feeling very down,,,please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
feeling very down,,,please help
18
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:29am

Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have two wonderful kids. My husband is a great guy in that he helps out and doesn't make comments if I don't get something done around the house. He's patient and understanding. However, sometimes I feel like I do a ton of stuff around the house and I don't feel appreciated. I understand that it's my house too and it's all stuff that I need to do anyway. It would just be nice to hear him say something to me that would actually make me feel worthy. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't trade that in for anything in the world. I would just like to be told, every now and then, that I'm doing a great job. It's not easy taking care of two kids and a big house.

He also does not, in any way, go out of his way to make me feel special. He always says that he can't express himself like I want him to. He says that he loves me and I think that he feels that's enough. He believes that going on vacations every year and buying things is enough to make me feel loved. Over the years, I have become an extremely insecure person. My self-esteem is extremely low. He has not cheated on me or anything like that. He would never do that. I compare myself to other women ALL THE TIME. I feel very ugly. I am very jealous of all the pretty girls out there. I know that I'm supposed to love myself for who I am but that really easier said than done. I can't do that. I don't like myself. That's the problem. When I see a pretty girl, I'm always thinking that my husband would rather be with her than me. I know that's silly and I would do anything in the world to change the way that I think. I hate being like this. I would do anything to be secure in myself and have a high self-esteem. I need for him to tell me and show me that he loves me. Is this unreasonable? I often feel like we're roommates. I can go on and on about this.

I would like to know if what I'm asking for is unreasonable. I've tried to tell him so many times what it is that I want from him. He always says that he'll try to change but he doesn't. Also, what can I do to get these stupid jealousy issues resolved?

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 3:28am

Hello idestiny. No, I don't think that what you're asking of your husband is an unreasonable want. However if verbal praise isn't instinctive to him, it's probably not going to happen.

Here's a similar issue from my home: my DH likes a tidy home, but I leave my clothes around. He wants me to tidy up as I go and I know it's a very reasonable request - but because it's not instinctive I only remember to be tidy for a couple of days and then I forget again. It's not because I don't care or don't want to make him happy - it's just because I forget.

You know, when I read through your post, your issues all have the same root cause: your low self esteem. Everything from not feeling valued around the home, to not liking yourself to the jealousy. If you were to address the issue of your self esteem, all these other issues would go away. Even your need for your husband to praise your housework efforts would go - because you are seeking the approval from him that you are unable to give yourself.

Have you done any individual counselling? And I'm also wondering if clinical depression could be an issue for you. It's just that such an extreme feeling of worthlessness can be indicative of depression. (trust me, I've been there)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:43am

ITA with Aisha, and would also add that you would get a lot out of reading Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. You need words of affirmation to feel loved, and your husband is showing you his love in other ways. The book may help you understant this.

Please be sure to see a doctor about Aisha's depression suggestion, as well--I've been a SAHM as well, and in addition to hard work and not much adult contact, the feelings of isolation can be a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:17pm

It is not unresonable but given your self esteem issues and the related stuff, jealousy, etc I don't think it will help at all...you tell yourself that is it, but it is not.

Go to work on your individual issues and I think you will get the biggest improvement.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:35pm

idestiny2004,


Have you ever thrown your arms around your husband when he walked in the door after a long hard day at work and told him how much you appreciate that he works hard so you can stay home with the kids??

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:10pm
Hi,
Thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right about my low self-esteem. I do believe that it's the root of all my problems. I saw a psychologist for about two months about two years ago. I thought that it was a complete waste of time and money. It cost me $40 every time I saw her. I just can't let myself spend that kind of money on myself. It's just too much. We have so many other things that we need. I am working on losing weight. I only have about 15 lbs to lose. I'm hoping that will help a lot. I just wish that I was normal....without any issues about other girls and what my husband "might" be thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:56am

You think you can't afford it but really there are few things in your life more important...cause your happiness and marriage are at stake. Think about what it will feel like when you have all those things you want but are still unhappy, and then when you go through the divorce, fighting over those things, all the while being miserable becuase of your failed marriage....and then after separation when you struggle even to pay the rent on the small apartment that you have, wondering if you will ever be able to have those "things" again.

Now imagine yourself happy but with less "things" in the short term and with a successful marriage and having the money long term to afford those things. The investment you make now in your mental health will payback bigtime in both monetary and non-monetary ways.

Don't underestimate the importance of addressing these issues.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:07pm
Very well said P.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:33pm
Idestinly, I completely agree with all the responses you got, especially the last one you got from Orangecuse. You don't think you're worth counseling, yet it affects not just you, but your husband and your kids as well. In other words, it affects your marriage and your whole family. Don't you think they deserve it? Don't you think they deserve a wife and mother that's happy and emotionally healthy? Two months isn't a long time to have been in therapy, I really think you owe it to yourself and to them to go back and stick it out.


I'd also suggest that you do some volunteer work, something to get you out of the house doing something on your own that will help you feel a sense of accomplishment in the adult world. I've been a SAHM mom too and completely understand how you're feeling. Along the lines of wanting more from your husband, I agree that it's not too much to ask, but if it's not the kind of thing that comes natural to him, it's not reasonable to expect that he'll change. There's a post that talks about the differences between men and women and how they express love for each other that I think might be really good for you to read, I hope you like it as much as I do:


Men, Women and their expressions of love








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 6:07pm

Hi,
Thanks for your reply. I read the posts and I will try to be a lot more understanding. My husband does work his butt off to be his best. He's been working for a major bottle distributor since he got out of college and he has moved up the ladder very quickly. He's done that because he's worked his butt off in every position. I will make a constant effort to make him feel like what he's doing is obviously extremely important and appreciated.

I quit my job when my son was an infant because that was the best choice for us. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. He is now 4. We also have a 15-month old princess. I know that if my husband didn't work as hard as he does, I would never be able to stay home. We have a very nice home and two cars. We buy our children everything they could possibly want and more. When I go out, I usually come home with something for them. I guess that's my superficial way of letting them I love them. That's not the only way that I show my love. I tell them that I love them all the time. I smother them as much as I can. I take time out during the day to show them that I love them in many ways. Anyway, this really isn't about that.

I try to go out 3-4 days a week to work out. I have been trying to lose the baby weight and it's been very hard. On those days, my husband comes home, we eat dinner and then I leave. I really hate doing that because I feel like I'm missing out on our family time. I force myself to go out and work out because if I lose this weight, I feel that I will feel much better about myself. I know that it's important for me to get out.

As far as spending money on treatment, I wouldn't feel bad doing it if it was money that I actually earned. My husband is in financing and he watches what we spend and what we spend it on. Don't get me wrong, he's not cheap. We do have a lot of nice stuff. I just have a problem spending all that money on something that might not work. Even though he would tell me to do it, I would not feel right doing it. I have a major problem when it comes to spending money on myself. Whenever I want to buy something for myself, I usually ask him if it's okay. When it comes to my kids, though, I don't have that problem. I usually buy anything I want for them. He never says it's "his" money or anything. He always says it's "our" money. For some reason, I just don't feel comfortable spending it on myself.

After reading what some of the people have said, I will make a huge effort to understand things a little more. I know that it will take time. I will do my best do communicate with him. I don't plan on ever getting a divorce. We have been together since high school and I know we're meant to be together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 10:49pm
You might not lose the weight by working out, either. Many things in life are a not a certainty, but we do them anyway in order to solve problems.

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