feeling very down,,,please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
feeling very down,,,please help
18
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:29am

Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have two wonderful kids. My husband is a great guy in that he helps out and doesn't make comments if I don't get something done around the house. He's patient and understanding. However, sometimes I feel like I do a ton of stuff around the house and I don't feel appreciated. I understand that it's my house too and it's all stuff that I need to do anyway. It would just be nice to hear him say something to me that would actually make me feel worthy. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't trade that in for anything in the world. I would just like to be told, every now and then, that I'm doing a great job. It's not easy taking care of two kids and a big house.

He also does not, in any way, go out of his way to make me feel special. He always says that he can't express himself like I want him to. He says that he loves me and I think that he feels that's enough. He believes that going on vacations every year and buying things is enough to make me feel loved. Over the years, I have become an extremely insecure person. My self-esteem is extremely low. He has not cheated on me or anything like that. He would never do that. I compare myself to other women ALL THE TIME. I feel very ugly. I am very jealous of all the pretty girls out there. I know that I'm supposed to love myself for who I am but that really easier said than done. I can't do that. I don't like myself. That's the problem. When I see a pretty girl, I'm always thinking that my husband would rather be with her than me. I know that's silly and I would do anything in the world to change the way that I think. I hate being like this. I would do anything to be secure in myself and have a high self-esteem. I need for him to tell me and show me that he loves me. Is this unreasonable? I often feel like we're roommates. I can go on and on about this.

I would like to know if what I'm asking for is unreasonable. I've tried to tell him so many times what it is that I want from him. He always says that he'll try to change but he doesn't. Also, what can I do to get these stupid jealousy issues resolved?

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 11:04pm
I know that exercise alone may not give me the results that I'm looking for. I don't have a lot to lose that's why it's so hard for me to lose weight (to get to my ideal goal). I have been watching what I eat very carefully lately. I have lost 3 lbs. in the last two weeks. For someone my size, that's not bad at all. I feel like I got over that "hump" after I lost the first pound. I feel like I can do it now. It's just going to take a while. I really do believe that if I feel better about myself (physically), I'll feel better overall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 7:37am

What you wrote about losing the weight in your post is exactly how therapy works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 7:52am
Well said, Q! And I will also point out that while $40 a week IS a significant amount, there are people posting on these boards who have sacrificed to spend more than $100 per week on therapy, because they were so determined to make a difference in their lives. Forty dollars is a bargain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:29pm
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. I understand that if I had thousands of dollars that it would make a difference. $40 may seem like a bargain to some but when you have a $2,000 mortgage payment, $425 car payment, and an over $200 payment for a student loan in does add up during the month. That doesn't include utilities, food/groceries, diapers and everything else that my children get. We spend over $5,000 per month when you add everything up. Things come up all the time...expensive things. I realize that it may sound like I'm coming up with excuses. I just can't imagine spening $160-$200 per month on a doctor. We are trying so hard to save up money so we can do extra stuff as a family, like go on vacations. My husband is really big on taking at least one big vacation every single year. I would hate for us to miss out on that, something that he enjoys so much, because I had to talk to someone about my problems. I will do my best to chill out and become a better person. I know that it will not be easy and I know that it will not happen overnight. Once I lose the 15 lbs. and get to my goal of 115, I will feel much better. From that point on, I can start working on other things.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:47pm

I doubt very much you will find that weight loss is a cure all. What are you going to do when you get to your goal weight and realize you still feel the same way?

How about going to counseling every two weeks? That's what I did, and while it wasn't ideal, it still helped a lot.

Or try CODA meetings which are basically free (you can put a dollar or two in the basket but it's not mandatory...it sounds as though you have some co-dependency issues if you don't believe that YOUR feelings are worth addressing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 6:47pm
I never said that my weight loss will solve all my problems. I believe that I said that it was a start.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 6:53pm

I think you need to re-read my post--I used the exact same language you did (that you would "feel better" after losing weight). I'm saying I don't think you will find that's the case...you'll still have the same emotions you do now because losing weight really has nothing to do with addressing your emotional issues.

But if you want to use that as an excuse and a way to postphone the inevitable, then that's your choice.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 12:08am
I agree with everything that's been said. I also think that if you resolve the issues you need to resolve in counseling, you will very likely find losing weight easier as a result; they often go hand in hand; and it's easier to lose weight when you feel good emotionally, but losing weight before that won't be easy, and losing the weight won't resolve the emotional issues you have.


I agree with the others that you seem to be making excuses as to why you're not worth seeing a therapist for. You've cited bills, therapy cost (very cheap, by the way) and your husband's desire for a yearly vacation. Let me ask you, would you make excuses why not to get therapy for your child if he or she needed it? How about your husband? If anyone in your family was hurting and in need of therapy to bring them to happiness, high self esteem and self worth, would you find excuses as to why they shouldn't do it? I suspect you'd do everything in your power and sacrifice anything you needed to sacrifice in order to get them the help they needed. Your needs are no different. Your self worth, self esteem and happiness affect more than just you, it affects everyone in your family. Growing up with a mother who has issues makes children much more likely to have the same issues or look for women who have those issues themselves as adults. Growing up with a mother who avoids getting help sets the precedent that we aren't worth getting help ourselves, I'm guessing that's not how you want them to view themselves either. By getting help for you, you're setting the example and the precedent that you are worth it, and you're sending the message that they are worth it too. Your husband, I think, is deserving of a wife who's happy and secure as well. This is about much more than just you, Idestiny.


As far as the post I linked on the differences in expressing love goes, I didn't mean for you to try to be more understanding, and what you want is certainly not too much, I thought the post might give you another way of looking at things and perhaps you would recognize some areas that your husband is showing his love for you. Please don't think I was telling you to "shut up and be happy with what you have", that's not at all the case.








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"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

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