feeling stuck
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| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 8:17pm |
This may be long. My husband and I have only been married for 7 months. We were together 4 years prior. In the beginning of our marriage everything was great. We went to church, really tried to leave right and just got along perfectly. I mentioned in a previous post that he has job where he works 7 days a week sometimes. Well that working keeps him out of church and has introduced him to people who aren't good for him and who aren't good for us. He seems to have just closed himself off to me. In the just the past week, things have gotten progressively worse. I've asked him he wants to leave or he wants me to leave and he says no. But he want talk to me about whats going on in order to fix anything. Just keeps telling me that he has a lot on his mind. I know I have pushed to issue and have nagged about it, which has in turn just pushed him farther from me. He won't go to church and has started drinking occassionally, something that I'm not fond of. I'm so worrried that I can't eat. I'm stressed and sick. I'm having surgery Wednesday and just feel so emotionally drained. I feel like I really don't have anybody to talk to about all of this. I just need some help. Do I just hang in there and live life as normal and be patient until he is ready to open up to me? Any advice would be great. Church is really important to me, so divorce isn't really an option for me. I want to make things work more than anything. If anyone wants to email me or anything, my email address is dreamwatcher_ebh@hotmail.com
Thanks for listening guys!

I'm really confused about this post and your last one...not sure exactly what your marital problem is. I'll go though this post with you point by point to try and get some clarity. If you could respond to the questions we wrote in your last post it would also be very helpful. Let us know if we are on the right track or if we are miles off.
>>I mentioned in a previous post that he has job where he works 7 days a week sometimes<<
In your previous post, you led us to believe that he works 7 days per week EVERY WEEK. Just how often does he work 7 days?
>>Well that working keeps him out of church<<
Well, if he's working, then he doesn't have much choice, does he. And if he has very limited free time, I can understand him wanting to use it to do what's important TO HIM.
>>and has introduced him to people who aren't good for him and who aren't good for us.<<
Everywhere we go we can meet people who aren't good for us - it's not just work. Anyway, in what ways *exactly* are these people affecting your marriage? Perhaps they are a bad influence on him? If so, it's important to remember that people can only influence those who wish to be influenced. Your husband will not follow their lead unless he desires to do so. You can't shelter him from bad influences.
>>He seems to have just closed himself off to me. In the just the past week, things have gotten progressively worse.<<
What exactly is he doing? How long has he been doing it for? What happens if you stop nagging for an answer?
>>He won't go to church<<
Hang on. You said earlier that his work hours prevent him from going to church. There is a big difference between "won't" and "can't"
>>and has started drinking occassionally, something that I'm not fond of<<
If it's only on occaision and not to excess, what is the problem? Or did you and he agree beforehand that your marriage would be teetotal?
>>Do I just hang in there and live life as normal and be patient until he is ready to open up to me?<<
Well, that depends on just what is wrong and how long you have to be patient for. If divorce isn't an option and he won't talk, then you really have no choice but to just sit there.
One can't *force* their partner to deal with problems. I can tell you from my own experiences, the more I push my husband, the more he will dig his heels in. I've learned long ago that nagging is a useless strategy and that patience is a virtue. If you want to have real influence, you need to gently introduce an idea...then leave it be.
newlyweds in trouble
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Mrscollins, I can hear you getting more and more anxious, your level of anxiety over this seems to be escalating. I'm sorry you're feeling so distraught.
What I need you to understand is that the questions I asked in response to your last post were so that your situation could be better understood. If we have a better grasp on what's really going on we're better able to offer you thoughts and suggestions. It's hard to offer anything that really makes sense to your situation and has the possibility of helping if we don't clearly see what the situation is. I know you posted for answers, not more questions, but often without answers for you we aren't able to offer any of our own.
You might also want to know that quite frequently others will wait to see your answers before responding themselves, so what looks like a post that was largely ignored by the members may be one that is being watched by them, they're just waiting, like me, to understand better so they can have thoughts to offer.
Of course, you don't have to answer, it's not mandatory, but without some help in understanding your situation more clearly, you may not get answers.
I hope you'll help us so we can help you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well, I'll start with the issue of his not spending time alone with you. Every person differs in what is most important to them in a relationship. Clearly, spending quality time together is an important element for you so I do think it's unfair that your husband isn't offering it to you. To your husband, though, spending quality time as such a key element in a relationship. He could probably be happy in a marriage where you didn't spend much time alone together as long as he had a wife that felt the same way. So he probably doesn't see why it's such a huge deal to you, and he doesn't think he's doing anything that bad by not finding more time for you. If he thinks you're nagging him about it, at some level he may even be rebeling against your nagging by refusing to talk to you.
There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman which you may want to read that talks about the differences people see in what is important in a relationship and how it starts to kill the love in a relationship, and what to do to keep that from happening. You may like the book. The guy who wrote it actually does marriage counseling for Christian groups even though this book was written to help people of all denominations.
One thing that I can suggest to you is that when you talk to your husband about this, you can try to approach it from a more positive angle rather than a more negative angle. What I mean is if you're just telling him what he's doing wrong and what you don't like about him, then it's going to feel like you're nagging, and he's going to tune you out. On the other hand, you could be approach a discussion on the same topic by emphasizing the point that you MISS him and by emphasizing how much you love spending time with him and how much it means to you. If you discuss it in those types of terms,he'll be more receptive to hearing what it is you want to say.
As for his not going to church, that's between him and God- which means it's beyond your control. That's not to say that you can't help encourage him in his religion IF he wants your encouragement. But if he's not looking for it, nothing you say or do is going to change anything. He's an adult, and as such his religion is ultimately his responsibility, not yours. You need to let go and to just have enough faith in your husband and in God to know that it will be okay.
I think much of the same applies for drinking. That is another thing that you're not going to be able to control. That's not saying that you should ignore it if it starts to become serious, at the very least, you would need to figure out how to protect yourself under such a situation. But if it's just occasional light social drinking, there's not much you can do. I mean you can certainely let him know your thoughts on the matter. You can let him know that you're very worried and concerned about him because you love him. But if he still chooses to do it after he knows how you feel, then the final choice is in his hands, not yours, and that is something that you just have to learn to accept.
Also, I think you might benefit from finding more stuff to keep yourself occupied with. Get out with your friends. Find some hobbies. Join a class or activity. This might help you feel less lonely when you're husband is out working all those days. It'll also keep your mind off of agonizing over issues you can't change.