Feeling lost and alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Feeling lost and alone
15
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:43pm
I'm not sure I'm in the right board, and I don't know how to make this a short story.
But this is the only place where I'm ready to "talk" about what's happening.
It's been 12 years since I met my husband. We got married 7 years ago and we have two kids(5 and 2 yo).
We met at college. He was devoted to me, we spent most of the days and nights together and I trusted him completly.
We had problems but being young and inexperienced I didn't spot the signs. He lied to me. Small things. Since I'm always trying to be "perfect" in what I do, I thought I was putting too much pressure on him, so I forgave him and in my heart I took part of the blame. He was physically abusive 2 or 3 times. I forgave him that because I responded to that doing exactly the same.
We got married and I believe we were happy for a couple of years. I got pregnant. Sex got less and less frequent. He became distant and cold. I got much worse after the baby was born because he wasn't ready to give up his youth just yet. When I tryed to talk he would be verbally abusive and would only say I was a pain in the ***. I got suspicious and ended up finding he had a special interest in one of the assistants at his company.
Not being perfect I found a way to blame myself for negleting the marriage...
We ended up "fixing" that and had child number 2. I'm still breastfeeding and although he's supportive about breastfeeding, he complains about our sex life, since I'm tired most of the time and not as careless about noises and such as when it was just the two of us.
He's a good father. He takes care of the kids almost as much as I do. He cleans the house as much as I do and mostly we do what I want.
I recently found out that he's been lying constantly to me. Small things, big things...
But the last few weeks have been too much for me.
We had to do blood tests for the life insurance and when we got out of the laboratory he told me something about being worried with the results. Aids and hepatitis? I froze and said nothing because the kids were also in the car. He had no logical explanation for that so he made Me look like a fool and ridicularized what I was saying.
I was mad and told him I didn't want to be married to him and wanted him to leave. Two days later he was taking a walk at night with a woman he met on the internet. I found her number on his cell phone and he admited it.
He apologised and said all the right "lines". Just looking for friendship, etc. I told him I would listen to what he had to say but wouldn't believe in him just yet. A week later I found he spent all morning watching pornography on his computer and had a profile in an adult friend finder (or whatever it's called) looking for 1 or 2 women. He did this before our "talk" so he lied when he was apologising.
I confronted him and he said he did it because he was mad at me and frustrated for not getting what he wanted (- sex -) and because we only fight and have no intimacy, etc, etc. he told me that since I was his first and only sexual experience he was curious about other women. Mad! Mad! Oh how mad was I! But still I wanted to find a way to forgive him.
I thought about couples conseling or something that would help him stop lying. I told him that. He said there were no more lyes, but I knew it wasn't true. I gave him until the end of the day to tell me everything or I would tell my family about our break up (and he knows that after that I won't turn back)
I got an email with 4 items.
First the assistant. Nothing physical. Lunches and msn talk. Very much emotionally involved and said he probably would have had sex with her if she had been available for it.
Second, trying to get women on the internet. Nothing came out of that.
Third, meeting that woman in person. Just a coffee and talk.
Fourth, 5 years ago, after a company party where he went alone and got very much drunk he payed a prostitute to do him oral sex.
I don't know what to feel. He regrets his mistakes, but it's not the first time (and lying). Are all men like this? I don't know why I'm writing this....
Forgive my spelling mistakes and thanks if you made it this far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 7:04pm

A person is not usually concerned about b/w results showing possible HIV from one blowjob 5 years ago. Or hepatitis either. There is more he isn't telling you.

I would venture to say your H is a sex addict.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. It is NOT your fault. It has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage. It's all about him. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. IT IS NOT YOU. At all. As someone I know says, You're a beautiful lady.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:04am

Well, you are certainely very far from the first woman in this world to make a poor decision in marriage due to being young and inexperienced, not that it keeps your situation from being any less tough. To answer your question, are all men like this? No, I definitely know men who really do value integrity and honesty in a relationship. There are many who don't, but there are also many who do.

A couple of things worry me about your current situation though. The first is that this really doesn't seem to be a one time thing with him, but a regular habit of his. The second is that his only reason for coming clean with everything right now (if he is telling the whole truth) was so that you wouldn't leave him, not because he sees that honesty is truly important in a relationship. If there's any hope for your situation to improve, he will first have to truly want to change from here on out, not just be going through the motions of what he has to do to keep you from leaving.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you with whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:41am
Given all the lying over so many years....he's pathological, I don't know why you even bother asking him stuff like that. There is no way you are getting the truth --- 0% probability. I don't know how you will ever be able to see this guys lips part and know whether what comes out is the truth or a lie. Get yourself tested for STD's and start protecting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally and your children. If a guy lies constantly and cheats but happens to help with the kids and the housework it is an easy call in my book. This smacks of a master manipulator.....telling you exactly what he thinks you will believe and accept without kicking him to the curb. You should discuss this with your family.....see what they say about all this. This is not a guy that had one weak moment and made a mistake......I'll say it again his behaviors are pathological. Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:55am

Don't apologize for the length of your post, certainly not now, it wasn't too long, but beyond that, not ever. It takes as much as it takes to tell what needs to be told. And when it doesn't it's good to vent and get out all your feeling. It's never too long, okay?


I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you have a good grasp on the reality of the situation. You realize that he is doing what he's always done -- lying. He proved he was a liar before you married, it still is, and always will be, a part of who he is. Whatever he tells you, you can expect you haven't heard the truth. You also realize that you've tried to blamed yourself for things that aren't your fault and ignored things that shouldn't have been ignored. I agree with Jen, talk and a blow job does not make one worry about hepatitis and HIV, but I think you know that too. I suspect that where you are is in a place where the information you have is more than you want, and now that you have it you have to do something; you know what you should do, but you're not ready to do it.


"Just" looking for a friend is not okay, it is wrong, it is infidelity and betrayal. Physical abuse is not acceptable, hitting back doesn't make you "just as guilty" or "just as much to blame". Verbal abuse is not acceptable either. You talk like the physical and verbal abuse was long ago and one-time incidents, but I suspect it's more than that. Am I right? I'm trying to get a feel for just how recent this blow is for you, did you get the email today?


In some respects he may be a great father, but he is also doing incredible damage to your children. Growing up with a cheater and a liar teaches girls that men lie and cheat and that's okay, it's to be expected, it's what women accept in their men. They'll look for men who'll treat them just like daddy treated mommy. Boys growing up believing dad is the example they should follow, they'll behave like he does and will treat their wives like he treats you. If your marriage is cold and unhappy, that's what a "normal" marriage is to them, it's the way they'll learn to be in relationships. Children learn what they live. Believe it. I say all this because I hear you telling yourself that leaving would be wrong since he's such a great dad. I hear you thinking you should sacrifice your happiness and self respect for the sake of your children. You need to hear that this is not doing your children any good, not at all. I know you're still letting all that's happened over the last few weeks sink in, I think this needs to be a part of that.


I doubt that he regrets his mistakes; rather, he regrets having to disclose any of it. He's a serial cheater, that, you know. You also know it will happen again. You need to hear that this isn't your fault, his reasons are excuses and the excuses are how he justifies what he's done while putting the blame squarely on you. You are not to blame, he is to blame. You cannot make him cheat, only he can do that. You can't make him stop either. I'm really sorry for what you're dealing with. Please keep talking, it'll be good for you, and it'll help. Please let us know how you're doing, what you're thinking. We care.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:06am
Thank you so much.
I know I shouldn't but I feel ashamed talking about this even with my sister (my best friend in the world) because I was with him all these years and even now I feel like a rabbit facing car lights. Feeling your support was... precious.
I guess I was shocked to see how you could see the things I didn't for so much time just by reading my post. All that you've said should have been obvious to me. Maybe it was, maybe I'm just to close to see or it is just to much for me to digest. You were right about things I didn't even though about (like the sex addiction - again obvious after I read the signs). I cryed for the first time in a long time reading your posts because I didn't feel so alone and finally allowed myself to be "weak" and let it all out.
No, he's not physically abusive, although he is emotionally abusive many times when we have an argument or when he want's to cover up a lie.
He says he regrets what he's done, but there's no way I can find the strength to believe in him (but stupid as it is, I very much wanted to). He never thought he might have an addiction to anything until I told him a few days ago not to use the internet for a week just to see how he felt. He was shocked to realise how difficult it was.
I feel I need help to deal with this, but I'm not ready to go to some therapist out of the yellow pages so you're all I have now and I feel lucky to have you.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:44am

>>there's no way I can find the strength to believe in him (but stupid as it is, I very much wanted to).<<

It's not stupid, it's totally and completely a normal and rational behavior of someone who loves someone else.

If you have the emotional reserves and want some "fun, light" reading (and I say that with complete and total sarcasm), try http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psfamporn&msg=5083.1&ctx=0 to start with. I copied it from another board I visit and posted it here on the Families Damaged by Pornography board. It's about a sex addict.

Oh, and the lying bit, they call it "gaslighting". Loads of fun, isn't it?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 2:55am

It's perfectly understandable that you didn't see what was there, though I think for the most part, you really did see, it's just that you were so busy focusing on the problems of each day that you didn't have time to pull back and take a look at it all; things look much different one day at a time than they do when you look at all the days together. My ex-husband was an alcoholic as well as verbally and emotionally abusive, I'm an expert at focusing on each day and not looking at them all together, I did it for 17 years. It's incredible to me that I spent that much time in an unhappy situation, but I did it one day at a time, not looking back or forward. Lots of lost time, for sure.


I'm hesitant to call your husband a sex addict without more information and indicators; he could be a serial cheater without an addiction. Here are some articles that will help you determine whether your husband is a sex addict:
What Is a Sexual Addiction?
Six Kinds of Sex Addicts >
Is My Partner a Sex Addict?
Are You a Sex Addict?
Options of the Partner of a Sex Addict


If you feel sex addiction is a possibility, check in with the Families Damaged by Pornography








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 2:59am

Jen, I found your post on the Families Damaged by Pornography board yesterday and I loved it, I think it's really good and very true.


BTW, the "gaslighting" term is used in many addictions, probably all of them, as all addiction behavior is the same no matter what the addiction is.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:46am
I'm not sure what's wrong with H, but I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that it's not my job to find out. I know he has some kind of addictive behaviour. When I told you that he couldn't be one day without internet, it's not because he misses pornography (I bet he does too) but doing *anything* there. The lying/cheating and the verbal/emotional abuse are just too obviously wrong.
I wont lie saying I don't care what he does. I do care, I want to help. Why? Well, I guess it's the only life I know and it's hard to give up if I think I can fix it.
Is there something wrong with *me* for feeling like I do? For trying so much, so many times? Maybe I'm too dependent? I think I also need help, but I don't know where to look (apart from here).
My family is not a big help on this. Not that they don't love me or don't care, but being a sensitive situation (and not understanding the pattern of H's behavior) they tend not to give advice. My mother thinks divorce is the closest thing to a disease. My sister wont say anything, just silence on the phone. She doesn't want to hurt me, I guess... or giving advice that will help end up a relationship she knows I don't want to end. So her advice is always that we should "talk". You know that wont help me. So...
I just can't decide what to do... I don't want to spend all day thinking about this, but I don't want to pretend it's not happening either.
I will take one day at a time. I guess it's better not to do anything for a while than going back to what we had before.
Thanks for being there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 11:41pm
I have read your post and everyone's reply and you are very blessed to have this outlet for your feelings and thoughts to be heard by kind, caring people. When I was with my ex-husband- who was a drug addict that liked to physically abuse me on a weekly basis, I was exactly where you are at. I had two children to think about, and as time went by I began to really explore my options especially when it came to my children's future. I didn't have a supportive family either. I was on my own. There were no shelter's, or places for women to go to and the police would laugh at you when you wanted your spouse arrested. Thank God times have changed. I became a working mother and left him. I never regretted it! That was 27 years ago. In the last year, I have been diagnosed with a physical disability and that it stems from the physical abuse ... Talk about a rude awakening. I try to help others in the same situation. May the Lord help you and guide you. I am confident that you will do the right thing.

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