First time here...(sorry so long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
First time here...(sorry so long)
3
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 6:41pm
need someone to talk to and maybe get some helpful advice/support.

My fiance, "Brad" and I are engaged and are expecting our first child in a few months. He has two young children from a previous marriage. Things with us have been going well, but I believe things started changing when we found out about the baby.

Lately, he has has been communicating a lot with his ex via email, though he denies it, and hides things from me. He says he can't talk to me, but he can talk to her because she understands and knows him. I know he discusses our relationship with her and that bothers me, he tells me that she doesn't have an opinion or advice about it, but I know she puts things in his head to make him think. They were married for about 12 years and we have been together for only two and I think he should give me the chance like he did with her when they got together. He is not giving me a chance to be there for him and listen to his feelings, instead he is going to her because of what they had. That really hurts me and I don't know what to do about that.

He lied to me about going over after dropping off the kids (we get them every other weekend) and having dinner. He told me he was going to a friends house for a BBQ, when in reality, he stayed over there and then went to the friend's house. I had a hunch when I tried to call him and he didn't have his phone on. Four hours went by and I left message after message. Right then and there I just KNEW he was there at her house (this happened before last year when we broke up and he did the same thing) and I wasn't going to let that happen...AGAIN. Finally he came home and his excuse was that he didn't want to hear me nag at him, but that is a bunch of crap. I told him what if something happened to me and the baby, he'd be the first person I call. He finally came clean about that, but denies it was planned. NOW, we have the kids this weekend and for Father's Day, I wanted to take him out to dinner after he drops off the kids, but turns out, the ex-wife invited him a while back for dinner, sooo, he turns ME down for HER. We got into a heated arguement and he said the reason why he wants to go is because he WANTS to and ENJOYS it there. That hurt and really pissed me off. I mean just because it's Father's Day and we already have the kids and I even asked him to keep the kids one more night so he can have dinner at OUR household. Two more hours isn't going to change anything, but I think he is doing it more for her instead of the kids (he is involved in the kid's lives and is a good dad). He is still going even though it hurts me and our relationship and no matter how much I tell him that, he acts like he doesn't care. Brad asked me if there was one thing that I miss, wouldn't I want to go back to it one more time? I said yes and then I would want to go back and do again because I miss it so much. He was using that as an example about the "family" thing and being there at HER house and how he misses that. He already has been there and this will be the SECOND time. We had this discussion last year and he told me it wouldn't happen again, but it is and I'm afraid he is going to do it again. I know this sounds stupid, but I put a relationship contract together for him to sign about all this having him promise me certain things because we are having this issue. I am tired of saying that we talked about it last year and you said type thing, now I will have it on paper and I can hold it to him and he can't change his mind because of what HE wants.

I know his kids are priority over me, but when he put HER over ME, that pushed me too far. I told him because of his decision, things will NOT be the same and he will have to earn his trust with me. He doesn't understand the repercussions and is going to do what he wants. I want to be with him and he says he wants to be with me, but I think he is not sure what he wants. This baby has changed our life, but I don't know if it was for good or bad. It was a mutual decision, but he did it more for me...I was hurt when he told me that. I use to be afraid to talk about the baby stuff because of how he felt, but now I am talking more about the baby to remind him that WE ARE having a baby together and WE ARE engaged. I told him that I think his ex is using their "friendship" as way to get back with him and is using her emotions AND the kids to get him back, of course he doesn't see it like that. I told him that him going over there is sending mixed messages to the kids and her and that's not right. Being stubborn like he is, I don't think he sees that.

Thanks for letting me share, I needed to get that off my back and this was the best place I could go to.

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 6:46pm
I was hoping someone could give me some help, so I am stuck here frustrated while he is over there and I'm writing to you all...

Brad is off dropping off the kids and he will be at the ex's house for dinner while I am stranded at home wondering why he turned me down for dinner and is staying there. He thinks it's a joke because he has this stupid grin on face like it's no big deal. I mentioned the "relationship contract" and he said he wouldn't want to read/sign it because he CAN'T promise me that it won't happen again. Friends say what he is doing is wrong and if he cared anything about me, he would have said no to her. Family thinks the same plus more and wonders why I am so nice and have put up with it. He has done this twice and I told him IF he does this again he out of my life (you know the 3 strikes thing). I tried telling him what I see and see a lonely desperate woman who finally sees what she can't have and since she knows him so well, she is using the kids and his weaknesses against him to get him back. I am NOT going to let that happen. I told him to distance himself from her so we can get back on track with OUR relationship and that he needs to remind her about OUR relationship AND the baby.

I will keep you posted, but was hoping someone could give me some helpful advice.

Thanks again,

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 6:46am
Dear T: Although there is nothing you can do to change the outcome of the choices you have made, I think you need to understand that what you are describing should have been obvious last year. You ignored the facts before you, allowed yourself to get pregnant, and now you are going to have deal with those realities and so will your child.

You can call this man your "fiance," but that doesn't MAKE him be the man who is going to marry you, baby or no baby. Indeed, considering his behavior and what he has told you, marrying him would be extremely foolish. It will NOT change his behavior or "make things better."

The only good thing I read in your post is that he is a good dad and seems to care about his kids. That means you MIGHT be able to count on him to support the baby emtionally and other wise. But, frankly, I don't see much else coming from him.

The best advice I can give youis to prepare yourself, emotionally and financially, to be a single mom. You owe this not only to yourself, but to your child.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 11:32am
I've been in a situation like yours and it's not easy. You're basically dealing with a man who's not finished with his previous relationship and is simply not fully available for a new one. I had to leave over it. There's a second wives board somewhere on iVillage and those women will definitely be able to relate to what you're going through. It doesn't matter if you're married to him or not. There are also several books on the market for second wives or marriages which cover these issues you're having too. You can do a search on Amazon to see what they are. You definitely shouldn't have to put up with coming second to an ex-wife. With my ex, I don't even know why he bothered to get divorced. The two of them couldn't stay away from each other. They were constantly "working" on their relationship behind my back. One of his best friends finally decided to tell me about what they were doing and about some "dates" they had had to "see where things went". All the while he was totally lying to me. And when I confronted him, he was never remorseful that he did it, only angry that he got caught. A lot of divorced men are this way I've found. They think they're entitled to have their cake and eat it too. They don't care how you feel about it. You have to be really careful with them and make sure that they are grown up enough to move on before you get too involved. And when you've talked til you're BLUE in the face with a person about what's appropriate and acceptable, which what he's doing is NOT, then you just have to stop wasting your breath eventually. The only thing that gets through to those kind of people is ACTIONS. Like if you SAY that you can't accept it, yet he does it over and over anyway, you have to DEMONSTRATE that you won't. Like kick him out. Change the locks. Close the door on him until he can decide which woman he wants. If he loves it so much being with her at her house, let him go stay with her. This guy is sneaky and deceitful and very selfish. You might want to reconsider your engagement to him, do you really want to maintain the promise of commitment to a guy who's clearly invested in someone else, misses someone else and doesn't deserve your promise of commitment? If he can't get over his life with her, you're never going to have a good life with him. Second wife doesn't mean second best.