex's or how often he's in contact with them, then it's an area of incompatibility. He's choosing who he's friends with and chooses how often he wants to be in contact with them, it's his right to do that, just as it is your right to make choices for yourself. For me, anyone who wanted to negotiate how I handled my friendships is trying to control my choices, my life. It's not acceptable. I would end the relationship. Finding someone who is compatible with your choices makes more sense than to stay in a relationship that is guaranteed to have continual uneasiness, guilt, control issues, etc. Compatibility is key.


I absolutely think you should go to the wedding if you want to go. I'm a little confused as to why you're concerned about his feelings since he seems to have no problem staying in contact with you. I'll also say that it sounds like you made the same fatal mistake many girls make in relationships, they stop seeing all their friends and adopt the friends of their boyfriend, or they focus solely on their boyfriend and see no one else. The end result is at the end of the relationship they wind up completely alone, not having contacted their old friends for a year or more. It's too late for you this time, but please remember this in the future. A boyfriend, a fiance, a husband is a part of your life, not your life. You maintain friendships you have, continue to make time to be with your friends and continue your life without your boyfriend, fiance, husband. Picking up after a break up is so much easier when you have a life to continue, picking up when your life revolved around your guy is much more difficult, you're starting from scratch, alone. My advice to you would be to contact your old friends, beg their apology and see if they'd be willing to consider a friendship with you again - or - get off your rear (even though it's the last thing you feel like doing right now), get out there and put yourself in a position to make new friends.


I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts incredibly. I know it feels like it's going to hurt forever, like you're never going to get through this or be happy again, but believe me, we've all been through it. You will get past it, and you will get better. Huge hugs, Cloudnin9







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:24am

2nd life,

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I really appreciate the advice. Although it hurts to hear, it helps for me to think of it as him just slipping me into the friend category and no longer having relationship feelings for me.

I have known and recognized that we've been living a sort of facade lately. I know he's been aware of and thinking of things for awhile, and I have been aware of things too. I haven't been continuing on thinking everything has been fine. I could tell he's been distant and emotionally not quite all there, but I naively thought things would get better once he graduated w/ his MBA and we had more time to devote to nurturing our relationship.

I also feel I was misunderstood about a few things. Not that it matters, just want to get my side out. I never once told him to cut off contact with exes or tried to control how often he was in contact with them. I never once tried to push my beliefs on him. I did that in a past relationship, and the guy honored all my wishes, but I know that created a resentment toward me. I know that is unacceptable behavior and I would never ask for that from anyone again. It is absolutely his right to maintain friendships with his exes (in a way it speaks highly of him that he is able to do so), and I completely respected that throughout our entire relationship. Yes, I once expressed that I was uncomfortable with him having lunch with an ex and asked him not to go, but other than that one incident, I never tried to control or change him in any way. It was never an issue of trust, just something I was not used to and was very uncomfortable with. Although I have a different opinion on the amount of contact one should have with their exes and expressed my opinion to him, I never tried to force my views on him or have him alter his friendships in any way just to appease me.

I understand it is a fatal mistake for a girl to stop seeing all of their friends and either adopt their boyfriend's friends or to only spend time with their boyfriend. I am still in contact with all of my old friends and will not need to call and beg for their forgiveness. I can still talk to them whenever I need - the reason I feel so alone is that the majority of my good friends (real, true good friends that I can lean on for anything) have moved away over the past year or two for jobs and the like. And my one really good friend that still lives in town is dating a friend of my now ex-boyfriend (which is how we met). She is still there for me, I actually spent time with her tonight, but it is an uncomfortable situation b/c I know she will still be in frequent contact w/ my ex. I have acquaintances and people I have spent time with outside of my boyfriend over the past year, but do not view them as people I can cry to and confide in. But yes, I did spend a lot of time in his circle of friends and became incredibly close to some of his friends. And they have called and said they still want to be in contact and I can call them if I ever need to talk - I just think it would be hard to stay so close to them and have a constant reminder of what I no longer have.

Whew, just had to get that off my chest. Sorry, I just hate the feeling of being misunderstood. Thank you so much for your hugs and advice, I really needed that right now. I have read many of your responses to others' posts, and it is so kind that you really take the time to understand each person's story and offer your wisdom and experience to people you don't know. I will read the article you attached and hopefully that will help me realize that even though he wants to, staying in contact will not be good for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:53am

Cloudnin9, I did understand that you hadn't tried to stop him from being in contact with his ex's, so I owe you an apology for not making myself clearer! You'd said that his belief and yours was different, that you had no trouble with contacting by phone or email every couple of months or so, but his contact was much more than that. The thing is that he knew how you felt and knew you didn't agree or approve. I know you begged him not to go to lunch and I know that was a one time thing (and that he went anyway, as he should have, IMO), but the fact that he knew you didn't approve with his contact had to make it a bit uncomfortable for him, as well as you. Spoken or not, I'm sure it got uncomfortable, you know?


I'm glad you didn't drop your friend, really I am! It's too bad most have moved away though. If you haven't already, you might have a "straight up" talk with the friend you saw tonight. Tell her that you hope she'll be able to keep her relationships with each of you separate and will be able to continue to be a friend to you without him being involved. It could be that just getting that out in the open will let her know what you want and expect and that knowledge will let her know how she should proceed. There's nothing wrong with asking her not to talk about him to you and that you don't want to be around him. I don't think there should be any reason she can't be your friend and his friend separately, just as she does other friends.


A book that might help you (it's totally tongue in cheek) is "Exorcising Your Ex : How to Get Rid of the Demons of Relationships Past" by Elizabeth Kuster . It's a "get in your jammies, snuggle up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's" kind of book. You'll laugh and you'll cry and most importantly you'll feel like what you're feeling and doing is totally normal and that you're far from alone. Hopefully your library will have it!


Huge hugs again, Cloudnin9. Let us know how you're doing.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:46am

Hey, 2nd life is soooo on target with what she said.

I just wnated to pop this in there. IF Mr. Wonderful is so wonderful and caring then why did he think nothing of dumping you a week before stressful events in your life. Why did he spend so long leaning on you for support whe he needed it only to decide now that he's done with his MBA that he's too troubled and selfish to be in a relationship? Call me crazy, but it sounds like he's been pretty selfish all along.

And please don't feel the need to defend him, I know that you're hurting right now and focused more on the downside of things and that is at least partly to blame for how he came across.

But the fact remains, he's telling you he's selfish. He's telling you he doesn't want to be you any more. He's telling you he can't see himself getting married anytime soon. He's told you he'd love to have you waiting in the wings for him when he's done being a selfish jerk.

See, personally, I once tried to ignore a guy when he told me similar things. Turns out, I should have taken him at his word. He was selfish and shallow. Overall the relationship wasn't a bad one it just wasn't a good one either.

After that, I decided to believe it when a guy told me he was selfish or a jerk or emotional unavailable and stop wasting my time on him. I decided to leave the fixer-uppers to fix themselves. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:01pm
Like the saying goes, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them!"







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:20pm
Yup, it's a shame so many of us learn it the hard way. :) This was one of my many, "Man, I hate it when my Mom is right." moments in life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:28am

Now that I think about it, the quote is actually more like, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Either way though, it fits!


Don't you hate those older people knowing the score! In our youth we so want to believe that our experiences are "different" and "unique" and couldn't possibly fall into the categories those who have been around the block a few times know. In time we find out that they were right all along.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 7:52am
Indeed, Mom was so excited when she got to be smart again around the time I turned 25.