emotionally worn out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
emotionally worn out
5
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:43am
I am so emotionally worn out and exhausted that I don't know what to do. I am a part time bartender and work 20 hours a week. My DH works at his job 40 hours a week. We have two kids, both of which have been diagnosed with ADD, one with ADHD. Part of the problem is that we are on opposite schedules and I am getting totally exhausted from it. He gets up at 4 in the morning for his job and works until 2 in the afternoon. I have to be at work at 6 and work until 2:30 a.m. I get up with the kids at 6:45 and then have to clean the breakfast dishes, do my housework and try to fit a nap in somehow. He works until 2, comes home at 2:45 or so, then takes a nap until dinner is ready. He then eats dinner, watches T.V. and goes to bed at about 10. My biggest problem is that he doesn't even acknowledge me anymore. This past friday we were both off work so we went up to the bar I work at. I have been having troubles with my best friend and we got into a fight. I started crying and getting very upset and all he did was turn his back to me and talk to two of my other friends. That was after he had to make his rounds to talk to everyone else. My sister was the one who ended up comforting me. Finally after about 15 minutes, he turned and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. Tonight, I asked him to stay awake so we could have some alone time and all he did was fall asleep on the couch. This was after he had been sleeping off and on since he got home from work. I know he slept an hour at least twice. I am so sick of crying over this. I am an emotional wreck and I am afraid I am going to have some sort of nervous breakdown.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:23am

Wow, I don't envy you one bit! I also have a child with behavioural problems (autism) and fully understand how tiring it can be....and that's without the added burdens of working opposite schedules and marital tension.

I'm not sure where to direct you because I'm not sure where/when your problem started. But I'll throw a few ideas up in the air and see if any fit. There will also be quite a number of questions which will help us further tailor our advice to you.

First up, I'm wondering if the issues between you and your husband started because you're both so stressed and tired. If he's also emotionally worn out, it would easily explain much of his behaviour. Unless of course, his behaviour started BEFORE your crazy schedules. Would you mind giving a little history here?

Has your husband ever expressed his frustration or disappointment with your combined lifestyles? If so, what does he think you (as a couple) should do?

Not surprisingly, the housework is tiring you out. Does your husband help you with it? If not, what is his rationale? Also, if he doesn't help, what strategies have you tried to bring him on board?

However, one of the main things that must be addressed immediately is your clashing schedules. You've already identified the schedules as part of the problem here which is a great start. But I'm wondering what you are doing about it. Are you looking for a new job with better hours? Is being a stay at home mom viable?

Sorry to give questions rather than answers. I look forward to your reply.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:32am

Welcome back Mptdat ~ I take it that things got better between you and your husband since you were here a few years ago, at least I'm hoping you two haven't continued to struggle all this time?


Personally, I don't think your biggest problem is that he doesn't acknowledge you anymore, I think your biggest problem is that you two aren't dealing with your situation as partners. From what you've said, you're doing all the work to keep home together while working and getting little time for rest or sleep, and you're doing it by yourself. He needs to step up to the plate and do his share. He needs to be cleaning, cooking and taking care of what needs to be taken care of too. You're not a workhorse, you're a partner, one half of the equation; he's the other half and needs to be doing his share. I think if he were acting like a partner, doing his share, you'd each feel more like a team, more like you were working toward a common goal, working with and for each other, and in that you'd feel differently about each other. More sharing, more compassion, closer. Being partners at home may not be the answer to all of your problems, but I think it would go a long way in resolving a lot of them, and I think in resolving those you'll find it easier to deal with your other issues as well.


I think your first step is to talk to him -- not yell, but to talk -- and tell him what you've said here, that you're tired, exhausted, near tears every day. Tell him that you need his help, that you can't carry it all by yourself. Work together to devise a plan of who's going to do what and when, make sure it's fair; he's no more entitled to plopping on a chair after work than you are.


You should also tell him you need more from him on a personal level. Again, tell him what you've said here about needing to have time with him, tell him how it feels to have him fall asleep when you want/need time with him, especially when he's already been sleeping and you've been working your tail off keeping work and home going.


There are a couple of articles in our Information and Resources section on conflict resolution that might help you:

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

face="Papyrus" color="saddlebrown" size="">-->

>-->







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:11am
Well, he does sometimes help out with the housework, but only if he needs something. For instance, it has been hot around here lately and he only has 4 pairs of khacki shorts he can wear to work. If he runs out, he does laundry. He does dishes if he needs a pot or something to make dinner. He only makes dinner if I am working and didn't get time to make it for the kids. The dishes would sit there for days if I don't get to it. Half the time he will order them pizza. On Tuesdays, I work our cruise night, in which people bring their classic cars up to the bar I work. He will sometimes bring his car and the kids up and I have to cook them dinner. I tried to tell him that he was the one that wanted me to get a job so bad and that if I am working half the hours he is, he should do half the housework I do. I make good money, sometimes up to $40 an hour. He thinks taking care of the grass is enough. He is good at suggesting things that need to be done around here, but he really doesn't do anything about it. He will say ,"WE need to do laundry.". But we all know that means he thinks I should do laundry. I don't know if you remember that the last time we were having problems, he had lost his job. He got a good job only he is the number one suck up on the payroll. Most times I don't mind the overtime, an hour here and there. Yesterday, he went in an hour early and then worked 3 hours over without telling me. He was gone for 12 and a half hours. I thought he would be here when the kids got home, so I went grocery shopping. He didn't show up until 4:30. He called the house phone around 2, but I wasn't home and he didn't leave a message. He didn't even attempt to call my cell phone. I had to call him at work and find out what was going on after waiting an hour or so. The kids were here by themselves. I am just glad my youngest had his key. Don't get me wrong, my kids are old enough to be here by themselves, but their constant arguing makes it almost impossible to leave them alone. My 13 year old has been treating me like a maid more than a mother and is constantly yelling at me and starting crap with his brother. I can't get either one of them to clean their rooms, let alone help me around here. Lately, DH has been volunteering to go in on his days off too. He is supposed to start his vacation today, then he told me he wanted to go in and work 8 hours. I had to beg him through tears not to go in. I have tried talking to him, but he turns himself off to me. I need to get my emotions out or I am going to explode. He walks away or gets in his car and drives away. Everytime I need him to be there for me emotionally he is always unavailable. He says he loves me and wants to be my husband, but he sure doesn't act like it. He claims he doesn't know how to comfort me, but after 16 years of being there before, why would he suddenly not know now? All I do is clean, work, and cry. I am miserable all the time. I actually think I may be depressed. I think about packing my stuff up and leaving all the time, but I just couldn't do that to my kids. I feel like the more I try, the more I get screwed over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:31am

It sounds like he's been pretty clear about not believing he should do any housework at all. Have you had an actual discussion with him about that, telling him that you need and depend on his help? I mean a discussion where you tell him you have a problem you need his help with, sit him down (when you have a block of time without interruption) and talk to him about this? Does he understand it's too much for you, that if you're pulling part of the out-of-home work you need him to be pulling part of the in-home-work? If you haven't done that, I'd really encourage you to have that conversation. The same goes with your need for more time with him; and if you haven't let him know that you feel close to the breaking point, I'd be sure he knows that too -- as well as the fact that you want to work to fix it. But, since I'm also hearing you say that you're pretty close to not being able to talk about it, maybe you're not able to have a conversation with him about it calmly and rationally? If you're over the top, if it's gotten to that point, that could well be the case. I think a good move would be to ask him to see a couples counselor with you. If he refuses to go, I would urge you to go on your own; you're at the breaking point, need a release and some help sorting things out. While it would be best if he'd go, there is much for you there on your own.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:13am

I forgot to mention. You said "My 13 year old has been treating me like a maid more than a mother and is constantly yelling at me and starting crap with his brother. I can't get either one of them to clean their rooms, let alone help me around here." This is because they're learning how to behave from their father, they're patterning after him. He doesn't do anything around the house, what they're learning is that guys don't do housework, women do, so they're not doing it. They see your husband disrespect you and disregard you and they're treating you the exact same way. Again, learning how to treat you by a) watching their father, and b) seeing that by your acceptance of your treatment that you believe you deserve it and accept it. It's very common. Kids learn what they live growing up, they pattern themselves after the examples they're given. They're watching your husband and patterning after them. I'm surprised it started so late, usually it starts when they're ten or so. Your kids are an example and a reflection of what's happening in your home.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"