Emotionally Unavailable Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Emotionally Unavailable Husband
14
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:53am

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and have a two year-old and another on the way. When I married him I knew we had problems with emotional intimacy. We don't talk often and never have deep conversations. Never about anything personal. But there were so many other good things about our relationship that I didn't want to walk away. We had a lot, lot, lot of fun together, traveling and hiking and stuff. And he could be romantic and caring when he wanted to be (he did most of the planning for our wedding and everything for the honeymoon). There were times between us that just felt magical and special, unlike anything I've felt before. So I thought the emotional intimacy would come (mistake, I know).

He's still special and we're still special, but I'm really starting to miss the emotional connection. Sometimes I feel like we have a beautiful house built on a foundation of straw. There's no deep, emotional connection. Not much of a bond. Some days I really feel like talking about something deep and personal, and I'll throw something out there to start a conversation and he'll say nothing. Ask him what he thinks and I'll get, "I don't know." Or I'll ask him a personal question about himself and he'll give me a really superficial answer. Sometimes I'll be talking to him and he'll walk right past me like he doesn't even hear me. Man, I would love to feel that he thought what I had to say was interesting! But I never do. I always share his attention with the tv, or the computer, or the newspaper.

I remember another relationship I had a few years ago where we would just lay in bed for hours on the weekend talking. It was wonderful and I look at it now and think, "What were we talking about?" because the thought of doing that now seems so foreign. My husband would rather pull his hair out than lay and cuddle in bed and just talk.

What do I do? This is destroying me. I'm so jealous of couples who have close intimate relationships. The other day this couple walked by and she said something and he looked at her and laughed out loud like he thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. My husband never does that with me. It's like he doesn't want to show me too much interest or attention.

Our sex life now is non-existent.

We can NOT afford marriage counseling now. I've tried reading books on relationships with him (Dr. Phil, Harville Hendrix, etc.) but he doesn't want to invest the time. He'd rather have all his teeth pulled.

Can anyone help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 6:54pm

Thank you all who responded! I wanted to give you an update!

Yesterday we went on a hayride with his department and had a nice time. When we got home he put our daughter to bed and got on the computer. I came in and sat behind him and said I needed to ask him something. He turned around and faced me and I asked, "Why don't we have a relationship?" He sat there looking very relieved that I asked. Then he said that he's felt it too. We had a very, very good talk. I knew he wanted to talk because I left the room for about 5 minutes to change my clothes and when I came back he was still facing the chair I'd been sitting in. He hadn't gotten back on the computer or turned the tv on - that meant he wanted to talk! He sort of broke down and told me some of the things that have been going on with him. With work, with feeling like he's failed me in some ways. He cried. And then I started crying and told him some of the things I've been feeling lately. He came over and held me in his arms and said, "Are you crazy? I don't *ever* want to be without you." It was absolutely wonderful. We just sat there talking for almost two hours.

Our life changed a lot when we moved to this town and had my daughter. I left my job and became a stay-at-home mom, which left him with a lot of financial responsibility. And a lot of things have been going wrong with his job (which I knew) and he said he's been feeling like a failure. Before we moved and had our daughter, we were both working at the same company and he was like a star employee - everyone loved him! It's not that easy here. There are people here that outshine him. I told him he could *never* disappoint me and that I would always think he was hot sh*t! That made him cry again.

It was just wonderful. We talked. We held each other. We made love. It was like old times. I love him so much. Today he's been hanging out with me and my daughter all day (no computer!) and he just left to do some grocery shopping. I feel like we cleared up so much stuff and that we do have a bond. A definite bond. I think with me being pregnant, in a town where I have no close friends or family, and his job putting pressure on him, we both just started shutting down and stopped talking. I told him that we need to talk, that we can't keep stuff like this inside. He agreed.

I think we should definitely do marriage counseling, but not right now. We really have a lot of expenses right now, and I don't want to add to them. Neither of us is religious, so we couldn't do counseling through a church. But once we get some of our debt cleared up (which we're working on right now) we'll start counseling.

Cl-2nd life - the book seems very informative, even though I've only read the first few pages so far. I'll let you know what I think when I get through more of it.

Thanks everyone, and more comments are welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 7:34pm

That's wonderful. I hope it continues. It will be really easy to fall back into old patterns so allow for some regression as you guys progress. And I think counseling can only help you on your way.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 7:46pm

I was just going to post and say you've gotten great advice in this thread, but you've obviously found right answer yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 3:22am

Newisumom, I'm so happy to hear how things have changed!


It sounds like things weren't always as they are now, and I'm hoping that the depth that you once had was indeed enough to be satisfying for you. It sounds like there's been plenty going on to cause him, someone who isn't in the habit of sharing, to withdraw further and further. Good for you for bringing the problem to light where it can be addressed!


I agree that counseling would be a good thing, and while I understand that money is tight, I wonder how much a happy, healthy marriage is worth to you. I mean, if you, your husband or your daughter became ill you wouldn't avoid seeing a doctor to keep from having to pay a bill, right? The health of your marriage is just as important as your physical health and affects you just as much. I'd urge you to bite the bullet and do what's best for the strength of your marriage and family. Have you checked prices, know what insurance will pay, whether counselors you'd be interested in seeing charge on a sliding scale or allow charging? I'd really urge you to run with it; strike while the iron's hot, it will be sooo easy for things to slide right back to where you were, especially if it's his personality to be distant in the first place.


Best of luck for continued happiness and success!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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