FACEBOOK QUESTION/Situation - kind of long

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
FACEBOOK QUESTION/Situation - kind of long
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 7:03pm

Hello - male newbie to the board. I have lurked but this is my first post.

Facebook - I am trying to do some interpretation here of my spouses actions. Let me know what you think:

So some point last year an ex-girlfriend of mine reached out to me on Facebook. Some history/background: We were good friends before we decided to make it official. In fact, I was 17 and she was 16 (so many moons ago about 20 years ago). We were each others FIRST in the sexual arena and we broke up very soon afterwards and lost touch.

So back to last year, she found me on Facebook and "friended me". Shortky afterwards, she sent me a message with her phone number. She lives in Atlanta and I live in the Los Angeles area. She is from California and was coming home to visit and wanted to have lunch. First off, I didn't think anything of accepting her friend request or her request to have lunch. I have mu status lists that I am married, I have family pictures up too. In fact I didn't even reply. At somepoint, my wife was on my Facebook page and saw the message and the phone number. She busts into the room and immediately starts going through my phone. She didn't say what she was doing but I knew what that was all about. We got into an argument about me accepting the friend request from an "ex" and she insisted that she wanted to meet with me because she still wanted me. My wife then goes on to say if that wasn't the case, she would have invited us BOTH. I thought that was nonsense and just "unfriended her". Now my wife did not tell me to do so, but I knew it would be a sore spot that would take forever to go away.

So that brings me to the present. My wife also has a Facebook page and earlier this year, one of her exes found her and she accepted his friend request. Of course she didn't tell me until after she accepted. They talked on Facebook by message back and forth - no big deal, I didn't make anything of it until I came across a couple of messages that were "deleted". I kind of saw them by accident - we have one shared email account that she uses more than I do. I found a Facebook email that said she had a message from him. Actually there were a couple and that's how knew they were talking but it seems they even "IMing" on Facebook. At one point they spoke about how old they were and she remarked that both still looked good which to me is compliment to him. I thought, "hhhmmm" that is interesting.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 7:20pm

She clearly has a double standard and I think it is not ok that she is messaging them that much. I also think it is strange that she changed the password, it tells me that she has something to hide. However, this does not mean that she is willing to cheat but iff I was you I would keep on eye on it and see if it goes any further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 7:25pm

They do not talk everyday - as far as I can tell - maybe those messages are deleted but there are some from the week before or a couple weeks prior to the "major" stuff.

The password change is definitely strange! I think I am going to coyly say to her tonight, something to the effect of, "Hey, I was just thinking today, you have all my passwords but I don't have yours". I will say it very nonchalantly then watch her response.

I think it should be entertaining to see if she stutters or anything

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 8:06pm

Well of course if you confront her w/ this info you will have to admit that you have been spying on her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 8:30pm
Yeah there are trust issues. I have been reading up lately on he importance of fathers in a girls life - and how if the the father is not a trust worthy figure then most girls grow up to have trust issues with men. Her dad was really strict and constantly swindled people out of their money and on top of that he molested her two sisters.

I really didn't mean to spy on her at first - lol - I just happen to come across a Facebook notification email in our joint account with a message from her ex before me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 12:59am
Hmmm. I agree with wife that a lunch date with an old flame from the past should be done together. That seems reasonable. Her activities however are hypocritical and unfair. If You confront her, she's gets defensive, oesnt really matter as you have proof. You don't seem very angry about it, just more unnerved by her not even following rules she sets for you. If you let this continue, how long do you do this? And for what purpose? What would you like to see happen when the drama unfolds?
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 2:28am

Welcome to the board, Mr.hmmm ~

You've got a lot of lols, there, but I don't think this is funny at all.

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 10:33am
I agree with your wife that your ex should have invited her as well. I've gotten in touch with ex's over the years and each and every time we talked about meeting up, I would always suggest our spouses be there, or, at the very least, his spouse. I just think it's respectful. Whether or not the spouses wants to go is up to them, but I do agree that the offer should be there so intentions are not misinterpreted. You are ex's after all.

But with that said, your wife is not behaving respectfully towards you and is being sneaky. That is not okay and definitely hypocritical.

I think you should not play games, and be open and honest and tell her what you know and how you feel about it all. Communication is key in marriages - not spying or sneaking or hiding things from each other. You are not contributing to the health of your marriage by withholding information that bothers you. Mentioning just the password stuff is adding to the sneakiness and playing games. Say it all and be honest. I think what you both want is a trusting and honest marriage right? So, do what it takes to create that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 11:55am
I just think with inviting the spouse it is awkward. I understand the perception it may give and i would understand if they had met before or somewhat knew each other but they don't. I couldn't imagine going to lunch with her and an ex and listen to them talk, I already don't like when we go places now and a bunch of her co-workers are around and they talk about stuff I do not care about or know about.

I am not sure what I would like to see when this unfolds honestly or how long to let it go on. I guess I am curious to see how far it will go - what will these guys try.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 12:11pm
@ 2nd_life - I put the LOL's because it is kind of amusing to me. I am in a weird place with this whole thing. I really, truly don't think she would take this to the next level with either of the guys. Also, both of them live out of state so there isn't any immediate danger of a physical relationship and she doesn't communicate via phone or text message with them either.

I really wouldn't mind if she went to lunch with these guys either unless it was something she arranged secretly. If asked me upfront - if I minded - I would say no but then hide in the bushes at location - just kidding!

I guess what intrigues me is that my wife lives a pretty ho-hum dry life. She doesn't really have any hobbies - kind of boring really. We have two kids which really consumes our time but she generally doesn't take time for herself as i have mentioned on several occasions that she should. So I think she is curious with this "thing".

I think her initial reaction to my ex is response to her TRUST issues, as I mentioned in a previous post - her father was not that great of a guy during her childhood and I think it has manifested itself in her relationships. She of course won't admit to that but I have been doing some reading up on the subject. As I have read, women who come from abusive pasts have lots of trust issues.

I hope that all makes sense as to why this intrigues me. But we definitely need to have a conversation - i am still trying to determine when i will initiate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 12:18pm
@ Mia -

You are absolutely right - I can really say anything more to that.