forgivable mistake or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
forgivable mistake or not?
50
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm

My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.

So confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 12:25pm
I really think that it was because of the alcohol, but you're right that I'll never forget it. I hope that he will not give me a reason to worry about it, and that I can push it to the back of my mind so we can have a functioning relationship. As for cheating on him to get even - it certainly occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to be so angry and hurt if I had done the same thing; but not only can I not take the whole "eye for an eye" stance, I could never have any kind of sexual contact with someone I don't love or at least care about deeply. I know it's fairly acceptable now to just have sex with someone you find attractive and don't love or know well, but I'm way too conservative for that. Not to mention the myriad of STD's or even pregnancy that could possibly be the result. Also, unless I were to just get totally drunk at a bar and let some strange man take me home (how disgusting is that?!), it wouldn't be even. If I picked a guy out for the purpose of cheating with and then proceeded to do so, I would be MUCH more wrong than my b/f and what he did. I know I should probably leave him and spare myself any more grief, but as I've already said, I don't feel like I'm going to hurt more by waiting to see if things will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:18pm

Hello.

I don't mean to jump in, but after reading your story my heart told me to offer some words of care.

I just wanted to say ...

This must be a very difficult time for you. And I'm sorry you have to deal with the memories of your past and your bf's awful mistake. But my first word of advice is to work on yourself before you even begin to think about what is going on with your boyfriend. I would start by seeking a therapist. You need to recover from your past before your relationship becomes too complicated. Before you spend most of your time thinking about what is going on with your relationship, when that might not be the real problem.

Healing your scars will help you stop relationships that have potential to repeat. You are lucky to be so young ... you have so much to offer the world (never forget that). I would just take some time off from everything and focus on YOU. Because YOU are number one! YOU are priority! Your health, body, mind and soul are yours ... take care of them!

This sounds horrible. But, forget the boyfriend for a while. You don't need all that junk blocking your road towards being the best you can be. Break free. Start by seeking a good therapist (I love them). And keep this mind...

1. history repeats, if not stopped.
2. promises are just words.
3. there are no excuses for disrespecting your trust.
4. you have to love yourself, before you love anyone else.
5. alcoholism is a long road.
6. YOU are number one.
7. cheating can happen again.
8. Your love and time is precious!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:39pm
Hey I don't know if you have recevied any replys but...The one thing I can say is listen to your heart only you know if you can handle (forgive and forget) this situation. My husband had a emotional affair with a women and that was something far worst than a 4 minute fling..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:04pm

Hey
This is just kind of a bad situation. On one hand you want to forgive him because he is being honest and it sounds like you think that you have a strong relationship with a loving partner. On the other hand if you do forgive him for what he has done will you ever truly be able to forgive him? I mean like if he goes out with friends are you going to be suspicous of his every action, if an old friend gets in contact with him and wants to have coffee are you going to be able to trust him enough to allow him to do that. If you think that you are going to be able to trust him enough to do these things and arent going to be torturing yourself over what he is doing everytime you are not together than maybe it is worth trying to work through. If you are going to be paranoid and stressed out that he might do it again which honestly now that he has done it once is a possibility or maybe not i dont know him then i would personally kick him to the curb. I know that i was with a guy who cheated on me and I forgave him but the relationship was never the same again and a year later after we had moved in together i figured out that i never was really going forgive him so i left and afterwards i found out that he had been a repeat offender (not that all guys are, I mean some are genuinely good people who made a mistake)So basically I think that you should consider how it is going to effect your relationship and whether you can truly forgive, forget and then trust him

Hope this helps at least a little bit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:19pm
Alcohol may loosen inhibitions, but it won't make someone who is certain of being faithful unfaithful. Alcohol is not the problem, Bayoaks, it's just the means that brought the problem to light. If alcohol were the reason, that wouldn't explain why he continued to cheat after that first drunken time.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:11pm
He hasn't continued to cheat, it's just been the once. I think I will be able to start trusting him again at some point - I just don't know when yet. I know that it would certainly help if we were able to spend more than a weekend together, so if things improve then I think we will probably try to spend a week or two together over spring break or during the summer. I can't afford a therapist and still haven't plucked up the courage to talk to the women's shelter about counseling, but I have been doing some browsing through a few message boards and I saw a book recommended to a poster called "Are you the one for me?" by Barbara DeAngelis, so I went out yesterday and it seemed like it might help me out. I bought a copy and have been reading it and doing the quizzes/exercises, and I like it a lot. I think it's helping me figure out why my past relationships were so bad, and why I chose the guys I chose. I also found a really neat book I've had for a while but never could bring myself to do, a workbook for survivors of domestic abuse; so I think I'll start to work on that sometime soon also. I'm really trying right now to focus on me, what's wrong (emotionally) with me and how to improve those things. I don't think I can "fix" my relationship with my b/f until I "fix" myself, so I'm communicating a lot with him but not trying to really come up with a plan or anything. Right now I'm at the point where I know I love him and I want to try to get through this, but I'm certainly not going to jump ahead and push for anything like living together or getting engaged or anything like that. Also, I want to make sure that he has had enough time to get his problems sorted out as well; especially the financial ones as they seem to be what's bothering him the most lately. I've told him about the book and he has been supportive (but somewhat worried about the results), and he might even read it when I'm finished. I think it's hard for him to get help from another person b/c he's embarassed (I feel like that often as well), but a book can offer some help also and might be a good place to start... Have any of ya'll come across any books that were really helpful? Or am I just putting too much stock into printed words?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:57pm

I feel very deeply on this subject as it happened with my husband (boyfriend at the time) about 2 years ago. Yes, what he did was very, very wrong. No, you do not have to feel bad about giving him another chance. The feeling of embarrassment was one I had to go through. I kept asking myself, do I tell my family and friends? What I realized was if I loved him as was going to try to trust him. I had to trust my decision. If he cheated again, I was going to have to deal with my embarrassment about that too. By hiding it from everyone to protect him, I was saying I needed to hide it from myself. If I was willing to defend him to the people I loved (and he was willing to defend himself) I knew the impact would be felt harder but the healing and true realization would begin.

I am not saying this is an easy road. I still feel serious pain over it, but I love him and he has worked so hard to build a life for us. He has to talk about it still, and yes I do worry about it happening again. But we take it day by day. I am learning to trust him and trust my own judgement. I know that I made a decision to rebuild - not to forget. The cheating came from a bad/irresponsible place within him (and he was drunk we both know it is no excuse) and we were in a bad place in our relationship due to moving/distance problems like you. I promised myself I would commit to hearing myself- what I wanted and ask him to do the same. If he didn't want to be there he was free to go, but if he did, he had to really commit, communicate openly, and follow the steps I needed to help myself gain some security.

We're happy- I hope forever, but I will say I have sat awake at night crying and wondering. That's a feeling we don't want to put ourselves through. I believe in second chances, but you have to trust yourself and your ability to stand up for what you honestly believe. Whether that is to stay together or say goodbye - now and each day in the future. Make your own decisions, but only if you really believe you aren't lying to yourself or selling yourself short.




Edited 1/8/2007 5:05 pm ET by j78784444
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:58pm
Also, reading always helps. The words aren't gospel, but the thoughts of others will help you sort out your problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:09pm
Great posts, J78784444 ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:19pm
Sorry, sorry, sorry, Bayoaks. Somehow I was thinking this was a guy who cheated drunk first, then continued to cheat with the same girl over a several month period. I apologize.


The book, "Are You the One For Me" is one I highly recommend, but it can't take the place of abuse counseling, neither can a workbook or any online source. You need the real deal. Face to face, where the therapist can get to understand you, what your past is, what small seemingly insignificant incident or lesson learned as a child may have triggered a whole buried belief or thought process, etc. You cannot believe how much can be understood through therapy, and it can't be done without it. You'll struggle with a workbook and not ever reach where you need to be because you don't have the added necessity of someone trained to understand your interpretations, your thinking and the root of it. Suck in your breath and make that call. Your only regret will be having waited so long. I know how hard it is to take that first step, you just have to do it, it's for yourself, for your future, for your life's happiness.

You probably didn't, but I liked Jazzyyellowjeep's suggestion of putting the relationship on hold and working on yourself, that makes a lot of sense.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"