a few relationship issues- help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
a few relationship issues- help
5
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 3:54am


Hi i need some advise ....

got a few issues with my boyfriend of 7months and their compiling and making me question our relationship.
Firstly, me- 22yrs old, young, bubbly, active, easy going. The last couple of years have been about dating, clubbing, and music.
boyfriend- 34yrs old, divorced from pointless short marriage, has a 3year old daughter. is all about xbox, and movies.

NOW-
We've only been together 7months and weve not been clubbing once, and maybe twice stayed out past midnight, i now only listen to music in my car and all we do is have after work drinks at the pub once/twice every week.

He also reads my txt messages, gets jelous at the silliest things, knows my weekly schedule, (better than i do sometimes) i cant make plans sometimes without consulting him first incase he gets upset,or says 'we were going to do something together'. we dont really do things alone very often-ie go everywhere together- and If i do something to upset him- and often its nothing- he doesnt speak to me for a period of 12-48+hours.

And the last things have happened tooo often for my liking.
OK there are some good things- um- he is house trained- cooks and cleans, he is great with kids, he's popular, funny, handsome, has nice muscles, buys me presents, cares about me, likes affection, all my friends like him- and more.

so should these 'bad things' be 'ignored' or taken more seriously?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 7:55am
Well, that depends--how will you feel 30 years from now if you are still reporting to him, if he is still getting jealous about silly things, and if he's still freezing you out when he gets angry? Your boyfriend sounds like a controlling kind of person, and you sound like someone who likes to be independent. There is no reason to believe that he will change as your relationship progresses; this is the person he is, and he seems happy this way. You will have to decide if you can live with more of the same for years and years and years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:53pm

ajeffs,

Let me give you a little more insight to your reasons.....

<boyfriend- 34yrs old, divorced from pointless short marriage, has a 3year old daughter. is all about xbox, and movies.>>

Here's how I see it. This is reason number one that this relationship is not going to work. You two are in two different places in your lives. Although you may get along and have fun together, you really don't have anything in common. You don't know just yet who you are and what you want out of life. You have so many discoveries ahead of you and I think that you should be single and free to discover them.

<>

Hense what I said above. You two are in two different placs in life and neither one of you are what eachother is looking for. You are wanting to go out and be young and enjoy the normal growing up things. He has already been there and done that and is past it. Even if he doesn't want to get married again, he doesn't want to be clubbing either. I am 28 and I haven't been out in months and you know what, I'm totally fine with that. I love staying home with some drinks and a movie with DH. That's what happens when you get older. Don't get me wrong, we still will go out and have fun, but it's not a big deal if we don't. I have feeling that's where your BF is at in his life.

<>

He's reacting that way because he knows that you are a 22 year old lady who wants to go out and party, out where other guys are. He is insecure, but maybe not in general, but just because of your age difference. For the most part you will find that when a older man is in a realtionship with a younger lady he will be a little more insecure and that will play into a more controlling attitude. It's not right and I'm not saying that it is, but I am saying that it is a fact of life. It doesn't make it a bd person, just human. I'm sure if he was in a relationship with a 34 year old woman he wouldn't be acting that way. Course there are men who are also insecure and controlling no matter what too. Either way, getting involved with a man with insecurities or a controlling nature is a big NO-NO. You will learn this as you get older. One of my ex's was horrible, I mean horrible to me. I put up with it for 6 months, I was 23. If put in that same spot now, I would be very happy to explain to him where to shove it. As you get older you realize you don't have to put up with anyone's crap.

Bottom line is I think that you need to be out of this relationship. If you don't want to be single then atleast find someone your own age.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal




Edited 4/16/2006 2:29 pm ET by defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 6:12pm

How do you ignore someone who monitors your private communications, is jealous, expects to control your life and otherwise has proven to prefer a lifestyle very different than yours? "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." This guy is very clearly telling you who he is. He doesn't like clubbing (he may say he does, but his actions show he doesn't), apparently doesn't like music, or at least the kind of music you like, and generally his lifestyle isn't compatible with yours. From what you've said, I'm guessing it's not a case where he bites the bullet and does what you want to do, rather, you don't do what you want. If you're satisfied to not ever do what you like, always doing what he likes, even though it doesn't satisfy you, I guess the lifestyle would be fine. Really though, why would you be satisfied with that? How much fun and enjoyment can you be having never doing what you're "all about"?

Moving along to the very serious issues of control; these should have red flags waving wildly and warning sirens screaming for you. Monitoring your private messages is not okay. Jealousy is not okay. Controlling your lifestyle and your schedule and what you plan is not okay. Do you enjoy these things? He is controlling and this a serious problem -- serious as in get the heck out of there now. I promise you, if he's controlling with you now, after only seven months he will be drastically more controlling down the road, when the newness of the relationship has worn off, when he doesn't feel like he has to impress you, when you're married or when he otherwise believes the relationship is rock solid. You'll get to a place where you won't be able to breath without his permission and without him knowing about it. I suspect you know his actions aren't okay or you wouldn't have mentioned them. If you know they're not indicative of a healthy relationship or an equal, respectful partnership, why would you consider continuing? Especially when you are the one who is in the lower, subservient position? You may think I'm going over the top with my warnings of his controlling behavior, if so, I suggest you check out the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage . You'll links to many "identifying abusive and controlling behavior" articles there. Yes, control is very much an abuse issue. I'm sure that he has many great qualities too and I have to tell you, everyone does, the great ones, the abusers and everyone in between. Those who are abusive, controlling, mean, rude, etc. have to have some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't consider staying. And if they didn't put on a good front of being great guys to start with you wouldn't go out with them on a first date. Their real selves comes out slowly, usually after a prolonged period of being nice, great guys. It's the hook that gets women into abusive, controlling relationships. Here's a good site that helps identify healthy vs. unhealthy relationships:

Is Your Relationship Healthy?



I think you already know this too, but do you really think not speaking for 24-48 hours is a healthy, productive way to resolve problems in a relationship? It doesn't allow for problems to be resolved at all, and isn't a healthy way to deal with anything. It assures problems don't get resolved and is primarily used to punish the other partner.


I don't know the circumstances around his previous marriage or how long ago it occurred, but it is likely also a serious statement about this man's behavior, choices and actions.


I understand there are good qualities about this guy also, and again, there always are. Personally, though, I can't imagine any amount of good qualities that would make being controlled, suspected, violated privacy worth staying for. That's quite a price to pay. It's also settling for less than a healthy, equal partnership; why would that be acceptable to you? And none of that is even touching on the fact that you're preferences and likes are not at all compatible with his, and a lifestyle you're expected to give up for a relationship with him. Like the saying goes, "When you settle for less than you want you find out you've settled for much less than you thought". You shouldn't settle. You should hold out for a relationship with someone who meets all your standards and preferences. The fact that this guy does on several levels and doesn't on others says he close, but not close enough. Settling won't give you happiness, quite the opposite.

A very enlightening book is "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 4/16/2006 9:06 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 6:59pm

After only 7 months he has you on lock, wow.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 7:18pm
I have to agree with all the other posters. Also his first marriage however brief, created a child so It can hardly be call insignificant.Thats all I have to add. Cleo