forgivable mistake or not?
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| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm |
My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.
So confused....

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I'm glad to know he offered to get an apartment in the same city, that's good, much, much better than wanting to move in as I thought! I know it can't be easy living 200 miles apart and leads to a lot of unknown too, his drinking and his fidelity are much more easily hidden long distance. I know he's been very honest about his infidelity, but please know that the most honest and upright man will lie about his addiction. He won't lie about anything else, but he'll lie to protect that.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like you are both on the right track, and I agree that you shouldn't move in together at this point. Maybe your college has free counseling?
If you want to stay in the relationship, I would give it my all and expect no less from him. It sounds good that you are talking about it. I think that time will tell. You may find that in a few months, you can't get past this, he may start drinking uncontrollably again, etc. Or you may be closer than ever before. He should be doing things for you 24/7 right now. I would also ask yourself and him if any of this had to do with the problems you were going through at the time. You deserve someone who will support you through tough times, not walk away. So I would wait and reassess in a few months. Good luck.
What is it that makes you concerned that you'll be needier than to be able to continue a long distance relationship if he gets this job?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway. Living with his sister is no assurance. He's still able to live his own life, living with sis may not allow him to bring girls home, but there are plenty of other places to rendezvous. If he's going to cheat, he'll do it regardless, though I understand your feeling the need for having an eye on him. A lot of this feeling is because it's so fresh. Assuming things go well and your relationship recovers, you'll get to the point that you accept that if he's going to cheat he will, regardless of any restrictions. I'm certain that being long distance makes you more anxious too, and I can't say that I blame you there, either. You have much less contact and the need to take his word for what he's doing, at a time when you can't trust his word. That's difficult.
I understand your concern that this added stress comes at a bad time, when there will be more demands made on your time, focus and energy, you don't need the drain of this issue too. I'm sorry that you're having health issues, how long have you been dealing with that? I'm sure you know stress can affect your health, and if this situation didn't play a part in your illness, it's certainly not going to make your recovery any faster or easier.
Considering what you've said, I would really urge you to see a therapist asap. Starting to work through the issues and the stress will help relieve it and help you deal with it in a healthier way, which will improve every aspect you're concerned about.
You said right now you don't feel like he's doing little things he should be doing for you. What is it he's not doing?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I can't believe I haven't posted these for you already, but they may help you; at least in knowing you aren't alone in how you're feeling:
Getting Over an AffairHealing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Good Luck with what ever decision you make.
I always believe in the old saying "Once a cheat always a cheat". But whatever your gut is telling you, is what you should follow. You will always remember what he did. ALWAYS...You will never forget it. That is the only thing.
But then on the other hand he was drinking, you do stupid ass things when you drink...If he swears off alcohol, great!
What I would do? Cheat to be equal. Then you do not have to worry about forgiving or forgetting. Because you will be equal. That would be the only way "I" would be able to go on with my relationship with him. But to each there own.
People who read this will probably think total opposite, but that is just me. You have to be you....
I love my fiance', but damnit if he told me he cheated I would either have to leave because of "the old saying", or do the same, cheat....
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