Ex-Factor- Should I give up??
Find a Conversation
|Mon, 01-07-2013 - 11:09am|
Haven't been back in a while but alas another relationship ending? I have been with the man who for the first time I thought could be the love of my life. We click in every way and enjoy each others company. There is only 1 problem- his ex-fiancee. The were together 7 years but never married. Just when I think I can relax and just be happy with someone, she somehow manages to ruin it. And I say her, but the true reality is she did not know about us until October. He always made an excuse that she was too fragile to hear it. She tend to call him only when something difficult happens in her life.
Jus to give the backstory, I have been insecure about his ex since the begininng. He had so many things of her in his house when I first stayed there that it was almost as if she still lived there- photos, cards, some other more personal items. I finally blew up at him one day and said he had to get rid of it and that it was disrespectful to me. He did (not everything) so I finally just threw it out myself. He says he just doesn't get rid of stuff which i do find to be true. He even called me by her name a few times (as recently as 1 week ago at a very poor time). They had a really complicated relationship to the outside (never even lived together in 7 years) but he would never really talk about it so I always feel like she was the once that got away for him. This all became a non-issue eventually and I got to a place where I was comfortable. We were long distance up until August. When I was interviewing for a job in his hometown to be closer to him, his ex texted him and he hid it from me. Turns out one of her friends got cancer and she called him to cry. I was there interviewing to move 1500 miles aways and she was causing us issues. I got over it. He didn't tell her about us at this time because he said she was very fragile (This is the second time he avoided it).
I think we are doing well after this occurs, and it is about 1.5 years into our relationship. I move to be with him, and the the next set of texts occurs… but this time on says "I hope you are doing well. I am so very sorry and it still makes me cry and difficult to talk. Love, ??". He hides this one from me as well but he gave away the fact that he received a text from her with his facial expressions. It has happened infrequently enough that it is easy to see. This text to me says that she might want to get back together with him. He said, no, thats not what it means, it's just a salvation, etc. making all the excuses for her. After this, I finally put my foot down, and said, you tell her about us or Im done. So he tells me he told her. Of course, I have no proof but what can I do. A couple days later she texts him that she has to have some medical test run and that she is scared is sorry to text him. I know he called her and spent at least an hour on the phone. I know he cares about her because they were together so long but 1.5 years into our relationship, he should not be her support system and she should not be able to manipulate him like this. She cheated on him and ended there 7+ year relationship even though he would've taken her back. I have been hurt in the past andI don't want to set myself up for failure when its right in front of me. I cried for days and fought with him a lot after these messages. He defended her and himself saying she is not in my life, just happens that she text me once every 6 months and that she doesn't have anyone else. I would like to believe him but it took him over a year to tell the ex about us. He also refuses to delete her texts / contact info out of his phone because he says it documents his life and why should he have to do that. FYI, It also took him 6 months to delete pics off his phone of her.
She has not come into the picture again since end of October, but I can't escape the feeling that something will or is happening. I have talked about this with my bf and he assures me I am the one he wants and he treats me wonderful. I just can't escape the pain he has caused me by hiding his relationship. I actually am at the point where I think ending it may be the only option even if nothing else happens just because of my feelings. The only other solution I have come up with is to talk to his ex and get her side of the story. I don't know why but I think finding out if he actually told her about us and if he has been truthful I will feel some sense of relief. Ive almost call and e-mailed her a few times, and then stopped myself. Is that crazy?