Feeling lost and alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Feeling lost and alone
15
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:43pm
I'm not sure I'm in the right board, and I don't know how to make this a short story.
But this is the only place where I'm ready to "talk" about what's happening.
It's been 12 years since I met my husband. We got married 7 years ago and we have two kids(5 and 2 yo).
We met at college. He was devoted to me, we spent most of the days and nights together and I trusted him completly.
We had problems but being young and inexperienced I didn't spot the signs. He lied to me. Small things. Since I'm always trying to be "perfect" in what I do, I thought I was putting too much pressure on him, so I forgave him and in my heart I took part of the blame. He was physically abusive 2 or 3 times. I forgave him that because I responded to that doing exactly the same.
We got married and I believe we were happy for a couple of years. I got pregnant. Sex got less and less frequent. He became distant and cold. I got much worse after the baby was born because he wasn't ready to give up his youth just yet. When I tryed to talk he would be verbally abusive and would only say I was a pain in the ***. I got suspicious and ended up finding he had a special interest in one of the assistants at his company.
Not being perfect I found a way to blame myself for negleting the marriage...
We ended up "fixing" that and had child number 2. I'm still breastfeeding and although he's supportive about breastfeeding, he complains about our sex life, since I'm tired most of the time and not as careless about noises and such as when it was just the two of us.
He's a good father. He takes care of the kids almost as much as I do. He cleans the house as much as I do and mostly we do what I want.
I recently found out that he's been lying constantly to me. Small things, big things...
But the last few weeks have been too much for me.
We had to do blood tests for the life insurance and when we got out of the laboratory he told me something about being worried with the results. Aids and hepatitis? I froze and said nothing because the kids were also in the car. He had no logical explanation for that so he made Me look like a fool and ridicularized what I was saying.
I was mad and told him I didn't want to be married to him and wanted him to leave. Two days later he was taking a walk at night with a woman he met on the internet. I found her number on his cell phone and he admited it.
He apologised and said all the right "lines". Just looking for friendship, etc. I told him I would listen to what he had to say but wouldn't believe in him just yet. A week later I found he spent all morning watching pornography on his computer and had a profile in an adult friend finder (or whatever it's called) looking for 1 or 2 women. He did this before our "talk" so he lied when he was apologising.
I confronted him and he said he did it because he was mad at me and frustrated for not getting what he wanted (- sex -) and because we only fight and have no intimacy, etc, etc. he told me that since I was his first and only sexual experience he was curious about other women. Mad! Mad! Oh how mad was I! But still I wanted to find a way to forgive him.
I thought about couples conseling or something that would help him stop lying. I told him that. He said there were no more lyes, but I knew it wasn't true. I gave him until the end of the day to tell me everything or I would tell my family about our break up (and he knows that after that I won't turn back)
I got an email with 4 items.
First the assistant. Nothing physical. Lunches and msn talk. Very much emotionally involved and said he probably would have had sex with her if she had been available for it.
Second, trying to get women on the internet. Nothing came out of that.
Third, meeting that woman in person. Just a coffee and talk.
Fourth, 5 years ago, after a company party where he went alone and got very much drunk he payed a prostitute to do him oral sex.
I don't know what to feel. He regrets his mistakes, but it's not the first time (and lying). Are all men like this? I don't know why I'm writing this....
Forgive my spelling mistakes and thanks if you made it this far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:13am

You're right, it's not your job to figure out what his problem is, but he certainly knows what his preference is, what he's drawn to, what he keeps doing. Is it porn? Is it sex? Is it seeing other women? Is someone who feels entitled to seeing women on the side an addict? I'm no expert, but I don't think so, not unless they know they shouldn't and can't stop themselves. That would be a sex addict, and sex addicts don't go out looking for a girlfriend to date for weeks, months, etc., they go out looking for sex. What kind of therapy is he planning to get? What actions is he taking to get the therapy? I think I'd be amiss to not say that here I am on the internet, night after night, usually after my husband's gone to bed. I'm not trying to deny my own "addiction", but I don't think the fact that he has trouble staying away from the computer for a day makes the problem in your marriage addiction based. I agree that lying/cheating and verbal/emotional abuse are wrong, I'm not trying to deny or minimize that in any way, but lying, cheating and abuse aren't addiction problems. They're very serious, and aren't likely to be resolved, but they're not addiction.


If you read my response to your previous post, you know there's nothing "wrong" with you for wanting to fix it, it's a typical and understandable response. Nobody wants to be in this kind of situation, nobody. We want to be in happy, healthy relationships. But what you have to realize is that you can't fix it, there's nothing at all you can do; it's not your problem, there's nothing you can do to fix it. Shoot, if you had any control over it, this would have stopped years ago! The only "wrong" is that you have to come to a place where you realize you can't fix it, can't affect it at all.


Seeing a therapist would be really good for you. I would suggest calling a therapist who is accredited in abuse, explain what's going on in your marriage and ask if s/he is an appropriate place for you to start or if s/he would suggest another type of therapist.


I do know how you feel right now, I know how it is to want so badly for things to be good, and have no power to make it happen. I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive of you, somehow, it makes you feel like you're making too much of your problems, like they're not *that* bad, when you know full well that they're very, very bad.


Taking it one day at a time is all any of us can do, right now you're still swimming in all of it, it's pretty new. It'll take a while to sink in. What's he doing day by day? Is he dealing with it and working on it or is he pretending it doesn't exist? his actions are key.


Keep talking to us, we're here.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:17am

Rhianna2003 ~ Wow! It's been years since you've been here! Nice to see you back!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 4:07am
Hi,
my H is making this very hard for me. I know I can't trust him, yet he's doing everything he should do.
He's respecting my boundaries, we talked about this like we were friends. He said that putting all those things on the email he sent me was an eye opener to him too.
He has an appointment in a psiq. clinic next week. He had to make an evaluation to be directed to one of the doctors and it was very humiliating for him. He's doing some kind of psicanalisys.
Things are not as simple as labeling H as a ___ addict. He has a series of personality problems, and I have no clue if they are related or not. He has trouble showing he's feeling especially when he's hurting, he has a violence problem, he has a huge problem with lying and I'm not sure about the porn/cheating because there's no way I can get inside he's head.
I guess the difference between H and you when it comes to computers is that he can't stop himself even if he's trying and it's also a tool to everything else (finding women, porn, or simply an escape to real life problems)
His family is probably the cause. We talked yesterday about his difficulty sharing his thoughts and feelings (sex related or not) with me. I asked him if he didn't express his emotions as a child and he couldn't remember a single moment in his childhood where he had been kissed/hugged by his mother/father.
I don't know how to behave around him anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:18pm

Hi there,

First, I want to extend some encouragement to you. No one deserves a painful marriage... not even your husband... and no one can blame you for not wanting to give up on him.

I think it's great that he is seeing a psychiatrist. That is a tremendous step. With proper help, it is possible for him to change some of his behaviors, as long as he continues to admit to himself that he needs to change. It will likely be a long process, however, and you will probably go through more upheavals before things get better. But this is your marriage. Go ahead and fight for it if you feel in your heart that's what you should do.

But whatever happens, there are a certain things that NO ONE should have to live with and endure. One is abuse (physical or verbal). The other is constant lying. I can think of few things more damaging to a person's self confidence and to the relationship than never being sure if your partner is telling you the truth. Unless he gets REAL help with that, I don't know how you're going to make it with him. All the other behaviors... porn, flirting with women, and even past drug use and sexual infidelities can be forgiven in time... as long as they stay in the PAST.

Your road with this man is a difficult one, there's no way around that fact. But I wish you Godspeed toward a healthier future... with him or without him. YOU and your children are the most important people in your own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:52am

I know this is a very difficult time for you, and it's completely understandable that being around him at all would be very awkward. You've been hurt, you've realized things you didn't know before, your trust is out the window; if you felt at all that you knew him before, you have no clue who he is and what he's capable of now. It's perfectly understandable. If dealing with him at this point were easy that would show some serious problems within you.


I assume since he's seeing a psychologist that he doesn't feel he has an addiction problem. I say that because if identified something that he couldn't keep from doing, he'd seek addiction therapy in that area. Personally (and I'm no expert) I don't thing having trouble staying away from the computer indicates he has addiction problems in other areas. I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway; while the internet may make it easier to access women, porn, etc., he'd have no problem finding any of those things without the internet. In that sense, the internet makes it easier for him, but without it he'd still be able to accomplish the same things. Most of our issues come from our childhood, so it wouldn't be at all surprising if that's the case with him.


Be sure to go easy on yourself. It's okay not to trust and to be uncomfortable, it's the healthiest reaction you could have. Be good to yourself (more ice cream!), and make an appointment to see a therapist yourself, if it's "just" a regular therapist, that's okay, you need some help sorting through your feelings and that's the best place to get that kind of help.


Keep us updated, and post anytime you feel like you need to, even if it's just to get it out.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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