Financial Question.......
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| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 3:40pm |
DH and I were recently married. I moved into his home. It's a different situation because the home belongs to a very good lifelong friend of his. DH is in the will to live there long as DH lives, and then the home will return to the friends family, as it's been in that family for many years. So, in the event of DH's death, I would basically be homeless. It is a wonderful farm though where we live and a great house. I wouldn't want to move.
Also DH left his ex with everything. Of course she gets half the retirement, 401K etc. He also left her the house and everything in it. He moved with nothing. In their divorce decree it states that she gets half of everything, and that the other half goes to his 2 kids. (both are of legal age)
I have an inexpensive house that I moved from when I came to his town. I currently rent it out. I took a cut in pay to move here, and the rent makes up the difference so it's really not extra money. We live pretty much pay check to pay check like most people, although we do have extra from time to time for weekend getaways and such. We bought a new motorcycle and we each pay 1/2 the payment. I pay for my own car, insurance, credit card, etc and we split the groc about 50/50.
I had a good friends husband pass away suddenly. If that should happen, I don't want to be selfish but the ex and kids are set. I'm not greedy in any way but don't want to be homeless, and get nothing from him. The kids and ex would be set and I would owe all the funeral expenses and bills. I feel he should decide exactly what to leave his kids, and then put the rest in my name. I also feel that if it's not a very large amount to me that he should pay for a life insurance policy to me on him. Is this fair? My retirement is in his name already, as is a very small policy from my job. I will also put his name on the house deed so that he will get that in the event of my death. Of course he'd get all my possessions. He gave the ex all their furniture and possessions except for a bedroom set.
It's not really anything we've discussed as we were both self sufficient when we met and pretty much have always split things and kept our own bills to ourselves. How do I tactfully bring up the subject of putting things in my name rather than the kids without sounding greedy or as if I don't want his kids to get anything. Since they are in the divorce decree to get the 2nd half of his things, can he even now change it over to me?
I pride myself on being self sufficient and at this time if he should die, as long as I had enough to pay funeral expenses, I could support myself otherwise. If he should die when I am 60 though I wouln't be in as good a position of packing up, moving, and starting over.
Any suggestions on bringing up this topic, or what to do financially in this situation?
I know that a policy on a 47 year old man who chews tobacco isn't going to be cheap at all. Thanks for your suggestions!!!

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I do not believe that any agreements, with respect to what anyone will do with their property upon death (i.e., their will) can be binding. In other words, you can agree with someone, say in the case of a divorce, that you will leave them everything in exchange for X, yet you are still free to change your will to something else with that property at any time. I work in this field and have had similar situations and advised clients that those agreements are not binding and a person is always free to change their own will without the permission of anyone else.
So, I believe that no matter what they agree to previously, with respect to his will and where he leaves his assets can be changed later by him. Still, many would feel a moral obligation to do what they've agreed to. Also, people are free to sue the estate to get what they feel they are owed and, of course, legal fees can (and often do) eat up what was in the estate so that nothing actually goes to where the dead person intended.
He is free to change his will any time, with or without his ex-wifes permission to what ever he really wants.
Now, with respect to division of the assets that they had at the time of divorce, well that is what it is (if they agreed that she gets the house and she gets 1/2 of his pension plans then that's how it is divided).
As far as your concern about being homeless if he dies before you, well IMO that is being overdramatic. You need to begin to provide for yourself (as you say you always have). If you've been provided for yourself in the past, you should (IMO) look at your current living situation as a gift and see to it that you can provide for yourself should something happen to him. I think you will find that term insurance policies are affordable.
There are lots of estate planning options available to the two of you. I would suggest that you begin to research those (if you can't afford an attorney) youself. I think a simple statement that you'd like to see to it that both of your estate plans are in place now and reflect both of your wishes would get the ball rolling with him. It should be something that all married couples do together.
Also, I think Spice man gave you good advice about the funeral expenses. They are an expense of his estate, so they will come from the estate, just like any other expense of his estate (like legal fees), if he so chooses. You can't be forced to pay these expenses, although you can if you want.
Lastly, you recieved advice to as for a six month period from the owner to get your affairs in order, should he die. IMO, that would be tacky. There will be some period of time (required by law, I'm sure) to allow you to move out. You should plan accordingly, IMO to do just that. He may wish to ask his friend for this for you, and if he does, that's fine. It just sounds to me like his friend is being very generous and I just think it is tacky to ask for more in a situation like that. JMHO.
Good luck.
Hi lled2,
Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.
I do want to say that I'm not suggesting that I'll be homeless, as in I'll have to live on the street or anything. I'm only suggesting that if I die, he will not be uprooted to find a new home and have the expense of that home. From watching my best friend lose her husband suddenly, I know how hard the greiving process is (I know I would be devastated) and trying to find a new home, move, and find a way to finance that home would be really hard while you are grieving and planning funeral arrangments. That's a situation I don't want to be in.
I also want to make it clear I am not asking him to take everything from his kids and leave it to me. I want his 2 kids to get something when he dies, and I want my daughter to get something when I die. My point was that when they divorced (4 years before meeting me) he had written it to where the ex got 1/2 of what they had in retirement (at that time only) and I feel that's totally fair. The other half he made the kids the beneficiary. So, you are saying that this is not set in stone and can be changed according to his will? I don't want to do away with it, just change it some to meet our current situation and needs now that we are married.
I feel like I've gotten some great advice and have learned some things I did not know. Thank You!!!
I don't think anyone wants to find themselves in the situation of having to deal with the death of a dear love one then at the same time having to deal with the financial and life issues that come along at that time. You are a step ahead of many (if not most) people that don't want to think or plan for that very situation.
::Your question:: So, you are saying that this is not set in stone and can be changed according to his will? I don't want to do away with it, just change it some to meet our current situation and needs now that we are married.
Actually, I think the papers with the 401K/IRA people determine where that goes, regardless of what the will says. So, he would need to change the beneficiary or allocation to beneficiaries if he chooses to change where it goes. Which, by the way, I think he could do regarless of the divorce agreement (morality issues aside). Heck, he could withdrawl the funds and spend them himself (which is what it is for).
Talk to him about the two of you doing your estate plans together. Don't talk about any of the specifics of what you want him to do with his part. At least not now, the process should get those discussions going when the time is right.
Like I said, I think it is great you want to do this. Most people don't want to and even more are unwilling to face their own mortality and use the tools that are out there to make a difficult time a bit less difficult. Some just don't care, because they know the'll be dead (seriously).
lled2,
Thanks for all the advice. Well, I certainly hope DH sticks around a long time so I don't have to deal with this. He started walking this morning. That's a plus.
I think my wanting to be prepared just comes from watching others go through the deaths of loved ones. As I said, my best friend lost her DH at a very young age. Her grieving process took at least a year, and that was while staying in their home with their things.
Then at an older age my bosses Mom just died and she's been helping her elderly father through it, no insurance or anything like that. No matter what age you are, I feel like it's a guarantee in life that one of a couple will die leaving the other to deal with the issues, everyone should try and prepare as much as possible. In my present situation I also know it would be a mess, so I appreciate all your advice to get myself and DH as prepared as possible. I also know though that as you said, some people just don't care and I can't expect DH to feel exactly the same as I do about it all, so I wanted to approach him informed, and you've given me some very good ideas to do that.
Thanks
::I also know though that as you said, some people just don't care and I can't expect DH to feel exactly the same as I do about it all,
So nice to hear such a healthy comment on this board. Really, sometimes it seems everyone is screwed up (including myself) when you read on these boards.
To read that even though this is (understandably) very important to you, you guide you expectations to understand that it just might not be so important to him. That has the makings of a healthy relationship all over it. I just hope he is half as understanding as you are when you go through the process and you should be ahead of 99.5%+ (including me) of the public when it comes to planning for what you KNOW is coming one day.
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