feel like best friend and soon to be husband crossed lines and disrespected me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2013
feel like best friend and soon to be husband crossed lines and disrespected me....
7
Tue, 10-22-2013 - 6:37pm

There is a background to this story.  I've been with my soon to be husband for 8 and a half years. We are planned to marry in 8 months. For the past 5 months, we've had repeated fights about how he doesn't pay attention or spend time with me. While that sounds self centered,  let me explain.  He works anywhere from 10-15 hour days. I work as well and am helping raise my 3 year old brother. When I try to spend time with him, he rather be on Facebook or reading magazine articles. 

This past weekend, the 19th of October,  we threw a halloween bash. We had over 40 guest come over. It was our last hoorah until the holidays following the wedding. Everyone got stupid drunk which wasn't what I wanted. I ended up being the babysitter. I had a few people come up to me and tell me I needed to go check on my fiance. I was completely embarassed! He was on the couch with one of my best friends, rubbing up her leg and thigh. They were drunk. To me that is no excuse. Then on Monday morning someone sent me a few photos of my soon to be husband laying in the grass with my friend. She was practically on top of him as he gave someone the finger. I'm so embarrased and feel disrespected. He has apologized left and right. I also messaged her on FB....with the photos. Told her how I felt. She apologized. It just isn't enough. I got this party together. Took care of everyone. Cleaned up after everyone. The whole time, he was MIA. Drinking isn't an excuse as I've been drunk before and was able to control myself. I shouldn't have to tell him all this 8 years into the relationship & 8 months away from the wedding. below is one of the photos sent to me from someone at the party. 

My question is: am I being ridiculous.  I can take his apology but it doesn't change the way I feel. I feel after all my fighting over attention and practically begging for it, it's not worth it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I don't think you're being ridiculous. I agree that they crossed the line of appropriate behavior, and it was very disrespectful to you. Add to it that you've been having relationship problems, and it begs the question of whether you and he should be getting married.

Why are you and he together? What is great about your relationship? If he's already taking you for granted and acting like you're not a very high priority, things probably won't automatically get better after the wedding.

Don't marry someone when you have doubts. I would have serious concerns that he is ready to be married or if he really wants to be married. You two could benefit from couples counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-1997

My husband & I have been married 33 years and here's my advice on your relationship:

1.  Trust - after 8 1/2 yrs, how much do you really trust him (i.e. if you were in an accident, would he drop everything & help you?; would he take your side against others?, has he been faithful to you?, does he support your ideas?

2. Finances - Do you both agree on saving & spending.  In a marriage, there are no secrets with finances.  If you lost your job, is he able to support you?

3.  Children - have you both discussed in detail what type of parents you want to be. What's important to both of you.

4.  Future goals - have you both planned any future goals.

5.  Inlaws - how do you feel about each other's parents?  How healthy are they?  Are they financially independent (are they able to support themselves in retirement?)  In other words, you don't want the parents to be dependent on you in retirement.

There will be problems and situations throughout your marriage and life.  Expect it.  The goal is what type of person are you to overcome challenges?  The more secure you are, the easier the challenges will be.  If you're starting a marriage with issues, it will only get more complicated after the wedding.  You want to know where each partner stands before the wedding.

Hoping this helps.  P.S.  Just curious - why are you raising your brother?  What happened to your parents?  As for cleaning up the party, yes, your partner should have helped clean up.  As for the drinks, whose idea was it to order liquor?  You could have had non alcoholic drinks i.e. soda.  

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Since you have a 3 year old brother, I imagine you're young, in your early twenties, and that your bf has been your bf since you two were teens.  People go through a lot of changes from their teens to late twenties. He may have met your needs early on in the relationship, but you've matured and he hasn't. You are now at a point where you know what's important to you, and he's not filling the bill. You want someone who is faithful to you. Even if he hasn't kissed another woman or had sex with her, he has poor ethics. A man who loves his partner and values her, doesn't touch another woman's leg sexually. A person's ethics rarely change. Have yours? Probably not. You want to spend quality time with your partner. He prefers social media versus doing activities with you. 

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. For your own happiness, you need to make this decision very carefully. When you are not happy in the present with him, you should not be marrying him, expecting that he will magically change in the future into who you want him to be. He has the right to be who he is, and you have the right to say the relationship isn't working for you anymore. A smart woman uses both her brain and heart to choose a lifetime partner who meets all of her main needs. Just because you've invested 8 years into him, don't think it's been a waste of time because you have to throw in the towel. Think of it as an experience that you can remember fondly. He was your first love, but as a maturing woman, you've outgrown the relationship. You want better things for yourself--someone who is trustworthy, faithful, treats you like a priority and like the prize that you are. Don't accept anything less or you will live a life of frustration and unhappiness. If you break it off with him and eventually find the man who treats you like you should be treated, you'll wonder why you stayed so long with a man who ignores you and flirts and messes around with someone other than you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Given the other replies, I have to also speculate about your age, his age, and why you're planning to marry someone who even before the wedding, he has no time for you.......he prefers facebook to you!  Do you think that will change when you get married?  No, it will get worse!!!  You throw a big party, you invite "friends" and assuming you provide the refreshments, you're surprised when everyone gets drunk?  These are your friends, and I'm sure you've seen them drunk before! 

Your b/f and your best friend's behavior.........UNACCEPTABLE, as you say, drunk or not!  If he drinks so much that he has no control over his behavior........then he has a drinking problem.  You don't have to drink every day to be an Alcoholic.  You can drink once a year, but if you cannot control how much you drink, and cannot control your drunken behavior, then you're an Alcoholic. 

You need to think long and hard about the upcoming wedding.  You have problems now, and they will only escalate when you're married.  So what if you've been with him over 8 years?  Better to end it now than to spend another 8 years in misery.....the same misery you're in now.  People do NOT change just because they said "I Do".  They get worse.  If he would do this right in front of you, imagine what he does or will do behind your back!  You need to end this relationship, and find someone who will love you AND respect you!  This one is giving you neither.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Please don't marry this person.They both acted disrespectful towards you and it doesn't matter how much one drinks...there is no excuse for them to do that to you.It will only get worse as time goes on.You should let him go because you have not only yourself to deal with but your little brother too who is depending on you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

IMHO, there are two different things to look at here: general state of your r-ship, and this one-off 'picture' incident at the party.

How old are you?

To me, the picture's just funny. My dh and I have been together for 10 years; I could show you lots of pictures of him behaving in a fashion similar to what you've described. Meaning, very drunk at a party, and maybe fallen over somewhere with some female - known to me or not - on top of him, especially in our earlier years. This whole party incedent, as a one-off thing, is not a huge deal, imho . I'd say you should have maybe joined in the fun rather than being the sober sensible mother-hen.

The other thing is ..if you are actually (still?) compatible and happy together overall.

Could it be that what your bf is going through is the  'same old same old' phase  in your r-ship?   8.5 years is a long time. Is he just a bit bored with the routine, the bland every day life maybe,  and wants a bit of wildness, a bit of diversity, something different, something that he can do as an individual and not as part of a couple?  This could be why he'd rather be on the net/social media than do things with you, and also why he completely let go at the party.  Long term r-ships go through all kinds of phases. Also, 10-15 hours a day is  A LOT of work. Work work work work and no play. This could be part of it too. (15 hours a day?? Can I ask, what does he do??)

Then again, it could be that you and him - if, as the other poster said, you'd been together since your teens and are now in your mid 20s - have grown into two completely different people. People who are now not compatible as persons and intimate partners. I'd need a lot more background on your r-ship and issues to give you any advise on this.

Can you give us a bit more background on what's going on in your life(s) together?

I have not worded this very well, but I hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004

GASP! i would KILL somebody!!!! lol First of all your friend is a bitch. They were TOTALLY flirting and that picture is some damning proof of it.  It would be a LONG time before i spoke to my best friend again. As for him, silent treatment and if he doesn't spend his days kissing your ass, fuck him!