forgivable mistake or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
forgivable mistake or not?
50
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm

My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.

So confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 1:01am
Taking those steps into that first appointment are the hardest, for sure. I hope you're planning to make a call rather than just appear at a group, right? I would expect there'd be a one-on-one with the therapist before being allowed to join the group. I do understand how difficult it is to start; but I'll bet you you'll be like me, once you get started you'll look forward to them and will wish you'd started long ago. I see you recognize your past relationship is getting in the way of your present relationship, a clear indicator that it's time to clear the junk!


I'm glad to know he offered to get an apartment in the same city, that's good, much, much better than wanting to move in as I thought! I know it can't be easy living 200 miles apart and leads to a lot of unknown too, his drinking and his fidelity are much more easily hidden long distance. I know he's been very honest about his infidelity, but please know that the most honest and upright man will lie about his addiction. He won't lie about anything else, but he'll lie to protect that.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 8:25am

It sounds like you are both on the right track, and I agree that you shouldn't move in together at this point. Maybe your college has free counseling?

If you want to stay in the relationship, I would give it my all and expect no less from him. It sounds good that you are talking about it. I think that time will tell. You may find that in a few months, you can't get past this, he may start drinking uncontrollably again, etc. Or you may be closer than ever before. He should be doing things for you 24/7 right now. I would also ask yourself and him if any of this had to do with the problems you were going through at the time. You deserve someone who will support you through tough times, not walk away. So I would wait and reassess in a few months. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:02pm
Thank you, I really appreciate everyone's opinions/advice. I think that my b/f and I both want to get past this together more than anything else, and I also think it's good that we are expressing our feelings about it so much right now and not pushing them back because they hurt so badly. It's also resulted in discussions about our past individual issues that we hadn't made known before. He really is trying to pay much more attention to me, although now he has to work double shifts for a while to make up for the time off he took. There's no quick fix, that's for sure, and only time will reveal if we can get through this or not, but I really hope things will be allright. He just found out today that he's being called in for a "final interview" with an oil company, the job would pay close to twice what he's currently making and it has great opportunity for advancement; but it means that he will not be able to move to my city and we will have to wait at least a year and a half to be closer than 200 miles apart, since it's not possible for me to transfer schools. Maybe that length of time will be enough to get through this, but I'm also worried that I may be needier than that and the distance will eventually prove to be too much. I just want things to go back to the way they were before he told me what he did, but I know deep down that our problems would surface at some point and maybe it's better to get as much as possible taken care of earlier rather than later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 3:54pm
I think you're right on all counts, and I understand wishing you could go back to how it was before he told you, but the truth is, how it seemed it was before isn't how it really was at all. What you're wishing for didn't really exist. Been there.


What is it that makes you concerned that you'll be needier than to be able to continue a long distance relationship if he gets this job?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:59pm
I'm not sure exactly, but I have a couple of things that I can think of. Right now, he's living with his sister and her family, if he gets this job she expects him to move out within 6 months. This would mean an apartment on his own; and I'm already insecure about what happened, it just seems like his own place would leave a lot more potential for further "mistakes". Also, because of my health problems (whatever they turn out to be) I feel that I will be more stressed and possibly less able to do the physical work that my clinical rotations for school require. The semester that is about to begin is supposedly the most difficult of the program, and I will not be able to drive to see him as often as I was last semester. I think I'm just going through a "me first" stage, I'm feeling pretty selfish actually, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to feel like his efforts are enough. They aren't enough at the moment anyways. I still feel neglected, or rather, I feel like there are many "little things" he should be doing (or at least TRYING to do) for me right now that he isn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:07pm
I don't think you're acting in a selfish manner at all, Bayoaks; I really don't. I think everything you're feeling and thinking is right on.


I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway. Living with his sister is no assurance. He's still able to live his own life, living with sis may not allow him to bring girls home, but there are plenty of other places to rendezvous. If he's going to cheat, he'll do it regardless, though I understand your feeling the need for having an eye on him. A lot of this feeling is because it's so fresh. Assuming things go well and your relationship recovers, you'll get to the point that you accept that if he's going to cheat he will, regardless of any restrictions. I'm certain that being long distance makes you more anxious too, and I can't say that I blame you there, either. You have much less contact and the need to take his word for what he's doing, at a time when you can't trust his word. That's difficult.


I understand your concern that this added stress comes at a bad time, when there will be more demands made on your time, focus and energy, you don't need the drain of this issue too. I'm sorry that you're having health issues, how long have you been dealing with that? I'm sure you know stress can affect your health, and if this situation didn't play a part in your illness, it's certainly not going to make your recovery any faster or easier.


Considering what you've said, I would really urge you to see a therapist asap. Starting to work through the issues and the stress will help relieve it and help you deal with it in a healthier way, which will improve every aspect you're concerned about.


You said right now you don't feel like he's doing little things he should be doing for you. What is it he's not doing?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 6:34pm
Thank you. I think I'm just so frazzled about everything right now that I'm all over the place with my emotions. I've been having my current health issues for about a month and a half at this point. I'm frustrated b/c I had a whole mess of ultrasounds (full abdominal and pelvic) done two weeks ago and was told I'd have results in 2 or 3 days. Now that it's been two full weeks with nothing but some preliminary report about my left kidney - I'm pretty upset about my doctor's lack of communication. My b/f has actually started to realize that there are little things he can do to help me out, and he has finally started doing them. There was a Playstation 3 we purchased that we were not able to sell, so I asked him to return it to the store so I could have that $$ back; and it took him a few days, but he did it. Mostly, what I was wanting was something like an e-card or for him to put up our New Year's Eve pic on his MySpace (he has another pic of us up that I don't care for), and go through his friends list and remove random girls (they were there before we got together, but they aren't his friends, just girls I guess he thought were hot or something). I wouldn't want anything that costs money, as I don't believe in buying forgiveness or that spending money reflects how sorry you are or how much you love someone, and flowers aren't supposed to say "I'm Sorry". B/c of the distance, online things are essentially all he can do; but he is planning on driving here to see me again this week. I actually don't think I know what I want him to do, I can't really focus on anything right now, all I know is that I didn't feel like he was doing enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:01pm
You want him to do more, don't think he's doing enough, but don't really know what you want him to be doing. Believe it or not, I understand. You want him to make this right, you want him to make this not have happened, for him not to have done what he did. Yes, he can and should be doing what he can to show he's actively working to make this right, but he can't make this not have happened. This is fresh, it'll be better with time. But, a therapist is really important to help you get through the betrayal so it doesn't stick with you and become baggage that follows you through life.


I can't believe I haven't posted these for you already, but they may help you; at least in knowing you aren't alone in how you're feeling:

Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:05am
It sounds as if he is truely remorseful and it might be enough for him to never do it again. If you want to make it work it is up to you to be able to trust him again. If he ever drinks again, will you be wondering if he will cheat again. Your inability to forgive him will be the undoing of the relationship if you stick it out. If you are the kind of person who can forgive and forget, and you believe he does love you and treats you well in all other aspects I think it can work. I could never stay in such a relationship, because i have trust issues and what he did, I could never let go of and would end up driving myself crazy (and him as well) wondering when it would happen again. If you can TRULEY forgive and leave it in the past and he shows he loves you, not just says it I think some couples can move forward.
Good Luck with what ever decision you make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:13am

I always believe in the old saying "Once a cheat always a cheat". But whatever your gut is telling you, is what you should follow. You will always remember what he did. ALWAYS...You will never forget it. That is the only thing.
But then on the other hand he was drinking, you do stupid ass things when you drink...If he swears off alcohol, great!

What I would do? Cheat to be equal. Then you do not have to worry about forgiving or forgetting. Because you will be equal. That would be the only way "I" would be able to go on with my relationship with him. But to each there own.
People who read this will probably think total opposite, but that is just me. You have to be you....

I love my fiance', but damnit if he told me he cheated I would either have to leave because of "the old saying", or do the same, cheat....