Fiancé feels vilified - how to deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fiancé feels vilified - how to deal
17
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 3:18pm

Hey folks.

I'm getting married next month.

When we first got together, he was a chronic pot smoker and hated his job (a medical residency). He started dealing with what he hated about his work... stopped smoking pot regularly. We moved in in November and he's just the best person to share my time with and my life with. In December, he quit his residency and has applied to another one. We found out about a month ago that he has a conditional acceptance to a new residency beginning April 1.

Since he found out that he's beginning his new residency, he's been hyperactive... and a bit anxious. He loves music and DJs and stuff... (he's 29 and I'm 32) and he's got a new friend who's unemployed and directionless. Since he found out that he starts this new job... he's been partying a lot... after nights out with other friends, he wants to go out to clubs (I opt to stay home)... and he's done extasy twice since... and planned to do it again next week while I'm away on business.

I've told him how much it bothers me when he does extasy... and how much I hate it when he ditches me to go party... I'd asked him not to do extasy and last week he said that he's still going to do it b/c he likes it.

I was mega distreseed about this... and also feeling quite alone and feeling really upset about walking down the aisle when I'm feeling so... troubled... So, I talked to some of my friends for feedback. The response I got was... maybe you should postpone the wedding if this is how you feel.

Well - he told me after I told him exactly how upset I was, and also some of what my friends said... he said he'd cut it out. However, I probably told him too much about what my friends said... and he's really mad at me now b/c he says I probably manipulated my friends to agree with me... and that by telling him about some of their bad advice, that I've manipulated him into feeling angry at my friends. He says that i handled this really badly and right now he doesn't want to talk to me.

I told him that i wouldn't talk to my friends about things any more and that I only shared their feedback with him b/c i feel open enough to tell him everything (though, now I realize it was a bad idea). But, he's still mad at how I handled this.

It's done, I've said I'll approach things differently. But he asked me to let him be for the afternoon.

Is the way I handled this so wrong? And, why can't an apology be enough?

What's your input?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 3:57pm

An apology can't be enough because he's looking for a reason to justify his using drugs while you're away next week. And now he has it. This will be "payback" for some injustice he sees in his mind for betraying him to your friends. Hon, that was a no-win sitch all the way around for you. If it hadn't been that, he'd have found some other mundane thing to hone in on so he could go off next week and do his drug of choice. You sound like an incredibly intelligent woman....and I'm tending to agree with your friends....perhaps a postponement would be a wise choice....surely you know this already, right? I'm SO anti-drugs that it's unreal. I have zero patience and zero tolerance for drug use. Let me clarify....I'm all for going for drinks after work and the all too rare "girl's night out" with my best friends...I'm talking about illegal drugs (and alcohol too for those addicted). It's just not going to be a happy ending for you. Even if you do marry this man, with his mentality right now, his top priority is not settling down. You mentioned a "residency", would that be a medical residency? If so, he of all people should be aware of the dangers of ecstasy. Worse case scenario, he keeps using without your knowledge, you walk down the aisle, become the new Mrs. Dr. So & So, he hides his secret and suddenly, one day, makes an error that costs him his practice, every material thing the two of you have acquired, his license, his reputation and anything else that means anything to you. Keep in mind....this may happen while he's sober as a judge....but when the hospital does the routine drug testing for use as a defense in a future lawsuit and they find it in his system (nevermind the fact he'd used it days before and it had nothing to do with this mistake he's made in the operating room), what do you think happens next? I'll bet you can write that chapter just as well as I could. Seriously, I think you should take this afternoon that he's forced you into spending alone (or at least away from him) and take a long hot bath, overload on ice cream and pizza, do the soul searching I'm such a believer in and then see how you wake up tomorrow a.m. These are extremely serious issues that not only affect you short term, but have the danger of affecting you in an extremely tragic way long term.

OK...just read your post again, and I see that it is a medical residency.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:06pm

FIRST OFF< I think it is absolutely shameful that he uses excasty. Being a doctor, of all professions, he should know how destructive it is on one's central nervous system and BRAIN. I am an attorney and I know just how challenging and rigorous it is to reach such a high professional level. WOULD YOU EVER GO TO A DOCTOR who you learned uses illegal recreational substances.

Regardless of how common it MIGHT be, he is being an idiot with his future - LET HIS DIRECTIONLESS friends destroy themselves. It sounds like your fiancee feels like he is fitting inot a niche with these people and it likely makes him feel regular and popular amongst people that aren't of his intellectual and professional level. That is a normal want, but at what cost.

HE IS WRONG to make you feel like you are manipulative. That is merely him lashing back at you because he feels defensive. DEEP DOWN HE KNOWS you are right. He is also probably embarressed because he doesn't want his reputation tarnished in any way.

YOU ARE RIGHT. He wouldn't get so angry if he didn't feel like he was "on the hook."

My BF used to smoke pot regularly. He has stopped now. I dont do ANY drugs and would never expect any of my clients to find me competant on any level if they learned I was a pill dropping club kid. I've been there, done that, BUT experimenting in college once or twice is one thing ... REAL LIFE, any there is only one of them, is quite another.

-isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:31pm
im sorry because i realize this isnt the point of your post, but i am completely APPALLED that a medical resident is using illegal drugs!!
people trust this man with their LIVES and he does this?
im sorry for sounding so harsh but this is bound to turn out badly for some unlucky person who was counting on him for medical care.

im sorry but its true. he has a duty to the people he is taking care of, and this is how he takes responsibility for that? how in the world do you think he is going to be able to have a mature, responsible relationship with YOU when this is how he acts towards his profession and the people is is supposed to be protecting?
im sorry to say all this, but to be frank this is the most upsetting post i have ever seen. you are making a decision to be with this man, so i cant change your mind on that. but i am horrified that innocent people could be affected and possibly die due to this guys 'partying'.
i dont use drugs, but unfortunately a lot of people i know do. mostly i figure its their own business but in this case it is not at ALL.
he has chosen to enter a profession in which his actions can either save peoples lives or can kill them.
if this is how he treats that responsibility i hope to god you think really long and hard about having anything to do with this guy. for that matter i would hope you would call the hospital and tell them hes on drugs but i doubt that will happen.
think hard about this guy.
think about how you would feel if someone in your family were to be given medical care by a drug user.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:40pm

I really appreciate your input... and I'm as anti drug as all of you and am a successful professional...

...but I'd really appreciate some refocusing on what's causing my concern...

He's promised me (as of two days ago when my protests were finally taken seriously) that he won't touch X. He said 'ever' I said 'don't set youself up for failure'...

I've got what I wanted... though i browbeat and used my friends input to do so.

Now he's mad that i use other ppl as ways of manipulating him. Maybe I do... I mean, it works, non?

If it's hurting him (as much as his drug use hurt me...) then I need to take this seriously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:49pm

I know this is my second post, but I totally agree with what everyone is saying, especially with the last post.

This man is actively, knowingly, and willingly taking steps against the very premise of his profession, REGARDLESS of whatever field of medicine he practices.

Something can happen, and even if he excuses this by saying "its only a rare occurance and everyone does it," he is being an idiot. As an attorney, I make money on anticipating, investigating, and protecting against things that are supposed to be rarities. RARE does not exist.

Also, it is an excellent point that if he has such little respect for such a respectful and noble profession as a doctor, what makes you think that he would be at all respectful of the sacred union of marriage.

I know that some people thinks drugs are fine and cool, but you are not KIDS, he is not ANYBODY, and this is an absolute sign of instability and irrational thought.

Dont settle for this. Marriage is a long time. For your sake and your future childrens' sakes, confront the horses ass and dont take ANY of his BS crap!

Also, be aware that he may lie and hide this side from you in the future. You must get the notion that he recognizes that ANY drug use by someone in his career is about as intelligent as jumping off the empire state building on a sunny day!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:49pm

Just to preface this with some honesty, I'm a potsmoker. So I'm not coming at this from an anti-drug standpoint.

"I'd asked him not to do extasy and last week he said that he's still going to do it b/c he likes it."

RED FLAG!!!! Not that either of you is "right", but it's quite obvious that your values don't match up. I don't date someone who is against pot just for that reason - it doesn't make sense!!!!

"he's really mad at me now b/c he says I probably manipulated my friends to agree with me"

RED FLAG #2!!! That seems like an inappropriate, immature and hurtful thing to say.

"that I've manipulated him into feeling angry at my friends. "

RED FLAG #3!!! He thinks you're a big manipulater, I guess!! If he is angry at your friends, that is his choice and his feelings, all you did was tell him how they felt to support your side. which makes sense. you were trying to tell him where you were coming from, and instead of sticking to the point at hand, he went off on a tanget about how you have "made" him feel badly about your friends.

"And, why can't an apology be enough?"

Are you talking about YOU apologizing? Why? If anything, he should be apologizing for trying to become a doctor while doing X! Does not compute!!!

Either way, I think that you should look at what his actions and lifestyle are telling you. Even if you love each other, you may not be right for each other b/c of basic differences in value. However, you said that you started dating him when he was a chronic, so maybe you like that? Do you feel like you need to change him now that you're getting married? Doing drugs was okay when you were dating, but not now? Just some things to think about anyway.

I think you need to have some serious talks before going forward with the wedding. JMHO.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:57pm

***** He may be just appeasing you by saying he will never do it, and then do it at another time.

***** You in NO WAY manipulated a situation, you reached out to friends for support and then brought it back at him - NOT manipulation, its called educated concern.

***** He is the manipulator by giving you a guilt trip about this, and that is just what it is. He is NOT hurt you went to your friends - that is ridiculous and if he really believes that, it is NOT your problem, it is his. If you apologize or succomb to this power trip of his, you are asking to be taken advantage of. He wants you to be ok with it because it will make him feel like he is just fine and doing nothing wrong.

THINK RATIONALLY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 5:08pm
i wish i could give you advice on how to fix things with him but i cant in good conscience even consider giving my input to someone about working out their relationship with a person like this. it would be like an abused woman asking for advice on how to stay with her bf.
im sorry. im sorry we are perhaps coming across as being rude towards you, because i believe i can speak for most everyone here in saying that i dont mean to be rude to you. but im horrified by this guy.
i cant get past the things he is doing, its hard for me to understand how you can, and furthermore why you think you should try to have a future with him.
i read a couple of posts from attorneys, im sure they may have some input about the potential lawsuits he is setting himself up for, even if, as it seems, he doesnt care about the ethical aspects of the way he is caring for his patients.
im not saying drug users are bad or evil, i dont agree with what they do, but mostly its their choice. but not when they are doctors.
please please see a counselor or something. you need to think logically about this. i know we as women tend not to do that but you HAVE to in this case!
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 5:17pm

This is exactly what I was thinking. There are huge red flags here and it looks like these two people might not be compatible in marriage, or at least they need to have some serious discussions and make some compromises before they make a lifetime commitment.

In addition to the points you brought up, I wanted to address the differences in socializing - him wanting to party all night, her wanting to socialize a bit and then go home at a reasonable hour. This also sounds like an incompatability. When they get married, will he be happy going home early or will he want to continue to stay out late? Will she be ok with him staying out late or does she feel that a husband should mostly be home or out with his wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 5:20pm
yes this is a good point you are making.
i had a friend like this, he partied all night, his girlfriend didnt, and after they married he eventually left her and they divorced because he was sick of her being at home. its a bigger issue then most people would think.

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