Feeling controlled

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Feeling controlled
3
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:58pm

I have been with my fiance for almost three years. We keep having a reoccuring argument over the friends I choose to hang out with. In particular I have a single friend who drinks heavily on occasions but I am never with her on those occasions and would refuse to stick around if she decided to get drunk. My friend isn't reckless or harmful in any way, shape, or form yet her lifestyle is more alcohol oriented than that of my fiance's and mine. I occasionally go line dancing with her but never clubbing or partying. The point is, he approves of me hanging out with my friend(s) on a case-by-case basis. My question is: Is he being too overprotective? I understand his concern but I also know my own morals and principles well enough to keep myself from harm. I have my own pride, thank you. But how can I still hang out with my friends and have him stop being consumed with worry? Is this possible?

Any advice would be wonderful. I'm at my wits end :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 3:44pm

Unless he's your father, he doesn't get any say in who you get to hang out with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:16am

Kim's exactly right. It's not acceptable for anyone to even try to control who you see and who you don't. You are the only one who chooses what you want to do, who you want to see, and who your friends are. He gets to choose what he does, who his friends are, you get to choose yours. You're his partner, his equal, not a lessor person or a child that needs to be told what you can and cannot do. He may not like what you choose, but what you choose is your personality, your choice, it's a part of you, and if that's not acceptable to him, then you're not right for him. Being in a relationship with someone is not about dictating what they can and cannot do, it's about accepting their choices. If the choices aren't acceptable, then that person isn't right for you. Controlling them, telling them who they can be around, what they can and cannot do is not acceptable, not even a little bit. He may put it in the context of worry, but it's control, and it's a huge warning sign of big problems ahead. The reason you feel controlled is because you are being controlled. Are there other areas that concern or frustrate you? Does he call the shots in other areas too?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:44am

I agree with Kim and 2ndLife. He needs to chill out on this...he is not your father and you do not want to be in a relationship where he has some sort of approval power over your actions....BTW after actions you are only a stone's throw from him telling you what to think and feel (which is what highly controlling people do).

The only thing I can see is if your actions while with this friend were irresponsible or hurting the relationship, and then he should speak up. For example if you were choosing to spend lots of time with this friend over time with him, or if you were in fact drinking to excess often and staying out late and/or hanging with other guys, but according to your post none of this is the case.....it sounds like she is just a pretty normal friendship, so he needs to back off.

Here is a situation I had with my girlfriend and how we dealt with it. My girlfriend was having an occasional lunch with someone that she had a sexual past with. She said it was totally platonic at this point. I told her this made me uncomfortable, but I certainly did not tell her that she could not continue to see the person. She said she understood how it made me feel uncomfortable, and that it really was a very superficial and not really much of a friendship (there was no other contact between lunches) and she did not feel it was even worth making me feel uncomfortable. So she said she would not actively seek to continue this contact....she is not going to be rude to the person if they call or tell them she is not allowed to see them, but just the same, not be an initiator. I thanked her for her understanding and caring about my feelings, and reiterated that I trust her completely and she is still free to see the friend if she chooses. That seemed like a good compromise for both of us and neither is left feeling controlled or that the other does not care about them or trust them.

P.