emotionally worn out
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emotionally worn out
| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:43am |
I am so emotionally worn out and exhausted that I don't know what to do. I am a part time bartender and work 20 hours a week. My DH works at his job 40 hours a week. We have two kids, both of which have been diagnosed with ADD, one with ADHD. Part of the problem is that we are on opposite schedules and I am getting totally exhausted from it. He gets up at 4 in the morning for his job and works until 2 in the afternoon. I have to be at work at 6 and work until 2:30 a.m. I get up with the kids at 6:45 and then have to clean the breakfast dishes, do my housework and try to fit a nap in somehow. He works until 2, comes home at 2:45 or so, then takes a nap until dinner is ready. He then eats dinner, watches T.V. and goes to bed at about 10. My biggest problem is that he doesn't even acknowledge me anymore. This past friday we were both off work so we went up to the bar I work at. I have been having troubles with my best friend and we got into a fight. I started crying and getting very upset and all he did was turn his back to me and talk to two of my other friends. That was after he had to make his rounds to talk to everyone else. My sister was the one who ended up comforting me. Finally after about 15 minutes, he turned and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. Tonight, I asked him to stay awake so we could have some alone time and all he did was fall asleep on the couch. This was after he had been sleeping off and on since he got home from work. I know he slept an hour at least twice. I am so sick of crying over this. I am an emotional wreck and I am afraid I am going to have some sort of nervous breakdown.

Wow, I don't envy you one bit! I also have a child with behavioural problems (autism) and fully understand how tiring it can be....and that's without the added burdens of working opposite schedules and marital tension.
I'm not sure where to direct you because I'm not sure where/when your problem started. But I'll throw a few ideas up in the air and see if any fit. There will also be quite a number of questions which will help us further tailor our advice to you.
First up, I'm wondering if the issues between you and your husband started because you're both so stressed and tired. If he's also emotionally worn out, it would easily explain much of his behaviour. Unless of course, his behaviour started BEFORE your crazy schedules. Would you mind giving a little history here?
Has your husband ever expressed his frustration or disappointment with your combined lifestyles? If so, what does he think you (as a couple) should do?
Not surprisingly, the housework is tiring you out. Does your husband help you with it? If not, what is his rationale? Also, if he doesn't help, what strategies have you tried to bring him on board?
However, one of the main things that must be addressed immediately is your clashing schedules. You've already identified the schedules as part of the problem here which is a great start. But I'm wondering what you are doing about it. Are you looking for a new job with better hours? Is being a stay at home mom viable?
Sorry to give questions rather than answers. I look forward to your reply.
Personally, I don't think your biggest problem is that he doesn't acknowledge you anymore, I think your biggest problem is that you two aren't dealing with your situation as partners. From what you've said, you're doing all the work to keep home together while working and getting little time for rest or sleep, and you're doing it by yourself. He needs to step up to the plate and do his share. He needs to be cleaning, cooking and taking care of what needs to be taken care of too. You're not a workhorse, you're a partner, one half of the equation; he's the other half and needs to be doing his share. I think if he were acting like a partner, doing his share, you'd each feel more like a team, more like you were working toward a common goal, working with and for each other, and in that you'd feel differently about each other. More sharing, more compassion, closer. Being partners at home may not be the answer to all of your problems, but I think it would go a long way in resolving a lot of them, and I think in resolving those you'll find it easier to deal with your other issues as well.
I think your first step is to talk to him -- not yell, but to talk -- and tell him what you've said here, that you're tired, exhausted, near tears every day. Tell him that you need his help, that you can't carry it all by yourself. Work together to devise a plan of who's going to do what and when, make sure it's fair; he's no more entitled to plopping on a chair after work than you are.
You should also tell him you need more from him on a personal level. Again, tell him what you've said here about needing to have time with him, tell him how it feels to have him fall asleep when you want/need time with him, especially when he's already been sleeping and you've been working your tail off keeping work and home going.
There are a couple of articles in our Information and Resources section on conflict resolution that might help you:
Ten Rules For Fair FightingVerbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
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~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like he's been pretty clear about not believing he should do any housework at all. Have you had an actual discussion with him about that, telling him that you need and depend on his help? I mean a discussion where you tell him you have a problem you need his help with, sit him down (when you have a block of time without interruption) and talk to him about this? Does he understand it's too much for you, that if you're pulling part of the out-of-home work you need him to be pulling part of the in-home-work? If you haven't done that, I'd really encourage you to have that conversation. The same goes with your need for more time with him; and if you haven't let him know that you feel close to the breaking point, I'd be sure he knows that too -- as well as the fact that you want to work to fix it. But, since I'm also hearing you say that you're pretty close to not being able to talk about it, maybe you're not able to have a conversation with him about it calmly and rationally? If you're over the top, if it's gotten to that point, that could well be the case. I think a good move would be to ask him to see a couples counselor with you. If he refuses to go, I would urge you to go on your own; you're at the breaking point, need a release and some help sorting things out. While it would be best if he'd go, there is much for you there on your own.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"