Ex boyfriend still loves me and wants me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Ex boyfriend still loves me and wants me
11
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 2:05pm

Sorry, I had posted this in a wrong msg board!

hi guys/gals out there!

I came back in search of my love after 6 years of my own marriage, and same six years of him waiting for me to come back. Yes, he waited for me for 6 years (he had told me that he will when I had told him about my marriage), now he is married since 6 months and he is expecting a child. I met him now- he told me he is thrilled to see me back and he told me he still loves me, we spoke about everything-my married life and how his life was without me. You ask-How did I meet him so suddenly? I called him: I COULD NOT GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND FOR THESE 6 YEARS EVEN THOUGH I WAS MARRIED TO ANOTHER MAN. First reason was "I realize that I just love my ex boy friend", second- my marriage now is almost broken, I don't see anything common between my husband and me. 6 years back, it was me who had left my BF since our situation was worse. I was caught red handed in my house for loving my boy friend, my BF was unemployed at that time, I was employed and it made me feel uncertain to rely on him. I could not convince my parents that my BF needs more time for him to be employed so that I can marry him and settle down. I had lost it.

So, I had to leave my BF. The worst decision I took was to marry someone else (who is my husband today) My parents forced me to marry. I was 23 at that time-very very vulnerable, less stable than what I am today. This marriage has costed me a lot- a lot. I have had this unfortunate marriage and not happy today. My husband is also not happy. We both know our marriage is going to drains. I am feeling we both are in a "Life Sentence" and we are remaining married because we are married in front of hundreds of people! My BF is well settled today with a good job. Today, when I met my BF, and told him that I am not happy with my husband, he felt raged with anger that my husband could not keep me happy and he is upset with himself that he did not come to the wedding hall 6 years back and stop my marriage from happening in front of all people. He is very sad for me. He is very very sad that I did not come back to him just 6 months ago-so that he would not have married his wife at all. Anyways, this is what happened. I know that HE LOVES ME. He knows that I LOVE HIM. We both have feeling for each other. True. I want to leave my husband today-I mean divorce him. I told this to my BF. My BF told me to COME BACK TO HIS LIFE and THAT HE WILL GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT, AND THAT HE LOVES ME.
I mean- my BF told me he will take me as his second wife. He told me he got married 6 months back since he was under pressure from his father who was almost dying in bed. He told me he could not forget me for even one day and that him having a baby now with his wife is just happening but it is nothing like me coming back to his life again. He was so happy yesterday when we were together like old times. I was so happy too. He says "come back to me- I will take care of you, don't worry".

My situation- A man who is my ex BF is asking me to be his second wife. He is going to have a child 3 months from today. I love him. He loves me. Past things happened. But we both want to face life practically. I need some strength to be his second wife. I have the ball in my court. I am in India right now. I am going back to USA next week. I have a new job offer in USA. He lives here in India. He has left it open to me to come back to India taking all my belongings from USA, asking for a divorce from my husband. And me- I cannot imagine living with my husband. What do you think I should do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:14pm

Please forgive me for asking a potentially dumb question....

But when you speak of him having you as a second wife, are you saying that he'd divorce his current wife - or are you talking about polygamy?

If it's the latter, how do you feel about being a second wife? How do you think his 1st wife would feel about it? Is it acceptable within your customs and family background? Please be as descriptive as you can because we need to be able to understand your culture to give reasonable advice.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:39pm

Welcome back Gulabi1 ~ Of course I recognized you as soon as I peeked in on the board. I won’t be able to get to the board for a while, but I wanted to provide the links to your previous post as soon as I could so that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your situation and history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

uncompromising hubby








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 6/14/2006 11:24 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:24am

Hi,

I believe that this is an unfortunate situation. I do understand that your ex and you are soul mates and that the love you share is real and true. I think you have to respect your ex's marriage despite what he says, since he's married and he's expecting a child. Why would you want to start an affair ? It just complicates things in the end. As for your husband, I believe you should get divorced since neither of you are happy and your heart is in another place. Our lifespan is so short, why live x amount of years unhappy. Even if you don't end up with your ex, you have to learn to be happy and focus on yourself.

I know my opinion is probably not one you want to hear, however I believe that if your ex and you really want to be together despite your situations. Figure things out in each your lives, straighten them out before you come together again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 10:21am

It is cultural (Islam). If I'm not mistaken.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:26pm

How embarrassing! After posting the above post yesterday, my daughter needed to get on the computer to research a homework assignment. While waiting for her I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to my husband telling me it was midnight! Since I went straight to bed and back to sleep and slept the night, I guess I needed it! Not to mention that I wrote the wrong name in the "welcome back" part of my note -- sorry! Sheesh!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:11am

Gulabi1, I, like the others, need clarification on the question that's been asked before I can respond. Along with that, I have another question. You said that your parents forced you to marry your husband, but it doesn't sound like such a forceful marriage when you said, "I don't know what came to me, even I told my father I am ready to marry this man." In your previous post you also said your parents know you're unhappy and have indicated they will support whatever decision you make. Did you read my last response to your other post?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:19am

If I've understood Gulabi1 correctly, she's Indian. India's population is 82% Hindu and from what I understand, Hinduism does not smile on polygamy. The fact that she suggests her parent arranged her marriage would also indicate they're Hindu. There is a much smaller Indian population that is Islamic (12%). I guess we'll have to wait for her reply to know what the situation is.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:31pm

Hi all,

Thanks for the responses. Yes, cl-2nd_life, I read your last response abt the old topic 'Uncompromising Hubby' you had written. You had hinted me not to enter/meet my ex-BF. But you see, he happens to be my very close friend- let alone me marrying him or not.

And yes, I am a hindu. See we dont actually support polygamy legally, but I know of cases where the society has given permission to a man to marry a second woman. I have to do detailed research abt this. But this fact is so prominent- my BF and I know of a person who has 2 wives. Actually, that person is my BF's father's close friend himself!

I am not saying I have said him "yes, I will be ur second wife". See this was his thought the moment I told him that I am unhappy and sad. I DID NOT EXPECT HIM TO SAY "Come back, I will take care of you"! I was shocked and so happy that he could even say this. I am not saying I will be his 2nd wife tomorrow. I know it is not simple. I am glad I got my BF back as a friend. I am in India now as I had mentioned. He took off from work on Monday to meet me and spend the day with me. When I met him, I asked him what and why is he taking off? He told me that this is "love" and he is not taking pity on me or anything.

Anyways, I am so f'ng confused! Hey, guess what? I cannot go back and sleep next to my husband. Can I forgive him? Man, he has not given me sex for 6 years. Just imagine how much control and magic he has done on me for postponing to have sex! What a life man, how angry I am with myself- only I know. These men are so mean and selfish, egoistic. Dont u think his ego has stood between our physical relationship?

I am soooo happy meeting with my BF again! I dont care if I am not his 2nd wife today or if I will not be in future, but I was happy looking at his broad mindedness. I can live without him but I dont think I can live with my husband with this constant arguments in our marriage.

Oh, he has asked me to come back to India taking all my stuff from USA. Is he crazy? Or am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:51am

I can't speak to the issue of being a second wife at all, it's a concept that's completely foreign to my culture. I can speak the the act of jumping out of one relationship and directly into another. That's bad business and doesn't allow you any time to sort through how you've changed as a result of your six years of dysfunctional and abusive marriage. You're in no shape to move on to someone else, you need time without any husband or love interest in your life to work on you. It doesn't matter that he's your best friend, you had intentions of meeting up with him in a romantic way before you left, even though assuring that it was "just friends", you've come back thrilled and ecstatic that he's "waited for you all this time, still loves you," etc., etc. You're not fooling even yourself, I don't think.


If you want out of this marriage (and you should) then leave, but you don't need another man to give you incentive to leave, and no other man should be the reason you leave. You should leave because you want better, you expect better, you deserve better and you won't accept this kind of treatment any longer, period. This is about you, not that some other prospect looks better. I think jumping from one to another will be a mistake and eventually you'll regret not having taken the time for yourself. Your parents have told you they'll support any decision you make. Tell your boyfriend you need a good amount of time on your own to sort through what you've been through and who you are as a result of the life you've lived. Tell him you'll contact him when you're through that important process that you need to do for yourself. Leave your husband and stay with your parents while you take this time to get a grasp on who you are now, as a result of your life for the last six years.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 11:24am

Just curious, but ...

You haven't said anything about his wife. Have you talked to her? What does she think about all this? I understand that second wives are slightly accepted (and I say "slightly" because you said it was something you would have to research which means it's not necessarily "mainstream"), but what does that say about him and his respect for her? And how do you know he won't take a third or fourth wife? How will you feel about sharing him? Or always being the "second wife"?

I'm sorry, I probably sound very ignorant. I know various cultures view marriage differently, but packing up all your belongings, leaving any friends or opportunities you have here, and moving back to India is a HUGE decision. It shouldn't be made on impulse alone.

I agree with the previous poster. Give it time. You need time to heal from your current relationahip. Get a divorce from your husband. Start a life of your own. Your bf should respect that. Then, if it's meant to be, everything will work out.

Good luck!

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