Finance Has An Ugly Home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2013
Finance Has An Ugly Home
10
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 2:14am

This sounds like an easy thing to remedy, but my fiance lives in a small, sort of hunting shack in the woods. When we started seeing each other, he kept saying it wasn't suitable for even 1 person to live there let alone 2, but he was able to make due.  He makes about $150K a year, but he loves having several acres of property.  Still, it sometimes gets partly flooded, and the home is hardly a home --- he cannot entertain there and although he has lived their for 15 years, he has never had his parents step foot inside --- even while they live fairly close.  Now that he knows I want to marry him, he doesn't want to move, but has other plans that are more important to him.  He says we would build a house on that property, but that is IF he gets some other loan paid off in a few months, then takes out another loan, and THEN for some reason, he wouldn't be able to start building a new home until AFTER we are married for a little over a year and a half, and then it would take 5 months to build.

I'm not sure what to say, think or do about this situation.  The place has termites and an old carpet (I've never seen the inside of the place but he doesn't wish for me to see it yet) and underneath is concrete* (*this is in a place where well beneath the soil it is practically all water, so no basements).

I am willing to compromise:  I said we don't have to go on a honeymoon.  Let's put the money, instead, towards fixing up the place.  He said it isn't a permanent solution to live in this place so he doesn't want to put any money in it, besides, his youngeer brother took hhis wife on a vacations.  It is starting to make me feel like as long as he has me, my feelings don't matter.  What should I do or say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 2:13am

yes, the unibomber was.  I know I am late to this matter, but it sounds like he has some problems that you are overlooking for the sake of "getting married".  It also sounds like he doesn't want to be married.. Hence he has the shack that you can't put foot into and then he builds an obstacle course around getting married. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 10:46am

Yes wasn't the Unibomber living in some kind of shack in the woods somewhere?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 10:49pm
I think this goes a lot deeper than your feelings not mattering. This is weird, really weird, creepy weird. You've never been in his home? His parents who live nearby have never set foot in his home and he's lived there 15 years? Red flags all over the place and they're not about the condition of the home. How long have you been together? Where do you see each other? How old are each of you?

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 6:20pm

You are already feeling something is not right here.  If you're really going to get married and spend your lives together, there are a lot of things the two of you should talk about and need to talk about, and money is one of them.  You need to understand quite clearly exactly what his financial situation IS, not just hear from him he owes money.  I agree totally if he earns 150K per year, something is wrong if he's living in an uninhabitable shack somewhere.  It's fine if he likes living in the boonies and in his head is already planning to build a house there, but until that happens, where does that leave you?  He doesn't want you to set foot in his place, and your place is there, just waiting for the two of you to live in until the rest improves.  Meaning....I agree that something is indeed fishy here.  Don't be SHY about any of this, you don't want red flags flying before you even get married, right?  Talk this out, insist on seeing his dive, know precisely what you're getting into.  Many of us didn't have so many important discussions ahead of time, I'm one of them, you do not want to be another one of them, trust me.  You have a lot of crap that needs to get worked out NOW, don't even consider moving forward until things get resolved. 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 8:38pm

   Just be cautious.  He is bringing land and his income.  What are you bringing to the table?  I read "I want".  Not I have this to give.  So Money and how it is spent may be a very big issue.  I suggest he likes his  place and his privacy.  He also has long range plans.  Choosing to partner withsome one who is very different in thinking and outlook is problematical.  What is the rush to get married anyway? 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 12:10am

I would be asking when does the next bus leave town?  Why would you want to marry someone who lives in a dump, who SAYS he makes a lot of money (have you seen a pay stub or tax return?) but can't afford to live anywhere execpt this hovel?  What are these loans he has?  Somthing smells fishy about the whole situation.  He has to take you on a honeymoon because his brother took his wife on vacation?  Tell him to call you when the house is ready, and then you can make wedding plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 11:56am

I would not move forward with any wedding plans, until you both have sat down and worked out your future finances with a financial planner.

It also sounds like premarital counseling would be beneficial to you both as well.  From what you described, there doesn't seem to be much in common, when it comes to lifestyle goals and how to acheive them.

How long have you been in a relationship with your fiancee?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 11:56am

I would not move forward with any wedding plans, until you both have sat down and worked out your future finances with a financial planner.

It also sounds like premarital counseling would be beneficial to you both as well.  From what you described, there doesn't seem to be much in common, when it comes to lifestyle goals and how to acheive them.

How long have you been in a relationship with your fiancee?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 10:41am

I would certainly not agree to live in a place that I had never seen--if he won't even let you inside, it's probably even worse than you think.  As far as his plans to pay off debt, etc., do you really understand his financial situation?  I would think if you're marrying someone, finances have to be clear.  Although he earns $150,000, you also have to know how much debt he has--maybe buying this property cost a lot and he has a lot of debt. There might be some good financial reason for him to wait until his current loan (for buying the property?) is paid off before he takes on new debt to build a house.  I also agree--why can't the 2 of you live where you live now?  I would just make it clear to him that you will not live in the "shack" so that if building a new house right now is not feasible and he can't afford to build a new house, then you have to explore other options like renting.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 7:52am

Single4_2Long wrote:
<p>This sounds like an easy thing to remedy, but my fiance lives in a small, sort of hunting shack in the woods. When we started seeing each other, he kept saying it wasn't suitable for even 1 person to live there let alone 2, but he was able to make due.  He makes about $150K a year, but he loves having several acres of property.  Still, it sometimes gets partly flooded, and the home is hardly a home --- he cannot entertain there and although he has lived their for 15 years, he has never had his parents step foot inside --- even while they live fairly close.  Now that he knows I want to marry him, he doesn't want to move, but has other plans that are more important to him.  He says we would build a house on that property, but that is IF he gets some other loan paid off in a few months, then takes out another loan, and THEN for some reason, he wouldn't be able to start building a new home until AFTER we are married for a little over a year and a half, and then it would take 5 months to build.<br /><br />I'm not sure what to say, think or do about this situation.  The place has termites and an old carpet (I've never seen the inside of the place but he doesn't wish for me to see it yet) and underneath is concrete* (*this is in a place where well beneath the soil it is practically all water, so no basements).</p><p>I am willing to compromise:  I said we don't have to go on a honeymoon.  Let's put the money, instead, towards fixing up the place.  He said it isn't a permanent solution to live in this place so he doesn't want to put any money in it, besides, his youngeer brother took hhis wife on a vacations.  It is starting to make me feel like as long as he has me, my feelings don't matter.  What should I do or say?</p>

Is there something wrong with where you currently live that you two cannot call it your home for the time being?

 I also fail to see what him not wanting to turn a crumbling shack into your dream home has to do with your feelings.  One can also say it  looks like you're wanting to blow money needlessly and don't care about his feelings.  He's got some financial goals he needs to address before he can turn money toward building a house.  

I would say hold off on marriage until he's out from under this debt load, so that you're not also legally obligated to pay it.