feeling left out

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
feeling left out
6
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:31am

my boyfriend is super. We have an incredible relationship and things are moving forward at such a natural pace. We've been dating for a year and a half. Something I want some input on, though - on how I can communicate my feelings to him about something without putting him on the defensive or upsetting up, just letting him know how I feel.

His firm is about to settle a huge case (will happen today). As a celebration, I was told that he and his boss were going to go to a VERY nice place and have dinner. No problem, great! Go have fun!! Due to a past hardship with their old firm, that they both made it through, it was to be kind of an in-your-face celebration to the naysayers. However, I was told yesterday that it's not really a dinner between them, now all these other people are going along to celebrate. Not just people with the firm, either. Now, I'm starting to feel left out. And like he didn't tell me the whole story.

I am not a jealous person. I am not controlling. We both do our own things all the time - he went out for a dinner last night and I had a girls night out, for instance. I don't have insecurity or trust issues with him - none whatsoever. This is just a simple feeling of being a bit bummed out that I wasn't included in something, especially something this big. (and something he said that would lead to his new firm becoming very established - one of the things we said we'd wait for before going forward with engagement).

My question. I am at this point not interested in going, even if he calls later and says "hey come after all" (this has happened before in this scenario) - I've already scheduled a night out shopping and dinner with a girlfriend. But how can I relate to him that I felt left out of this huge turning point in his career, without making him feel defensive? i.e. what can I say, in a positive manner (not moping or acting upset), to tell him my true feelings??

I thank you all in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:51am

You keep saying no jealousy, insecurity, or trust issues and that everything is wonderful yet you feel compelled to make this an issue, even though you have decided you won't go anyways if he asks (which sounds a bit petty and punitive). Sounds to me like you MAY have some of those issues, but I will take you at your word.

I would say just let it go if everything else is so wonderful in the relationship.... could easily be a miss communication/understanding and or timing issue on his part on who was supposed to come etc. In other words give him the benefit of the doubt and don't assume there is a bad reason you were not invited. If you really want to be invited to the next one you can just be really interested in it after the fact and really excited for him and then make the point that you are sorry you were not there and hope in the future you get to go with him and share this success and good time. This makes the same point to him, without it being "why wasn't I invited" which will create immediate defensiveness.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:59am

Thank you. I don't want to be negative or ask "why wasn't I invited". I do feel like I'm missing out on the celebration of something that actually has a HUGE impact on our relationship. Your mention of just saying that I hope I can share in his success in the future is well taken - I like the positive spin.

I'm not intending on being punitive - when there was no mention of me joining in the festivities, I made my own plans. I'm not going to break them with my girlfriend if he decides he wants me there at this point. And, I've already decided I'm going to pick up some congratulatory roses and have them waiting when he does get home later tonight.

Thanks for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:09am

Good for you making your own plans (but not as punishment), even better letting it still be about his success without it being about you (the roses are a very nice gesture), and lastly adopting the positive spin approach. These are very healthy relationship markers.

Would be curious his reaction after the fact if you can update us.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:21am
I will update! Thanks again for that positive way to convey my feelings...that is exactly what I was looking for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:01pm

I'm glad orangecuse's advice was helpful, you sound like you feel much better about it now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:51am
Ksgirl, I don't think I'll be at all helpful to you because I don't really have an answer, but I do think I understand how you're feeling and what it is you want to accomplish. I totally get that you feel like he should want you to be a part of this special, victorious night for him, and it isn't as much of you wanting him to change that as it is you want to know why he's decided not to invite you. I don't know that there's a way to relay that to him. I think asking him before hand will have him inviting you, and you don't want that; asking him later would make you wonder if on subsequent events you're invited because he really wants you there or because he feels he needs to invite you. If you could just peer into that brain sometimes....!


I don't know who else is invited other than co-workers, so I may be completely off base, but just in typing what I have so far I've put myself in his position and I can see where I wouldn't have wanted to invite my guy on a night like that either. During that celebration, I'd be wanting to focus on the event, my co-workers and others who were involved, my husband would be totally out of place and I'd feel the need to keep him included, drawn in, when really, that's not what the night was about. Having him there would take away the pleasure of the celebration for me.


Once a year my work goes on a 3-day "annual training". All the offices state-wide go to a resort and hear some light lectures during the day, the evenings are whatever you want to do. "Annual training" is the excuse, the reason for the trip is really to strengthen bonds between co-workers; some of these people you may talk to via phone a few times a year, otherwise, Annual Training is the only time you get to see them. I'll be blunt. Evenings are largely spent partying big time. Occasionally someone will bring their spouse (at their expense), but when they do, they're not involved in the partying, because their spouse really has no place there. Not that they wouldn't be welcomed, but they'd be in a mix of a group in which they know no one except their spouse. Since that's not all that comfortable, and since bringing your spouse means you're pretty much going to focus on them and not your co-workers, you just don't see them in the mix of things. I've thought about bringing my husband, but I know he wouldn't be comfortable, and, selfishly, I wouldn't want to miss out on the once-a-year fun. I think maybe your guy's dinner is something like that.


Good for you for making your own plans and not making a fuss about this. And good for you for already having decided that even if he does ask you last minute you don't want to go. I think if I were you I'd just figure this in this kind of event he wants to focus on "players" in the event and leave it at that.








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