Feeling disconnected from my boyfriend-long

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Feeling disconnected from my boyfriend-long
11
Thu, 02-13-2014 - 9:40pm

Hi all, 

I'm having issues with my relationship and wondering if I could get some insight. First, I will say that I'm 40 and my boyfriend is 45 so we're not a young couple. We've been together for 2 years. I'm not sure where to start so I will just start from the issue at hand right now. 

About 2 weeks ago we had an argument. I brought up to him that I was feeling a little hurt by the fact that he no longer puts much effort into making me feel special and loved. We live 45 minutes apart and we used to see eachother 3 times a week. It had turned into once a week and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. There really has been a lot of little things that have made me feel our relationship isn't important to him that trickled into this big issue. When I brought it to his attention he got really defensive and started telling me all the things he felt I have done wrong in the relationship. I really thought he was throwing things out of left field and in turn it made me defensive, and so the vicious cycle began. He quit talking to me that night and woudn't talk to me for 8 days.  I sent him texts, and letters, and voicemails and he wouldn't reply. FInally, on the 8th day I texted him and told him if he didn't call me to talk by the end of the night that I had no choice but to end things, that this wasn't a relationship anymore anyway. He called, finally. 

We had a really good talk. We got everything out, good, bad, and ugly, and talked about what we each needed from eachother and in the relationship. That we love eachother and want to see if we can work this out. We both agreed we felt better after talking it out and then made plans to see eachother again. I've now seen him 3 times since that talk and I honestly am having major anxiety about the state of our relationship. Everything seems forced and awkward right now. And if I'm being honest, I really thought after a near break up, that I would see a little more passion from him, like he would step it up a bit. I've yet to see any change in him or his actions to make me feel any more loved and special. It seems that this whole issue has forced us backwards rather than forward. I don't know what to do, if I should give it more time, if I should bring it up to him AGAIN, or what. I'm really trying to be upbeat and happy but it's so hard when I'm really not. I just wish he had a little more fight in him for "us". I'm feeling very insecure, anxious and confused right now. 

Another thing that has me anxiety ridden... This is probably very wrong on my part and I have no excuse other than just plain anxiety and  curiosity.... When he was in the shower this morning, I snooped in his phone. This is the first time in 2 years that I ever had the urge to do this. I found a text to his best friend's wife (they live in another state and I've only met them a few times. I do like them a lot though) Anyway, the texts back and forth said from him : "I was wrong, she's just "A" girl. Not THE girl. " and she asked back how he felt about that and he said back " I feel better without her than with her."  I'm heartbroken over this and of course I can't ask him about it since I was snooping. He said it on the day of the big fight and now I'm left wondering if he really feels that way or if he said it in anger. UGH!  

Anyone have any words of wisdom for me???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 02-13-2014 - 11:29pm

Your first mistake was haunting him for 8 days......when he stopped talking to you.......that should have been IT!  If you'd just left him alone, you wouldn't be questioning the relationship now.  He would have come back on his own, or not.  If not, then you know where you stand.  Now, you don't know if he's back because he wants to be, or because you harassed him into it.  And now that you've taken it to another lower level, you saw something on his phone that wasn't meant for your eyes.......but now you've seen it, and I think your relationship is over.  He was talking to a female friend to get her take on the situation, and he told her you're not THE girl.......so now he's just hanging around, and there will be another fight/breakup......and you need to walk away and stay away.  You know the old saying:  If you love someone, let them go.  If they love you, they will be back.  If they don't come back.......there's your answer. 

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 2:45am

It's over.  Good relationships evolve.  They become stronger, more confidant, move toward a goal.  Your's has DEvolved.  It's been dying for a while, and you have been in denial.  Time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 11:02am

I don't know how you could go on after seeing that message on his phone--wouldn't it keep haunting you?  I think he said it to you in anger, but sometimes when we are angry we say things that are true that we wouldn't dare say if we were not angry because they are hurtful.  But when he was texting his friend's wife, he wasn't angry, so I think it's the truth.  I think after 2 yrs, your relationship should be getting closer, not moving farther away--it seems strange that he would go from seeing you 3x a week to once a week if he really cared about you (unless there were some extenuating circumstances that you didn't mention), so it seems like you are a placeholder--someone to do things with once in a while until someone he likes better comes along.  I had this BF in my 20's who I really thought I might marry--we lived an hour apart and we really only saw each other on weekends because I was in law school but after a year or so, he said he wanted to see other people too and then he said that he only wanted to see me "once in a while."  Well he didn't have the nerve to break up so I did--I didn't want to be hanging around hoping he would call and just getting sad.  I compare that to when I was dating my 2nd DH--and mind you, we lived 45 mins. away plus we both had kids--he had his DD almost all the time since he was a widower and I had to work around the EO weekend visits w/ their dad.  So first it was every Thurs (when his DD wasn't home), then I started going over his house for dinner on Tues, plus staying with him on the weekend when my kids were at their dad's and then he & his DD even stayed at my house on the opposite weekends--I even made up a bedroom for her--so as the time passed, we saw each other as much as we could, not less.  I think you see the writing on the wall unfortunately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 12:11pm

Thank you all for the guidance and advice. I needed to hear it. I stil am not sure I'm ready to end the relationship right this second but your words and thoughts give me something to think about. Of course, the weird thing now is that he's being all lovey dovey today. I'd like to think that he's getting back to our normal relationship, but alas, it is Valentine's Day and I don't know if he's doing it for that reason or not. He sent flowers to work with a card that said " Happy Valentine's Day, honey, Thanks for weathering the storm and being patient with me. I love you."  Of course I analyze every word. And he's taking me out for a surprise date tomorrow. UGH! It would be easier if it weren't a holiday. 

On another note, this was our very first big "fight" in our 2 year relationship so I just don't know how we're supposed to be acting right now. I am going to spend the next couple weeks with eyes wide open. If 'm still anxious and we;re still awkward and distant, I'll know what I have to do, because I can't feel like this much longer. I appreciate your advice on this issue. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 2:21pm

Hi Pal, late to the party but wanted to chime in.  

Boy, this would be easier if he was being a jerk today, correct?

Only you know when that clarity comes.   I understand not running out and breaking up after reading our posts.  I do think though that you two are probably at a cross roads right now and this was either a spring board to better things or it is going to fizzle out and die.  One or the other.  You can't stay in limbo forever without some kind of growth.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 4:12am

Pal1214-

It sounds like the two of you didn't had good communication during your time together, so things eroded between you and him. It's good you finally talked things out and he's making a real effort now.  After being on the brink, it's natural things will feel awkward now.  I'd give more than 2 weeks to see if you're back on track. I'd give 2 months or so.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 2:34pm

Thanks again for the thoughtful words and advice. You are right about our crappy communication skills. We communicate fine about everything we agree on. It's when there's something we disagree about that we can't seem to come together. That was one of the things we discussed when we finally talked things out. I hope we're on our way to working on that issue. I think it will take time. 

On another note, we had a great Valentine's date and night. Things felt like old times before the big fight. I hope it stays this way but I still have a hard time trusting that it will. I guess time will tell. Thanks again for all your words!!

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 11:29pm

Well I was going to tell you that the good news is you don't have to end the relationship right away, there's no reason you can't ride it out for a while and let your feelings wane to the point that you're ready to let it go.  But, your last response sounded like you're thinking the relationship might be something that can continue after all.  Is that right?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:26am

  Reading your post says that there is a lot here.  You mentioned passion what do you mean/(the word has different connotations for people).  45 minutes apart can be tiring.  Was there any tlk about moving? 

  You snooped that never ends well. 

  To me the questions:  are you good friends?  what are the exact behaviors that are missing?   What are the expectations?  many peple have unspoken expectations.  Because people come with baggage they have a set of how it is supposed to be.  What is missing?

 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 02-20-2014 - 7:48am

'We communicate fine about everything we agree on. It's when there's something we disagree about that we can't seem to come together'

Well, most people do - communicate well about things they agree on, that's not difficult. A test for a couple's communication is when they strongly disagree on an issue and have to come to a resolution favourable to both.... What's his way of handling disagreements? What kind of disagreements are we talking about here? Books/movies or serious life issues concerning you as a couple?

I'm not going to tell you to drop him and walk away because I know it's not as easy as this at our age (I'm 43). I just get this feeling that you're waaaay more into him than he is into you. Everything you've written (specifically the text re: 'a girl but not the girl') sadly tells me this won't last. What's the situation like  now?

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