Fight or Flight!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fight or Flight!!!
4
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:00am

I have put this question on some other boards as I am trying to reach out to others who may be able to help....Hi Everybody,
I am new here but I am desperate for a little input into a situation that has me totally crazy! Hope someone has some sage advice! I will try to keep this short but it is kinda complicated ....here goes....

Almost two years ago I met a man via an internet dating sight and much to my surpize we found that chemistry and huge attraction that has kept the relationship going this long.I have always been a little skeptical of internet dating...but here we are! It has evolved and we are in love. I have two sons 15 and 21 and he has two grown kids 28 and 30. So our timing in life is a little off. This has been a huge issue since day one. He said after a couple of dates when we could see it was getting serious that he was not comfortable "inheriting" (at that time my 13 year old) (My son has special needs he is just slightly developmentally delayed, so that is a factor here) My 21 year old is away in College. At that time I explained to him that my children are non-negotioable entities, they are my first priority and that we should go our separate ways if he feels this way.

He said that he really liked me and to give him a chance to try to get used to the situation. I was really falling for him ...so I did. From time to time we have discussed this problem and how it stands in the way of our progress. I have ended the relationship over it in the past but he always comes back and asks for more time to "get used" to it. I must say that he does try i.e. he has taken my son to a baseball game, he is interested in his school progress and and is trying to spend more time with him. My son thinks he is wonderful! I also have to say it is not an easy chore because of my sons developmental problems. There are times when he can be very hard on the nerves. So we are pretty much walking on thin ice when we are all together...not always but most of the time.

Last December I sold my house and bought a home in my BF's neighborhood so we could all be closer and make this work one step at a time. We don't see him (BF) much during the week as he is very dedicated to his job (CEO of a large corporation) My son goes to his father's home every other weekend. So it is not like we are always around each other.

My dream until now has been to be married one day soon and living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with him at night, like other couples who love each other. I have been getting kind of frustrated lately wondering if this whole thing is ever going to work out. I have suggested that my BF spend more time with us perhaps one or two nights during the week. He sometimes does but it always feels a little strained.

Just recently he invited me to join him on a bussiness trip in NYC and I went up on my own to meet him there on a Friday. Well, it just so happened that I sat in first class next to a very attractive man who turned the two and half hour flight into a rather surprising romantic encounter. I will call him RB. RB happens to be a very engaging, highly intelligent man...an attorney... handsome.... great conversationalist and very attracted to me. I told him about my BF and his response was ..."your not married yet and this does not happen to me very often....I feel like I'm 16 again!"
I am 50 years old, I am a pretty good judge of character and I believe him to be sincere. I was flattered, but my committment to my relationship is very strong. When I felt our conversation shifting to a more personal nature I tried to back up but we were on a plane sitting beside each other with no place to escape to!

I spent a wonderful weekend with my BF, however kept thinking about RB and what actually happened during that flight...suddenly feeling kinda scared about the real
strength/weakness of my committment!!! So.... I returned home on the Monday thinking it had all blown over when I recieve a phonecall from RB (I guess I gave him plenty of clues to find me...and he did) He wants to see me again and now I am totally confused! It gave me the impetus to have a crucial conversation with my BF as to what I can expect from our current relationship. In fact I told him I wanted to break up because I just wanted to let go of the struggle to have a relationship with a man who did not seem to have the same level of desire to spend time together as I do. He was very surprised and said that he was not willing to let me go and that he was going to try harder to make the whole thing work...which by the way he did this last weekend by spending extra time with my son and I.

He always says that he will try harder but it does not last in the long run.
My dillemma is that I have been struggling with this relationship because I truly believe I am in love with BF. The fact that a total stranger on a plane could turn my head has me confused. Is it because I am frustrated with present relationship or is it because I met someone whom I was truly attracted to? I have not looked at another man since I met BF.... no one could come close to him for me. There have been a couple of serious opportunities in the last two years, but I wasn't interested at all. I just don't know where to go now....

It is Sunday night I know I won't see BF for most of this next week till Friday. I feel lonely ... not willing to end the relationship but not quite willing to let RB out of my sphere of influence either! I feel guilty about that too. I know that even if I did end my relationship I am not exactly emotionally available for another person right now but perhaps this is a big sign that I should lose some baggage and fly lighter in the world....i just don't know.

Sorry this was so long but that is the story and I need some input. Can anyone shed some light on this for me. Perhaps give me another perspective??? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 7:07pm

Magnolia, I can't offer you a lot of advice except for this:

I also have a son who is disabled (autism) and I know that it can be very hard work. If (heaven forbid) I should ever find myself single again, I would only accept a man who loved my son for who he is and accepted that in all likelyhood, we will be caring for him well into our old age. I would rather be single than having to be constantly worrying about how my son's behaviour may be effecting my partner.

I suggest that you step back and have a critical look at the relationship between your boyfriend and your son. Is this REALLY the man you wish to have helping to raise him? What if you (heaven forbid) got hit by a bus tomorrow - would he step up to the plate and be a great dad to him?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:57pm

While I know it's difficult to have a relationship with a man who is not the biological father of your son and your son is disabled as well, I would think that there would be much better resolution to the problem after two years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:56pm

Welcome to the board, Magnolia2006 ~


I think that you don't know enough about RB to know whether he's a viable candidate for a relationship with you or not. Obviously, things went great during the time you were together, but a few hours is hardly enough to know whether it'll end up moving forward or not. That's not to say it won't, however.....and I know you know all that. I also think "trading" one guy for another is bad business, makes for poor relationships that don't survive, but I'm betting you know that too. What I believe I'm hearing from you is that what you want in life is a husband, a a partner and I've heard you to say you want that with your boyfriend, however, from what I've read it's not really working. It seems to me that from the beginning you've both been clear about what each of you wants and needs, however, those things being brought out in the open, you both continued to ignore your "demands" and go about struggling with those very issues that you said you "had to have" or "weren't ready for" anyway. You talked the talk, but neither of you walked the walk.


I think it's very admirable that your boyfriend continues to struggle to have a good a relationship with your son, however two years of not getting there pretty clearly says he's not going to get there. If it's strained after two days together, can you imagine how long it will be before it's pretty miserable at your house and you're wondering why you've put your son in this heartbreaking situation? You also mentioned that your boyfriend is gone a lot and that schedule doesn't seem to fit what it is you're looking for, at least not as I've read it; it doesn't sound like he'll be around enough to really give you the kind of relationship and companionship you want. Your boyfriend says he'll try harder but that always only lasts a little while. First of all, if this were right, he wouldn't have to "try harder", it would work naturally, smoothly. Secondly, and very importantly, how will that work for a lifetime? How can you consider a lifelong relationship with someone who "tries harder" for a little while because what's happening now isn't good enough? I think a little bit of realistic thinking will tell you pretty quickly that this is a pipe dream, not reality based, right? The fact that you've broken up several times is a huge indicator (IMO) that this isn't a good. strong, solid relationship; if it were there would be no break ups, no question, no conflict. The fact that you'd come back from this trip dazzled (for lack of a better word) by someone else to the point that you'd tell your boyfriend you want to break up absolutely says this relationship is not right for you. I think that you have real feelings for your boyfriend, I think he's very close to what you're looking for, but I think that all this time you've been settling, you've had misgivings and slight unhappiness, doubts and disappointment. This isn't what you really want. If it is you wouldn't be flip-flopping. I think he's close but he's not close enough and you know it. You've been trying to make him fit, you've been working hard to convince yourself he's "the one", but he's not the one who's everything you want. Close, but no cigar. And close is not close enough. The saying goes, "When you settle for less than you want you end up getting much less than you'd thought" and I think that would definitely be the case here; I think you know it too.

Whether RB works out or not (and you should be completely done with your boyfriend before agreeing to meet up with him), your current boyfriend is not right for you or your situation. You wouldn't have to struggle if it were a good relationship and you've struggled plenty -- you're still doing it.

I highly recommend reading the book "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis to help you assess and define your criteria for what's important to you in a relationship; having done that you'll be much better at quickly assessing what doesn't work. But, you don't need the book to know your current relationship is one in which you're both trying to force something to work that clearly isn't going to. Sorry.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:24pm
You gave me a lot of clarity...thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have a lot of thinking to do.
"You wouldn't have to struggle if it were a good relationship and you've struggled plenty -- you're still doing it."....that pretty much sums it up I guess. Thanks..Mag