Fallen out of love...
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| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:52am |
My BF and I have been together for 6 months now. For the most part, everything has been going great. We have a wonderful time together. Yes we have had some arguments but nothing I feel too serious… just about things that we learn as the relationship grows. Well, last night, I was talking about going to my mom’s house this weekend, and all of a sudden he starts acting weird and says maybe that’s not a good idea. And then explains how he’s feeling in the relationship… which is that he really cares about me but doesn’t love me anymore (note: he said I love you to me after 2 months); and he also brought up some other points which I guess are not that important for this post and would take too long to explain (personality flaws, working too much, having alone time.. blah blah normal stuff). Anyway, I got very upset because I do love him very much and think he’s the one for me; and I thought he felt the same way since we have talked about it before.
We start talking about this more… I tell him that I feel he’s giving up on us (I mean it’s only been 6 months), and that if he wants to be in that type of love he has to try and not just back out once something negative happens. And he has to WANT to try… I can’t force him to feel something. Relationships have their ups and downs. Then he says, OK I want this to work. You are right I’m not being fair. I want to feel that again. I do ask him again because I want to make sure we are on the same page, and he agrees. So we are not broken up, but I’m not 100% sure if I made the right choice. On one hand, I feel that maybe I should just leave, but I feel like my gut tells me no this is love and I know he has it inside of him. I also start to think about his track record…. He’s 30 and hasn’t been in a relationship for more than 8 months… many have been in the range to 3-6 mths. This makes me wonder if he’s afraid to commit or scared of making the next step. I, on other hand, got out of a 3 year relationship about a year and a half ago and have more experience with the long term thing.
One other thing (sorry this is long), he brought up is about moving. We had talked about moving before but not recently. We were thinking about moving to Colorado, but last night I find out he’s been thinking Rhode Island mainly for his career. He says he didn’t bring it up because he ASSUMED I wouldn’t be interested… But I AM interested! I want him to be successful and I’m supportive. I told him this, and he was sorry he didn’t bring up. This is so frustrating because I felt he was ASSUMING a lot of other points he made as well.
Anyways, my question is now that we’re going forward and trying to make this work… what can I do to help him? Thoughs, ideas, anything……
Thanks!!!

Hi Marie
My gut feeling is that you are doing the wrong thing by persuading him to stay. If a person needs to be persuaded to be in a relationship, then they shouldn't be there in the first place. There is now the possibility that he's staying partly because he feels pressured to do so or because he feels sorry for you.
you said >>and he also brought up some other points which I guess are not that important for this post and would take too long to explain (personality flaws, working too much, having alone time.. blah blah normal stuff)<<
This ISN'T blah blah normal stuff. This is serious stuff and each of them are very valid reasons to fall out of love and break off a relationship. You sound like you're taking his concerns quite lightly.
Lastly, if he didn't mention Rhode Island to you - it's because he wants to go alone. He said that he assumed you wouldn't be interested...but if he really wanted you to go together, he would have asked you long ago.
Sorry hon, this guy is finished with the relationship. Do the right thing by him and let him go.
I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but I think everything Aisha said is absolutely right.
There are some important things in what you said:
You're right that learning things as the relationship goes along is the way every relationship goes, and six months into the relationship is still very fully in that "discovery" stage of the relationship, it's still a time when you are very much learning about each other and at this stage very often find that the relationship is not right for you. Six months is very, very early into a relationship, the fact that he's verbalized thinking it should end at this very early stage says it's not what it needs to be to be right for both of you. At six months you shouldn't have to "fight for your relationship", and if you're struggling at six months, when the relationship should be at it's easiest, how can you expect to survive when it really gets tough? Much as I know this hurts you, why would you want to struggle to keep a floundering new relationship going when if it was as good as it should be there would be no struggle?
You also said that he started saying he loved you at two months into the relationship. That's a big red flag of a very immature guy who makes poor choices with his life. At the age of 30 he's no kid. He knows full well that you can't love someone at two months, you don't know them well enough. You can know things look great at that stage, that everything's clicking so far, and you certainly are feeling that chemical rush that we all feel in new relationships, but that's not love, and you can't love someone when there's more about them you don't know than things you do. Proof in point: when he didn't know you well (two months) he "loved" you, but upon getting to know you more (six months) he doesn't love you. I'm sure he had strong feelings for you, but he didn't love you, and in knowing you more he realizes that he's not as compatible to you as he thought he was. Please know I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you or that this is your fault, neither of those things are true, you're just not right for him. And if, as you suspect, his relationship history says he always bails at this time, clinging to him won't make it right, won't make him want to stay and holding onto him won't change that. Fact is, struggling at six months says the relationship isn't a lasting one.
I know that's not what you want to hear, sorry.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Oddly enough, I realize what you are going through. My boyfriend of two years, made it clear he still loves me, but is so stressed in his life, he told me he was thinking about moving out. I don't think he should give up on our wonderful relationship without trying to work things through and let the stress go away.
All it takes is a little time and a lot of love. It sounds like you really love him a lot and that he too loves you though he may be afraid to let it show. Also, six months isn't that long... you are still in the beginning of the relationship and this sounds like something that will certainly work itself out, if given some time. You sound like you are wonderfully supportive and willing to work things out... hopefully he is willing to put in as much effort to support you. It sounds like he does care about you and will be there for you.
You said you thought your boyfriend was "the one", well my boyfriend is the one, too. So I am willing to do anything to make him stay and continue our loving relationship. It sounds like you are in the same boat. It's all about give and take, just make sure you're not doing all the giving.
Hope this helped. If you have any ideas/comments about my boyfriends situation, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Everyone gave you good advice, I would only add the following as food for thought:
At the 4-7 month mark, most people do re-evaluate the relationship, because certain things have now come to light in the relationship. The other person is no longer on their best behavior i.e. - trying to impress you.
Him saying 'I love you' at month 2 was him loving the feeling of all the attention, the newness of the relationship, the excitement, the 'I can't get enough of you stage' - now he's telling you he doesn't love you anymore, that may or may not be true.
Remember this: People fall in love and stay in loved not because of how they feel about the other person, but rather how they feel about themselves while with the other person.
So, he's given you ideas on how to improve - personality flaws, working too much, having alone time - that just means the schedule is about to change, it's another phase of the relationship that if both of you willing to try to adjust to the changes, it might work.
Reading material I highly recommend:
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman
Carrie
Itwinflame ~ I love your perspective(!), I've never thought of it that way before.
It may be semantics, but I disagree with the "may or may not still love you at 4-7 months" part; IMO, at two months it isn't really love. Rather, like you said, it's the feeling of all the attention, the newness of the relationship, the excitement, the 'I can't get enough of you stage' (and the chemical rush that's present at that stage too). So, if it wasn't really love then, it's not that he "may not still love you at 4-7 months", it's that the excitment stage is gone, the love was never there, nor is there enough compatibility to make him desire to continue the relationship. JMO.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You can be, fall, whatever it may be in love with a person from the very moment that they step into your life.weather its the first month to the next year love can be there if its true and real there is no time remember that!
My dh and i fell in love the moment we laid eyes on each other and im not talking out the side of my mouth cause it happend!
See:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rltoxicrelat&msg=2235.1
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 3/30/2006 4:32 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"