Fights make me feel like marriage is bad
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| Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:17pm |
When my husband I have blow out fights (once or twice a year, and I mean BLOW OUT), we/I say negative things specifically about our marriage that is heat of the moment, irrational talk. As in, "it's terrible" or "we should get divorced". And I know that is not good. I hate that I do that, but I hate that he throws it right back at me so we are both hurling threats at each other that we don't really mean or ever say during our normal, calm, day-to-day marital state. And I wonder if other couples do that or do we really have a problem?
I think sometimes we isolate ourselves into thinking we are the only married couple who fights big once in a while - and it puts doubt in our marriage. But we are, day-to-day, a happy couple with a great friendship. How do we "practice" not being so mean during these fights when we don't fight like that often enough?

cl-2nd life has some great links to resources that may help you. I"m sure she'll be posting soon.
But in the meantime, I'll offer what DH and I do. We've been together for 13 years. We do disagree on occaision, but we don't fight and have never had a big blow out.
I suppose the secret for us is listening to our partner. We both listen and understand why the partner feels like they do. We just take turns in talking and listening all the way through a disagreement. It's about letting the partner have their full say and not interrupting. You see, people tend to raise their voices if they feel like they're not being heard - so if one listens, the partner (hopefully) won't feel the need to yell.
If we don't understand why each other feels like we do, we gently question until we do understand. That's not to say that we always agree at the end of a discussion! Often compromise is the only solution. But we do appreciate each other's feelings on a matter - and this helps us to compromise.
I don't think that a couple needs to "practice" this as such, it's more about flicking that switch of "respecting each other's opinions"
The problem with ugly words is that they don't disappear with the fight, once they're said, they're stuck in your mind, no apology can remove them. That can be pretty damaging to your relationship and can erode it over time.
Handling problems and issues the way Jen and her husband do is the best, healthiest way to deal with issues. But, we don't all learn such good ways of handling conflict and even if we did, once you get in the habit of getting off track and fighting in a dysfunctional way, it's hard to get back on track; especially when you're feeding off each other -- if one doesn't start it the other will, and it's hard not to react the same old way you've grown accustomed to reacting. It takes dedication, work and yes, practice to get back to a healthy way of dealing with problems.
Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? If you haven't, I think that's your first step. If he agrees and is onboard with resolving this problem and dealing with things in a healthy, proactive way it will be much easier to accomplish. If you haven't talked to him, the best time to do it is when there isn't a problem between you. Tell him you need to talk to him about a problem (that gets his attention and puts him into listening mode rather than defensive mode) and tell him that you're concerned about what the style of fighting you two have evolved into is doing to your marriage. Use "I" statements and don't lay blame. If you both do it, you're both to blame, it's not a matter of "you start it" or, "when you say this I have to say that.." accept that you're both to blame and hopefully you'll agree to work to change that.
There are some great articles on constructive arguing in our Information and Resource section that will help you a lot. It's good information that was given to me by a therapist friend:
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
This is a great lesson plan to help improve your overall communiation style, this might help you a lot too -- these are lessons used in couples counseling (they can seem monotonous and silly, but if you do them, you'll soon see that they're much more helpful and impactful than you'd thought:
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication
A great book that helps you see that your fighting style is like a dance (he says this, you say that in return, like steps in a dance) and offers solutions for ending the "dance" is "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Lerner. .
I will also tell you that if you've gotten into the habit of reacting a certain way, don't expect yourself to succeed the first time (or first several times) you try to use different techniques. Don't be too hard on yourself, allow yourself the failure and continue to work to change it. You didn't become what you have become overnight, you won't change it overnight either. But if you're both willing to work on it, you'll be successful. And if he's not willing, you can still make dramatic changes without him by using the techniques in the articles and in the book.
If you find that it's too much to try to deal with or if you feel you're not making progress, I'd suggest seeing a counselor who's accredited to work in couples counseling to help you resolve this.
Good luck!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"