Engaged with concerns

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Engaged with concerns
8
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 5:59pm
I recently got engaged in April! It has been very exciting. I was proposed to on top of a mountain of the first location we camped at. It was very romantic and I love my fiance very much. Unfortunately, my fiance seems to have trouble with his self esteem. I love him and he loves me very much, but some friends who are part of our group of friends do not like him and will sometimes make the effort to not hang out with him. This has been a reoccuring theme. He is pretty sensitive and every time this happens he ends up thinking he is a horrible person and should just go away, because no one wants him around, except me of course. When this happens he basically shuts me out completely and sometimes locks himself in his room and gets drunk to forget his problems. When I try to talk to him he ingores me or yells at me. We have talked about this a lot, and he tells me that he just likes to have his alone time when he is upset. This is understandable, but since it keeps happening it is really starting to concern me. If we are going to spend our lives togethor, shouldnt we be able to talk to eachother and work though things togethor. I have been upset before and he usually leaves me alone when I want someone there to talk to. Is this a sign that our relationship could fail in the future? I am kinda paranoid about that because my parents got divorced and it really hurt me. I want to do every thing I can to aviod that from happening. He is truely my best friend and I love him to death. When I talk to him he just says he doesn't deserve me and falls into even deeper depression and shuts me out more. This has happened many times and we always have the same conversation and then something bad will happen and he will be depressed again and treat me crappy. I dont want this to keep happening my whole life. If you have any advice on what I should do please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 8:54pm

First, congratulations!

Second, why are you guys trying to hang around people who don't like him? If they are your longtime friends the least you can do is have a girls' night out so that he doesn't feel slighted. Stop having him try to be in situations where he's going to be put in that position.

Third, men usually like alone time to get over their problems. You do to him what YOU would want done. You would want to talk. He does to you what he would like done, he wants left alone. Buy the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and read it. It's great, it's short, and it will really help.

Fourth, I would have some serious concerns about a guy who uses alcohol to escape from his problems and how gets drunk when he feels down. It sounds like he could be on the path of becoming an alcoholic in the future (not a definite but anyone who uses a substance, food, alcohol, sex, etc to deal with problems doesn't have the best coping skills.) I would be really concerned about that. Maybe you could address it in premarital counseling. And your fear of repeating your parent's marriage.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 10:56pm

I agree with PP.

I would add that if his self esteem is the problem then he needs to fix that....you can't fix that and pressuring him to talk about it is not likely going to help. He should get some professional help with this.

You may also have some unresolved business from your parent's divorce and likewise this is your issue to fix not his and you should get some help for this.

His coping behaviors are very troubling as the PP said, and the way I think about it is if he has this much trouble coping with rejection from friends (which is really a problem he can fix by not trying to make friends with people that don't like him), what is going to be like when you have some real issues in your lives....like say a sick child, fertility issues, death of a parent, unexpected financial stresses, etc, etc. No one gets through life without challenges and you want a strong partner to help climb over those hurdles with....not an additional weight that you have to carry over the hurdles...that would be my concern along with the potential for alcoholism (or other addicitive behaviors) as PP mentioned.

You do need to think carefully here....marriage is a big step with big consequences if it fails....spend some time on divorce and custody board for a preview of this (to add to your own expereinces from your parents).

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:34am
Oragecuse? What am I missing? Who is PP and where did they add input to this post????








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:47am
I think you have reason for concern, and you're smart to be thinking along these lines, Fhmmm. Your engagement sounds very romantic, but romance is a small part of a marriage and a life together. You said you don't want this to keep happening your whole life, but you should expect that it will, and that it will probably increase after your marriage. Why do I say that? Because things that were problems before marriage tend to be much bigger problems afterward and your fiance doesn't seem to be making any moves towards resolving this issue within himself. Instead, it sounds like he excuses it, tells you he just wants to be alone, etc. Well sure, wanting some time alone is pretty acceptable and understandable, lots of people like time to themselves when they're upset, but they don't lock themselves away, they don't get drunk, they don't refuse to let their s/o's in and they don't go through 16 renditions of "I'm not good enough for you". All those things are pretty serious indicators of some pretty serious emotional issues. Without working with a therapist to deal with these issues and resolve them, they will most certainly continue. As you've already said, you don't want this to be a part of your life, and you're right -- it shouldn't be. The hard part is unless your fiance wants to work on these issues they won't go away. He may hide them if you tell him you can't accept it, but when you marry, they'll come back, he won't have "changed", he'll have done what he needed to do to keep you. He may even go to therapy to "work on them", but if he's going to keep you rather than to really resolve issues in himself, changes won't last.


Anytime you're contemplating marriage, you should always expect nothing but the behavior you're seeing now, you can't expect things to change or get better, you must expect things to be what they are. I would urge you to not agree to marry until you are 100% certain it is what you should do. By that I mean you shouldn't have to ask yourself if this is really what you want, there should be no doubt in your mind. As long as there's doubt, it's not the right thing. Believe me.


I also agree with Orangecuse, it sounds like you've got some issues surrounding your parents divorce that continue to cause you concern. Seeing a therapist to resolve those issues and concerns will make your life much easier and clearer; it might even make the marriage concerns you have now absolutely clear. You won't regret it.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 9:28am

CL,

PP is previous poster. :)

At least, that's what I've always assumed.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:15am

I was referring to Jen's "prior post" just before mine...I thought she nailed it but once I was typing my message (responding to OP and could not still see Jen's) I could not remember it was specifically her, so I used PP instead of just saying Jen.

Thanks, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:30am
You know, you'd think that would be sooo obvious. It just went over my head. You sign your posts with "P" and that made me think you were talking about someone else. I was thinking, "OK, he's "P", so who's "PP"?" Duh! Thanks. It's amazing what should be obvious that isn't sometimes!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:54pm

I just thought I'd chime in with my 2 cents... I'm a newlywed, I guess (it will be a year in 2 weeks). But, the previous posters were correct in that men don't usually solve issues by talking about them. They somehow think if they just don't say anything the issues magically disappear. Go figure.

But, if your fiance' has personal issues, the only one that can fix them is him. You can be his support, but he has to first of all recognize that he has a problem, then do something the fix it.

With my husband, I knew before we got married that he didn't like to talk about things that were bothering him, but that didn't stop me from trying to get him to talk about it. Now, he recognizes that I need him to communicate with me more, and he makes an effort, but it's a small effort; I guess it just takes time. I also agree that you should look into pre-marital councelling; it was a great help for me.

Good luck with everything; I'm sure it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

anonymous