First time here...(sorry so long)
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|Thu, 06-12-2003 - 6:41pm|
My fiance, "Brad" and I are engaged and are expecting our first child in a few months. He has two young children from a previous marriage. Things with us have been going well, but I believe things started changing when we found out about the baby.
Lately, he has has been communicating a lot with his ex via email, though he denies it, and hides things from me. He says he can't talk to me, but he can talk to her because she understands and knows him. I know he discusses our relationship with her and that bothers me, he tells me that she doesn't have an opinion or advice about it, but I know she puts things in his head to make him think. They were married for about 12 years and we have been together for only two and I think he should give me the chance like he did with her when they got together. He is not giving me a chance to be there for him and listen to his feelings, instead he is going to her because of what they had. That really hurts me and I don't know what to do about that.
He lied to me about going over after dropping off the kids (we get them every other weekend) and having dinner. He told me he was going to a friends house for a BBQ, when in reality, he stayed over there and then went to the friend's house. I had a hunch when I tried to call him and he didn't have his phone on. Four hours went by and I left message after message. Right then and there I just KNEW he was there at her house (this happened before last year when we broke up and he did the same thing) and I wasn't going to let that happen...AGAIN. Finally he came home and his excuse was that he didn't want to hear me nag at him, but that is a bunch of crap. I told him what if something happened to me and the baby, he'd be the first person I call. He finally came clean about that, but denies it was planned. NOW, we have the kids this weekend and for Father's Day, I wanted to take him out to dinner after he drops off the kids, but turns out, the ex-wife invited him a while back for dinner, sooo, he turns ME down for HER. We got into a heated arguement and he said the reason why he wants to go is because he WANTS to and ENJOYS it there. That hurt and really pissed me off. I mean just because it's Father's Day and we already have the kids and I even asked him to keep the kids one more night so he can have dinner at OUR household. Two more hours isn't going to change anything, but I think he is doing it more for her instead of the kids (he is involved in the kid's lives and is a good dad). He is still going even though it hurts me and our relationship and no matter how much I tell him that, he acts like he doesn't care. Brad asked me if there was one thing that I miss, wouldn't I want to go back to it one more time? I said yes and then I would want to go back and do again because I miss it so much. He was using that as an example about the "family" thing and being there at HER house and how he misses that. He already has been there and this will be the SECOND time. We had this discussion last year and he told me it wouldn't happen again, but it is and I'm afraid he is going to do it again. I know this sounds stupid, but I put a relationship contract together for him to sign about all this having him promise me certain things because we are having this issue. I am tired of saying that we talked about it last year and you said type thing, now I will have it on paper and I can hold it to him and he can't change his mind because of what HE wants.
I know his kids are priority over me, but when he put HER over ME, that pushed me too far. I told him because of his decision, things will NOT be the same and he will have to earn his trust with me. He doesn't understand the repercussions and is going to do what he wants. I want to be with him and he says he wants to be with me, but I think he is not sure what he wants. This baby has changed our life, but I don't know if it was for good or bad. It was a mutual decision, but he did it more for me...I was hurt when he told me that. I use to be afraid to talk about the baby stuff because of how he felt, but now I am talking more about the baby to remind him that WE ARE having a baby together and WE ARE engaged. I told him that I think his ex is using their "friendship" as way to get back with him and is using her emotions AND the kids to get him back, of course he doesn't see it like that. I told him that him going over there is sending mixed messages to the kids and her and that's not right. Being stubborn like he is, I don't think he sees that.
Thanks for letting me share, I needed to get that off my back and this was the best place I could go to.