Feeling like a loser....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Feeling like a loser....
9
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:24pm
Hi, I'm new and looking for some advice.....I am a SAHM, we have 2 kids a teen girl and a 1st grade boy. Dh has been working on starting his own business. He still works full time. Last night we we talking about this business thing that he is pursuing. He finds a web site about real estate mentors. They had this "questionaire" to get into the program: basic questions...age, income, education, hobbies, etc. Dh wants me to fill it out thinks maybe real estate might be something for me to pursue for myslef. Well, I get to the income part and dh pipes in with "How sad that you can't answer that.",
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 2:49pm

No, you're not being a baby! As a SAHM for the last 9 years, I'd be mad as a cut snake if my DH said that to me. Not speaking to him is probably only going to make matters worse...but what do you say to a man who gloats about making you feel bad?

Ivmom, I had a quick search for some previous posts of yours to try and give some background to his behaviour and your relationship. But I couldn't find anything. CL2nd life may come good with some links to previous posts (if any exist).

The reason I'm searching is because I suspect that this outburst of his is not an isolated incident. An all round nice guy just wouldn't be so nasty. Not only that, but I'm worried about you feeling like a looser. Do you mind if I ask what your marriage is like in general? Perhaps this shouldn't be addressed as an isolated incident.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:42pm

Hi, thanks for your reply. Honestly, our marriage has always been a good one. We have been together 22 yrs. No major issues. My dh did almost die 2 x in the last 3 yrs. One form

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 5:28pm

Oooooooooo, yeah, I have to 2nd Aisha on how I would respond. I've been a SAHM for the last 9 years too (and I have zillions of years left to go). If my DH said that I think I would permanently alter his mental status.

You in no way should feel like a loser. (I know that is easier said than done with the way that society can portray SAHMs.) I KNOW that there is NO WAY my DH could ever be the SAHP and do what I do. Not that I do oodles, he just could not handle the kids day in and day out like I do. (FWIW, my H read your post and said that your H needs to understand that HE's the one getting the free ride...)

All I have to say is that your H could lose his job tomorrow and he would be missed very, very briefly. The impact of him in his job and then leaving it would be teeny-tiny in the grand scheme of things. The same CANNOT be said for what you have been doing. While we don't get paid and don't have a "scale" to show us our improvements over time, etc etc, what we do makes the biggest impact on the future.

(((Hugs))) to you.

And good luck on telling your H that what he said has really hurt you deeply and isn't something that you are going to just get over instantly now that he's apologized.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:57pm

Welcome to the board, Ivmomx2, sorry I'm getting here so late. Off the top, I can't think of any previous posts that would be helpful to you, but if I think of any, I'll search 'em out and post them for you.


I'm a working mom, but I was a SAHM for eight years myself, and I have to say, if my ex-husband had said what yours said to you I'd be a widow instead of divorced. I got angry just reading your post, I can only imagine what my temperature would be if I was you! I understand you feeling "like a baby" for not being willing to talk about it right away, but I also think you feeling like that is largely due to the way your husband reacted to your response to his remarks. From what you said, his demeanor suggested you were silly and overreacting. Regardless, holding off talking about it until the kids weren't around and you were collected and able to talk reasonably is the best way to handle it(it would take me a while -- not sure I'd really be able to talk about it any time without getting a little heated actually), so you did the right thing.


I'm glad he apologized and I'm glad this is the first suggestion that you're a subordinate, less than equal or someone getting an easy ride, but I think the statements he made warrant a much deeper discussion. Like you said, you're not so sure you buy it and I don't blame you, he made a lot of pretty demeaning statements, to me, that would indicate a mindset rather than just a bad choice of words or a bad mood. I'd need to have an in depth discussion and I'd have to hear exactly what he thinks followed by him hearing exactly what I think (dangerous!).


One more thing I truly think you should do -- no talking about it, honestly do it -- you need to go away for several days, and not on a weekend. Go visit an out of town friend, your parents or someone. Do nothing for him ahead of time, no meals, no catching up on the laundry, no stocked fridge. Let him handle everything so he can see how much of a free ride you're getting. Yes, I know he works too, but if you have it so easy, working and taking care of kids and home should be a piece of cake, right? I'm serious here. Leave him to take care of everything and let him find out exactly what it is you really do. If the house is less than it should be when you get back, insist on knowing what the heck the problem is. There's nothing like a taste of what your life is like to give him a huge amount of respect for what it is you do.


Personal experience here:

When my kids were somewhere around the ages of 5 and 1 1/2 I had to have some minor leg surgery that entailed my having to stay flat on my back, leg above my heart for three days. My husband took time off work to take care of things during that time. I should also Within hours of dealing with the house and kids he was frazzled. He was clearly having trouble trying to get things done while taking care of the kids (who always needed something) at the sam time. He even remarked that he was stunned at the fact that not only could he not finish a task without interruption, he honestly couldn't even finish a thought! He was emotionally exhausted and frustrated. By the end of the first day he had come to me specifically to tell me, "I don't know how you do this every day." By the second day, I was throwing the exact same comments that had become typical of him back his way. "The living room is a mess, what did you do all day?", "What do you mean you don't know what's for dinner?" He got it. After three days he was more than happy to go back to his paying job and escape the incredibly difficult job of staying home. He gained understanding of how much I actually did and as a result, I gained his respect. Nt only will you leaving for a while be a good reminder for him, but it will also be good for your kids. Time with dad on their own is important and valuable. This is one of those acts that lets everybody win, he gets a reality check and a good perspective, the kids get time with dad at the helm, and you get some much deserved time off!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:37am

Oh man, I am not a SAHM (I'm DivNK) and even I got mad for you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 2:22pm
Oh my gosh!!! I do not understand where men get off saying this kind of bull crap. Being a stay at home mom has got to be one of the toughest jobs out there. I commend you. I have 3 kids, ages 19 mos, 3years and 8 years. I did stay at home for about a year w/ this first but couldnt do any longer. Not to mention that you do keep up with the house and bills and everything else. I would love to see him in your shoes for a month. He will get a little taste of what a tough job you have. Does he not realize that you are the one thats making sure the elec bill gets paid or the one that makes clean clothes happen???? Sorry but just thought that was very disrespectful for him to make those comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 2:41pm

WOW...big hugs to you and I think your DH was just being mean...really and that is unacceptable.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:22pm
Di, I have to know: what did he say when you asked him what he had been doing all day?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 11:15pm

Geo,


You would have to know this man but needless to say he found a way to blame me for why he was unable to manage them.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***