Feel like roommates

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Feel like roommates
5
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:34am
Hi everyone. I have been married for almost 9 years now, but I feel like my husband and I are not very close. I call our marriage roommates with benefits because that is exactly what it feels like. There is no romance between us. It's the same routine everyday with my husband, he gets up, goes to work, comes home, reads the paper, eats dinner, watches tv/plays video games, goes to bed... Occassionally when he is horny he will try for sex. That is the extent of our days. I am a stay at home mom of our 2 kids. I do all the child care and housework (granted I am the one home). He doesn't spend much quality time with the kids and rarely spends any with me. The only affection I get is when he wants sex and that isn't even affectionate. I have tried to talk to him for years about this, I've written him long letters, I've begged, pleaded, cried, asked for counceling for both of us. Nothing has changed. I recently wrote him a letter and left it in his lunchbox. When he got home he acted like he never even saw it. I asked him about it last night. I asked him if he was just going to keep ignoring our situation. His answer...there is no situation everything is fine. I told him he can't keep ignoring the problems in our marriage, it won't work this way. He said I always say he doesn't do anything about it so why change now.
I feel I should elaborate on some of the other problems in the marriage. A few years ago my husband tried to cheat on me with his brother's girlfriend/now wife. He denied it for 2 years. Finally I got him to fess up one morning. The only reason he didn't actually cheat on me is that the girlfriend rejected him. I was so upset mainly because he lied to me and his family for 2 years and then because he felt the need to find sex outside the marriage. I still have thoughts about it and it still bothers me. Especially since our marriage isn't where it should be. He has not made a point of earning my trust back.
I feel like I hit a brick wall. Everything I have tried has failed. I am at my wits end. When I try to talk to him he just sits there, sometimes staring at the tv as I talk. It is very frustrating. He will talk about anything else but not about us. Anyway thanks for listening. I just needed to say all of this to someone who will listen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:19am

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through all this.

Counseling would be a very good thing. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. It will still help greatly.

I'm guessing that this is really who he is. You can't do a single darn thing about him. You CAN change yourself and your boundaries. Make yourself who you want to be whether or not he changes too. Decide what you will and won't put up with and then stick to it. The only problem with that is, you can't change him. So if you decide you won't put up with no help around the house, he isn't magically going to start doing anything. You can hire someone to help, you can not do things too, you can leave. But you CAN'T make him change to match your boundaries.

Honestly, why would your H want to change? What is he missing? He's got a great marriage, except for you "nagging". Why would he see problems? You see problems because you aren't happy and he either just can't fathom that or really doesn't care.

But you do need to decide that you are going to be X, and that no matter what your H does, you will behave and act according to who you are, not what he does.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:49am

Welcome back,








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:50pm

I agree with the suggestion, go to counseling on your own. It will give you a safe place to sort through your emotions and help you decide how you want to proceed.

Reading material to consider as well:
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:49pm
Thanks to all of you for your advice. Except for the counceling I have already been doing what you are suggesting. I have decided to be who I want to be and not put up with the stuff I am unhappy with. I have expressed to him that if he doesn't want to do anything to fix this marriage I can't make him, but I am not going to sit around and do nothing. I have started to look into getting myself involved in activities that I would enjoy that I have always wanted to. I have also looked into counceling for myself and I will give him the option to join me. I am basically at a loss here. It's hard to realize that the man I married who used to be so different in that he was very loving, affectionate, and loved to spend time with me is so distant. He is happy and comfortable where we are and I am not. So all that is left for me to do is make myself happy I guess. As for the books that were suggested I will take a look at those, though I already have the Dr. Phil book. Thanks again for everyone's advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:40am

Browneyes, I think the others are right. Your husband has made it very clear that he intends to go on just as things are now. He doesn't want anything to change and isn't willing to do anything differently. I'm sorry about that, because it also says he's not concerned about your happiness.


I think focusing on yourself is a very good thing to do. You owe it to yourself and it will be good for you. I really urge you to see a counselor too, this will help you more than you can know, it will help you with the issues his attempted cheating have left you with (which will last a lifetime if you don't resolve them through counseling), as well as the rest of what you're dealing with. Understand that I'm not suggesting couples counseling; I doubt your husband would go anyway, I'm suggesting seeing a counselor on your own to help you deal with what's happened in the past, what's happening now and to help you find happiness and satisfaction in your life.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"