Fixable or beyond repair?
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| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:27pm |
I have been with my bf 6 months. Because I have been in love with him for least 2 months now, about a month ago, I sort of asked him about our future (and implicitly asked if he was planning on saying those three words anytime soon). In response he said "I need more time but it will happen soon. Obviously I wouldn't be in this relationship if I didn't see a potential future together." I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. I should have realized that everything was pretty great in our relationship and allowed him some time.
Instead, over the next few weeks, I grew frustrated, started a few little tiffs with him and became a bit clingy/needy - not disastrously so but apparently enough to affect him. Then, July 4th weekend while drunk at a friend's romantic beach house, I broke down. I cried hysterically and told him that it's too hard for me to hold back my feelings and wait for him to catch up emotionally. This time, his response was different. While he still maintained that he needs time and he's scared (he's never been in a serious relationship before and I have been in several), he ALSO told me he's feeling pressure from me, he's noticing that I get upset so easily, and he feels like things were progressing for him and then they just halted. Worst of all, he told me that he cares a lot about me and thinks I'm amazing but he just doesn't feel love for me yet and perhaps that means we're not right for each other. I asked him several times if all this meant that he wanted to break up but he repeatedly said "no."
Now things just feel different. He still calls me a ton and we spend lots of time together and there are still great moments between us (the weekend after July 4th we had his friend's wedding and b/w the romantic vibe and our awful July 4th, I really felt he was trying to make things up to me by giving me compliments and being especially affectionate through the night) . But overall, that beach conversation weighs on me. My confidence has plummeted and my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I was so comfortable and confident about us and now I see this wall forming between us. Though I'm trying to stay positive and show him my best side (the beach convo was a HUGE wake up call that I need to curb my needy side and stop with the dumb tiffs - I really see how my behavior the past month has sabotaged the relationship), on the inside I'm constantly replaying the beach conversation and pessimistically overanalyzing his every move.
One minute I'm confident that we can work things out and get back on track and the next minute we seem doomed. Plus I'm starting to wonder whether we're just too different emotionally (he's very closed off emotionally and I'm extremely emotionally open and loving) for this to ever work. I know that I deserve someone who feels 100% about me and someone who can put up with a couple fights and a rough patch here and there. Perhaps it's best if we go our separate ways BUT it's also killing me to think that my pressure and nagging may have turned something wonderful into a huge mess. So what do posters think - is this relationship savable, beyond saving or not worthy of saving? Thanks so much!!!

I think you have got it....you are sobotaging this relationship. Whether or not it is salvagable depends on whether you can stop sabotaging it. Everytime you come across as needy or irrational or nagging or emotionally unstable you are confirming what were probably only small doubts early in the relationship and turning them into major fears. Has this type of behavior been a problem for you in past relationships??? If so you need to not worry as much about trying to salvage this relaitonship as get focused on what your issues are and get them respolved so you can have a heathy relaitonship with this guy or someone else.
Good luck, P.
Missyleigh, I want to give my comments in context with the other posts we've made on Is It Meant To Be? http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmrright&msg=6129.1 I want other posters to know that I'm not pulling my comments out of thin air.
One of the things that has me confused is that initially you said he was starting the tiffs, and now you say that you are. Which is true? Or are you both overly picky with each other?
That aside, given that he's pulling away and says that he doesn't love you - I'd not be putting a lot of hope into the future of the relationship. If I were you, I'd be moving on.
It's impossible to comment on your situation without knowing which is correct, what you describe here, the situation you describe in your post on "Is It Meant to Be" board that Aisha linked in her response, or if a third version is closer to the truth.
How old are you?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't know if you caught missy's reply to me on the Is It Meant To Be board http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmrright&msg=6129.3
But she said that she's 27.
This post also contains yet another very different version of the relationship. We've now got 3 different versions and I am quite unsure which one is near to the truth. I'm thinking that Missy is in a very confused emotional place at present (no offence intended, Missy)
Missy, please forgive me for cross referencing your posts, but the best way for us to help you is if we have a really clear idea of your situation. The more info the better.
No offense taken. I guess I am in a pretty confused emotional state. All three posts are "correct" though the most recent post about our July 4th conversation gives the clearest picture into my situation. At it's core, things with my bf were great and now I feel distance between us (post 1). However, things b/w us are by no means beyond saving, he still shows me some affection and gives me the impression that he wants to be in this relationship (post 2 - my response to a poster's response on post 1).
Since July 4th I have been acting as if my bf's change in behavior was an unexpected shift in his personality - that he just did a complete 180 and changed his feelings for me without warning. I have been feeling extremely vulnerable and out of control. I have been feeling bad for myself. However, it REALLY hit me yesterday that my "episodes" of nagging him and pressuring him in the last month have played a HUGE part in where our relationship is today. (Hence post 3). He has been pulling away because I have been scaring him off!! Now I see that if I can change my behavior by taking the pressure off of my bf and being happy, casual and fun to be around again (as I was for 4.5 months of our relationship), that maybe this relationship can be saved and he will stop pulling away.
I realize the discrepency in my posts and apologize for the confusion. Unfortunately, my own head has been rather confused and my confidence in the relationship has flucuated.
Edited 7/18/2006 1:59 pm ET by missyleigh41
Missy, I have to tell you, reading the first post you posted on this board, I honestly thought I was reading the post of a 17-year old, not a 27 year old. What's behind your "episodes"? Is the behavior and thinking we saw in your posts something that you feel and exhibit on occasion? Have you reacted this way in previous relationships? You mentioned that you have been in several serious relationships and that he has been in none, as though that explained why he wasn't ready to avow his love for you. Do you really think having been in previous relationships makes you more aware of your feelings or that because he's not been in previous serious relationships that he can't identify or verbalize feelings of love? How many serious relationships have you been in? How long have they lasted? Do you have a tendency toward feeling insecure?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"