Feeling confused
Find a Conversation
Feeling confused
| Fri, 01-27-2006 - 9:16pm |
Hi everybody! Its my first time posting to this community, but I think it could be quite beneficial. I'm in a situation where I jsut don't know what to do. My name is Carolyn and I'm 23. I was with my ex boyfriend for about 4 and a half years. He was really abusive to me and he as basically dragging me along. i thought we were perfect for each other, even though I was miserable. We broke up for a trial year last May. I was so sad and thought I was in love with him. Then, I evacuated for Hurricane Katrina 8 hours away, where he was. It was then that I basically recieved a slap in the face and saw how terrible he really was to me. So, I ended things completely. I decided to move on. I came home and finally allowed myself to look at other men. I had been attracted to and interested in someone from work, but never thought anything of it because I was so obsessed with the ex. But I finally did ask him out. We hit it off immediately. I knew from the beginning about his life. Hes 10 years older than me and has a four year old son with his ex wife. She left him almost 2 years ago, the divorce was finalized about 1 year ago. The problem is I get so jealous about his son. His house was damaged, so he hasn't been able to keep his son like the custody papers are set up. So, for the past 5 months, hes been spending pretty much all of his time with me. So, now, the house is almost done and his son has been staying with him. We haven't been spending too much time jsut the 3 of us, cause he really misses his son. He wants me to move in and we've even talked about getting married. We do have a great relationship. Its jsut we're both concerned taht maybe I can't be ok with him already being married and having a child. I feel like I'm being so selfish. I'm jsut confused. I'm used to dating people who their only responsibiliies are school and part time jobs and things like that. I really do love him and want to be with him. I jsut don't know how to get over and accept this whole thing. If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears. Thanks so much for listening.
Carolyn
Carolyn

You started dating this guy after Sept/Oct of 2005 and you are already thinking of moving in and marrying him? After 4.5 years with someone you thought was absolutely perfect for you who was abusive?
My thought are that you are moving too fast and need to so slow down. And for a guy to be talking living together and marriage already, especially when he has a young son?
I think you need to take a step back.
Jen
Carolyn, I think you're moving waaaay too fast and you need to slow down and give yourself a chance to heal, to find who you are and to get to know this guy a little more before diving any further than you already have.
You're eight months out of a four and a half year long abusive relationship. You need time to heal, time to discover who you are, time to adjust yourself and readjust your thinking on many relationship issues. You would be doing yourself and your future a huge favor by seeing a therapist to work on you. You may think you're "just fine", but I promise you, no one who's been in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship for any amount of time -- let alone four years -- comes away without some damage, without some incorrect thinking, without some self esteem, self worth issues. You spent four years doing it wrong, you don't just walk away fine, the slate does not sweep clean, you need time and therapy to undo the damage and incorrect thinking you've picked up along the way.
Even if you ended a perfectly healthy four year long relationship, it's necessary and important to spend some time with yourself. Being in a relationship for any amount of time changes you and shapes you. You need time to sit with yourself, find who you are now, as a result of the relationship. You need to learn to trust you, to be independent and to be very happy and comfortable with yourself without a guy. Maybe you did some of that, but I have a feeling you didn't do much.
You're with this guy strong. Talking about moving in together, but you can't have known him or been with him more than eight months and I'm certain it's less than eight months. How long have you been together? You're talking about making this permanent when you haven't been with him long enough to know who he really is yet. You may think you know him, but until you've been with him for a year there hasn't been enough time for you to experience and witness him in action in many scenarios. You know how you think he'll act, you know what you think his belief will be, but you haven't seen it and therefore, you don't really know. Considering that until the first year is up you're both on your best behavior, not really behaving as you normally would, the truth is you have yet to see the real him. Do you have any idea how many girls whose relationships have just reached the one-year mark suddenly find the guy they're with is nothing at all like the guy they've been with up to that point? They're shocked, upset and unhappy. The fact is, the guy they've been with up to then is who the guy thought he needed to be to secure the relationship, once they feel it's secure, they relax and that's when you see who he really is.
He's got a son who shouldn't be subjected to daddy's girlfriends until it's a definite solid deal, his actions show that he's not making good decisions for his child's sake and he's not making good decisions for his own life too (he hasn't known you any longer than you've known him yet he's willing to move in).
At 23 you have many more changes coming down the road, you're not done growing and maturing yet. Not a slam, a biological fact. Jumping into this now can very easily find you absolutely miserable in a few years when you've grown and no longer want at all what this guy has to offer. Hard to imagine, I know, but believe me, it's for real.All of these issues make for one very huge red flag. Slow down, back off, see a therapist, spend at least another year dating him before deciding whether you want to move forward with a guy who's ten years older and has a child. If you're not sure you're ready to share, you're certainly not ready to be his mother -- and that's what you'll be.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"