Fights about discipline

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fights about discipline
12
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 11:47pm

Hi all, new poster here. Married 9 years, kids 7, 4, and 4. I wonder if some of you women could give me some advice here. DW and I have been disagreeing about how we should relate to our kids. This means mainly how SHE should relate to them since I'm in the military and am often gone for extended periods (about 9 months this year). She is always worn out and exasperated from fighting with them. They are not bad kids, they are just doing what kids will do if you let them, and she is not tough enough with them. I don't expect her to be a drill sergeant, but if she had better control of them, life would be easier for everybody, the kids included. I also worry that their lack of discipline will become more serious when they are teenagers, and haunt them as adults too.

My parents have noticed this problem. Her parents have noticed it. My sister has noticed it. Everyone has commented on it. She blames them for judging her. Of course I have noticed it too. I try not to bring it up (first rule of being a husband: the wife is always right), but I can't help getting fuming mad when I see the way the kids disrespect her. Sometimes I try to help, but that only makes her mad. The fact that I'm never home for very long makes it harder for me to be more involved. She says I would feel differently if I were home alone with them for months. Actually, I would, because the kids respect me. I don't have to hit them or anything, I just say what I mean and mean what I say instead of being wishy-washy. Like I said, they are good kids at heart, they just take a mile if you give them an inch, like kids will do.

Specific examples are: the twins are plenty capable of wiping their own butts, but she does it for them when they call out "Mommy, I'm done." She says it's not a big deal, but I think any time your kids are controlling you it's a big deal. Another example: when we have spaghetti, there are always three different ways it has to be served--someone wants butter and soy sauce, someone wants only butter, and someone wants only soy sauce. No one will eat it with spaghetti sauce, and even when it's served according to their demands, sometimes they still won't eat it. Another example: the kids are constantly arguing about everything, with each other and with her. She spends hours of each day arguing. I know none of these problems are serious in and of themselves, but they are far from the only ones, just the first ones I thought of. The cumulative effect of these and other seemingly minor problems is that she is constantly frazzled and the kids are constantly less pleasant than I know they are capable of being.

What should I do? We love each other and our marriage is sacred to both of us, but we are not happy now. I want DW to have a better relationship with the kids, and I want to enjoy being at home when I have the time. But she refuses to consider that it might be her fault that they act the way they act. I can't bring it up without her getting mad at me. This issue is driving a big wedge between us, but I just want what's best for the whole family. Any thoughts?

By the way, I found a book called Family Building by John Rosemond that expresses my feelings exactly, and explains that you have to be in charge of your kids. It seems like common sense to me, but DW is not interested in reading it.

R

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:00am

Flyboy,

You may be very right when you say that your wife is just wanting to vent and not wanting a solution. Next time just let your wife talk herself out. Just let her go on and on and keep the mantra in your head "She just needs to talk." Goodness knows I've done that many a times with my DH. And remember too that SHE is the one who is doing all this. If the kids get up repeatedly and she doesn't want to handle it any differently, that's her call. You can always tell her that if she doesn't want to change it, then she can't complain to you about it, but I REALLY don't recommend that approach. Just let her vent and remember, she doesn't want a solution. What she wants you to do is LISTEN.

And I bet in the military especially it's really hard to take off your "fix the problem" hat. Maybe sometime you can tell her that you spend so much time a day fixing problems that you automatically slip into that mode when she tells you of a problem. Then apologize and ask her if she's wanting you to fix it or wanting to vent.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:56pm

Hey there, Flyboy ~


I agree completely with Jen. I know it's hard to just listen. Heck, for me it would be easier to turn myself inside out than to listen to my wife (ok, husband) vent about an issue that I completely see the solution to and have been watching him bash his head against a brick wall, repeating the same unproductive, non-working cycle over and over again. It would be about more than I could stand and I'm not a guy. Guys are more "fixers" by nature. Women want to sit down and talk about their problems (vent) by verbally going over it they often find the solution themselves and, in truth, often aren't looking for a solution, they just want to vent about it. Guys don't come to others with a problem hardly ever, it's just not something that's done, but when they do talk to someone about a problem you can bet they're looking for help finding a solution. You want to tell your wife how to fix this problem, it's what you guys do, but if you try that, you're going to shut her down and that'll take you longer to get where you want to get with her. I do't envy your position. Try the mantra, remind yourself over and over that you're just there to listen. Try not to listen too intently, it might help if you're not focusing on every aspect of every problem she's talking about. You might throw in some " that sounds really difficult", "I hate that you have no time for yourself, you need and deserve time for you", or other appropriate sympathetic words.


As far as what you said about her not understanding that parents don't have to do and be everything for their kids, what your goal here is (IMO) to provide an environment that she feels she can talk in, then let her go. She can complain all she wants and spend every second of every day jumping every time the kids whine, but eventually (hopefully) she's going to burn out and not be able to continue to do and be all things to them. When she gets to the point that she "just can't do it anymore", and if she feels she can talk to you, she's going to tell you that, and that's when you can say, "so what do you think you can do to get some time for you (or help them be autonomous, or whatever)". If she feels non-judged and she doesn't feel that you're trying to force your method down her throat, she may just start moving in the direction you want her to go on her own. If you're sitting on a fire, eventually you're going to get uncomfortable enough to move, you know? You're just providing a sounding board so that when she gets to that stage she can do so easily. Otherwise, if she feels it's a battle between you or that you're judging her, she's apt to be adamant about sticking to "her way" to prove that she can.


For the record, I totally agree with you on the kids and night time stuff. As soon as my kids were old enough to go to the bathroom by themselves and get a drink by themselves, I made it very clear to them that if they woke up and had to pee or were thirsty they were to handle that on their own, then go back to bed. I also let them know that after they'd been put to bed, unless they were hurt, sick or scared I didn't expect to hear from them until the next morning. People who keep their kids up until 10 p.m. baffle me. Kids go to bed early because they need the sleep AND because grown ups need the down time.


I think seeing a therapist would be an excellent idea for you, a family therapist would be the route to go; someone who's trained not only to work with couples but is also trained and very familiar with kids and how this whole thing is playing out.


How long are you gone for this time out?







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