Is this the end? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Is this the end? (long)
2
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:20am
I'm not sure where to begin with this... My husband and I have been together for over 13 years. We've been married for a little over 1 year. We have 2 sons and 1 angel baby we lost last December. Now you can imagine that this December was already going to be a difficult one. However, it seems nearly impossible to me lately. H and I have been fighting for days. I recently found messages and pictures from an online relationship he'd been having for probably a year. That was a huge fight because they were very sexually explicit and I felt cheated on. That led to a serious hole in the trust that I've been trying to hard to maintain (he cheated on me 3 years ago with my cousin). He complains that I don't show him enough affection, to me it seems more like he's mad that he doesn't get enough sex. With every fight we have lately, it seems that my heart goes out of this relationship more and more. Don't misunderstand me, I do not want a divorce! I just want the fighting to stop. I want to be in love with my husband again. That's why I married him afterall... I find it hard to show affection to him, maybe because in the past, he always brushed me off. Maybe I have a problem letting go of the past insults... Also, I'm afraid to show him affection sometimes because it always has to mean sex. My sex life has been terribly abused in my past. That thing I want is to feel like I'm being groped and used for sex. He has tried to tell me that its not just about the sex, but that sex is a way to show him that I'm attracted to him and that I love him. I don't see it that way. Plus, how can I get interested in sex if I'm constantly wondering if he's saying the same thing to someone else??? I'm so lost and confused...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:49am

Since you've been with your DH in some way for 13 years, I have a feeling your views on sex and why you have them is NOT new to him. The fact that he doesn't get it or care to get it means (to me) that what he wants is more important than how you feel. He doesn't think how you feel is any big deal.

And yes, of course you feel cheated on. It is because you were cheated on. It doesn't matter if he didn't actually manage to have sex with her or not, you were still cheated on. And I have to tell you, it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the amount of sex the two of you have. I also can understand where you feel that if you give affection then it automatically becomes sex. After awhile I bet you cringe if he so much as gives you a peck because if you respond at all to it, then it feels like he's going to expect sex.

You also said that for the last 3 years YOU have been trying hard to maintain the trust. What has he been doing to rebuild it? Because YOU cannot maintain trust for him. Once he's broken it (and sleeping with your cousin MORE than qualifies) HE has to be the one to earn it back. You can't GIVE it back.

I think that you personally would benefit from counseling, if just to work through your past and having your sex life abused. That alone needs addressing and could go a long way in helping you feel better. I think that couples counseling is also a definite if you really want to stay with your DH. His actions will destroy you and your marriage if they continue. let alone look at the example he's setting for your sons. Do you want them to treat a woman in their lives the way you are treated?

I hope that you can get counseling. And I hope that things improve for you.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 1:10am

Ahosterman, my deepest sympathies on the loss of your baby. That is one of the most difficult things anyone can face. Yes, you're right the anniversary of your baby's death is bound to be difficult and it will continue to be so for many years to come, if not always. It sounds like recently there is a lot of negative and emotional chaos going on in your life. Some of it seems to be recurring problems from the past (the cheating) and that may well be the case. However, it's a very common phenomenon that serious problems and issues appear that are actually intertwined with dealing with the traumatic anniversary issue that you're facing. There is just so much going on for you and so many unrecognized reasons that may be the cause; this is just too complex and there are too many issues to be dealt with by yourselves or by anyone who isn't a professional therapist. I really urge you to see a licensed therapist as soon as possible to help you unravel all these intertwined issues so that you can resolve those you can and find peace in those you can't. If your husband would agree to attend with you, that would be the very best. And if he does, please be sure the therapist you see is licensed or has a certificate in couples counseling. Some therapist and counselors who do not have the certification do couples counseling as a "service", when in fact the methods involved in couples is very different from the methods in individual therapy. Without the proper training and certification, these well-meaning therapists and counselors do much more harm to the couples they're trying to help simply because they do not have the knowledge, skills or training to know how to work with them. It's important that you get qualified help. If your husband won't go, go on your own. There is much you can do to help yourself and make changes in your relationship without your husband's help. In case you need help finding a therapist:


Referrals For a Qualified Therapist

Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials


I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so unbearable to be going through the anniversary of the death of your child, dealing with these issues in your marriage is too much.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"