Flirting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Flirting...
5
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 5:44pm

Good night! I would like your´re opinion on the following subject. I have been together with my boyfriend for 8 years and we have a baby of 6 months. During our relationship we had 3 our 4 major discussions because of his behavior. I found out that he would chat with women in the net and gave then his phone number and text them. In the firsts discussions I confronted him and told him what I felt and that this was a wrong behavior. He agreed with me and told me he never cheated on me and that it was just talking. Said he would never do it again. After a while I saw that he kept on doing it again on the net and that the testing continued. I did´t told him anything because I would have to admit that I was spying. I couldn't also see what he would say to this women, so I let things go along. I admit that if I idiot spy on him I wouldn't suspect on him because he's always at home or working and doesn't have much time to have encounters. A month ago I came home and opened his PC and saw his facebook page opened. He forgot to  log out. I went to snoop his messages and found messages with women that he met on the net. He would say to them things like I would like to make you a massage, I'm going to phone you, and other flirting things. I was crushed. All the fears I had came alive. I immediatly phoned him and said to him to come home because I neded to talk to him. He came and I said to him what were this messages, what a real was going on. He was surprised and didn't said nothing. I said our marriage was over because this was cheating and he had lyed to me after saying he would never do that again. I asked why he did this. He said that maybe he had a problem, a fixation. I said that this was the end of our marriage. He saw that I was serious and tried to ask me for forgiveness. I said I couldn't accept this. Then he said he would kill himself because he didn't want to break up with me and leave his son. I stoped him and he cryed a lot. That night we didn't talked more. In the following days we didnt talked much. I wanted to think about leaving or not. He said to me that he would never do this again and that he didn't cheated on me. I didn't spoke to him for a week. After that time I decided to forgive him for the behalf of my son and because I belived that he would stop and that nothing happened phisically. What are your opinions? Do you believe he's going to stop?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 1:34am
I agree with Glenn, Musiclover and UK Girl. He isn't sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught. Time and therapy will only help if he wants to change things and/or himself and repair the damage he's done. He doesn't want to change, if he did he would have stopped when you talked before. Threatening suicide isn't a sign he's serious about changing anything, it's a ploy to keep you from leaving -- emotional blackmail. Silence doesn't indicate he wants change, it's avoiding the issue hoping you'll drop it and things I'll go back to normal. If he wanted to change and fix things he'd TALK about it, he'd suggest therapy and/or other real actions that will help resolve the issues. Silence is avoidance and avoidance is just wanting things to die down so he can go back to the same as before.

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 8:32pm

Since you have had several discussions about this issue before and nothing changed I doubt he will change now--he will probably be better at not getting caught.  He is maniuplating you by threatening to commit suicide if you leave him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 8:50am

Stating that he would kill himself if you left him highlights just how immature and needy he really is. In fact, that is about as over the top as it gets.

So, based on where he is right now in his life, I can safely assure you that he will continue to talk to other women.