Fiance says looking at women is ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fiance says looking at women is ok.
11
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 8:01pm
Am I not the only one feeling confused about mens need to look at other women even when they are in a committed relationship? I felt hurt understanding my man felt it was perfectly alright to do this. He said:-As long as I am alive and breathing I will look at women. It doesn't mean anything."

I don't understand why. Once I am with a man I love, I don't look at men, not that way, they turn into "people" more than "males" when I am out someplace. I find looking at other men and being attracted to them to be cheating, in a sense. Do you disagree?

It hurts me, and worries me, what if he finds somebody else more attractive than me, if he now allow himself to this behavior? Why set oneself up to this risk? If a man knows it hurts his spouse, why does even a good man consider this to be perfectly allright, and not consider his spouse's feelings? Please reply with any comments, I find it interesting to know how other women feel about this, since I am sure there are plenty of us out there...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 8:36pm
I'm sorry that his looking at other women hurts you so much, but why does it worry you? He is being perfectly honest with you. Would you like it better if he had told you that he would never look at another woman as long as he was alive, then you caught him doing it? Any man who says that is a liar. The question is whether you trust him or not. You said <<"...what if he finds somebody else more attractive than me">> What if he does? Do you think you are the most beautiful woman in the world? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but he probably already has seen someone he finds more physically attractive. Or just attractive in a different way, as men do like variety. The point is that he is with you. He chooses you for your personality, your intelligence, your appearance, and for so many other things. To assume that he is doing it to hurt you is to do him a great disservice. Why do you choose to be with someone if you think that's what he's doing?

<<"Why set oneself up to this risk? ">> What risk are we talking about? Infidelity? Why do you automatically equate looking at a beautiful woman with cheating on you? Why is your self-esteem so low that you can't appreciate that God made all of us beautiful, but unique? Now, I will agree that he should not throw it in your face. If you are uncomfortable and have told him this, then he should respect your wishes and keep his thoughts to himself. But just looking is not harmful, and I would rather know what it is about a particular woman that my dh finds attractive than for him to keep it a secret. I myself can appreciate another woman's beauty without thinking that it detracts from my own. Men are geared to be visual, and they like many different things. Don't let it worry you so much.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:52am
He's committed, not dead...and he's right, as long as he's breathing he's going to look at other women, so get used to it...but for his part, out of respect for you, he should be very discrete.

Mac

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 2:35am
As long as he can see, he's going to use his eyes, and women are part of the landscape. Are you saying you never look at other guys? How can you avoid it? They're everywhere, and I for one thoroughly enjoy giving an especially nice guy who's my type a look.

It depends on what you say by "looking". Is he stopping dead in his tracks to leer at a woman from her head to her toes, giving the middle section a special look-see? That's disrespectful to her and you, and he needs to take it easy if that's the case. We get this question here a lot, and the responses are pretty much the same as a rule. If he's being rude, then he needs to tame it down. But if you're insisting he quit looking, you're fighting a losing battle. He's with you, he could have picked any other woman he LOOKS AT. But he picked you.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 9:21am
Good morning,

I have felt the same way that you do. I don't understand why guys have to make comments at other women if they are totally satisfied. But I hear all the time, this is just part of being a guy. It stinks, but at least they're being honest, which is more than alot of other women have. You are lucky that he tells you all he does! Try hard to hang in there, I know it's hard. But remember you're the one he chose to marry forever!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:26pm
I agree with the other posters! All men look! If he is making it overly obvious, than I would worry. Cheer up! He loves you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 3:40pm
Hi

I understnad how you feel, it is perfectly normal. I Got married last year and my husband is the same and I feel so insecure now that I don't know what to do. Besides this ,my husband lied to me a few days back and said that he is going with company friends for lunch and later on I read one of his emailsthrough which I found out he had actually gone out with this friend of his. I cried a lot when I found out he had lied to me.It hurts aver much when the you person love so much could lie to you about something like that.

Best, Chuni

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 5:40pm
Thanks, your reply helped. You're right.

Some other replies seemed to think that I wanted a blind on my man. That's not what I meant. I meant looking for personal gratification, ogling. That's all,,

Thanks again!

Lena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 7:50pm
When is looking not for personal gratification? You either like what you see or you look away...I think you need to read our replies again. As many of us have said, if he is doing it in a disrespectful way it is not right, but if he has a natural appreciation for a woman's beauty, you need to get over it.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 11:00pm
It is completely unrealistic for you to expect that your b/f, husband, or whoever, stop "looking" at women. Why? As joannaran said, women are "part of the landscape."

Your argument that knowing it hurts you should be enough for him to stop is (and I'm sorry to be harsh here) a cop-out. Because the fact that it hurts you is within YOUR control to stop. It is your insecurity that hurts you, not his behavior.

The dead giveaway is that you also mention that you fear he will find someone more attractive than you. Let's analyse that fear: Do you think that if he is the kind of man who would leave you, that not "looking" would change him into a more trustworthy person? Conversely, if he is the kind of man you can trust, do you think "looking" will turn him into a cheater? Next question: How, exectly, does he stop looking? Does he wear blinders? Does he have to walk around staring at his feet when he is in public? Last question: Do you think other women have that much power?

Here a fact few women know, understand or accept: A good man WILL NOT CHEAT no matter what he is sees, is offered, or is confronted with. Good men are not easy to find. But if you don't have one, the utcome will be the same no matter what YOU do.

What you might ask him to do, is not comment to you about the women he finds attractive - THAT is a reasonable request, and if he respects you he will comply.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 11:09pm
Oh, and one thing: By denying yourself fantasies you are missing not only fun, but the ENHANCEMENT of intimacy with your partner. It is most certainly NOT cheating! However, like all things emotional, you should never do what you are uncomfortable with - so if "looking" and fantasizing give you the guilties, then by all means DON'T do it.

But, you shouldn't deny your b/f that pleasure if he ISN'T uncomfortable with it. And it's unfair of you to ask him to make this sacrifice because you are unwilling or unable to overcome your insecurities.

Lee M.

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