forgivable mistake or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
forgivable mistake or not?
50
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm

My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.

So confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:33pm


Dear Bayoaksprincess,

If your friend came to you with this situation what would you advise them?
On that note normally I would say once a cheater always a cheater, but people do make mistakes. I wouldn’t let it go too easily though. It is something that you both are going to have to work through together if you decide to stay with him. The one thing that I think you should look at is are you choosing to stay because he is someone you can talk to and he is there? PLEASE do not settle because you think that you can not do better. Good Luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:34pm

Hey bayoaks......I think it's forgivable (only because I believe in forgiving and don't believe infidelity is the worst thing someone can do) but my bigger concern is that he does things he is later disgusted with. I also tend to question that he didn't know what he was doing.....after all, lots of people get drunk and don't get naked with someone...where did that come from? There might be some underlying issue there as well that he chose to cheat, using booze as the excuse.

My concern is with YOU not with analyzing him. Please trust your inner guide. Listen to your heart - and the simple fact that you are looking for guidance tells me you know the answer already: what he did was not OK, shows immaturity and perhaps scary dysfunction, and huge disrespect/disregard for you. What if he infects you with something? What if he does something really worse? Seriously, unless he is getting professional help - meaning AA and perhaps a counselor - be very wary about this man. I suggest you also consider Alanon, so you can understand your own behavior and what normal, healthy limits in a relationship are.

Having said all that - perhaps he is a wonderful man, once he gets some counseling to stop drinking. I believe in second chances, true love, and people's ability to really change. Tell him you love him but set limits and then stick to them. Don't let him treat you poorly and then forgive him again and again. That is called enabling.

Dr Phil will also say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So if you forgive him, also be realistic and not naive.

My best advice to you: if one of your girlfriends who you loved very, very much came to you with this problem, what advice would you give her? Now respect yourself and love yourself enough to take that very same advice. You deserve to be cherished by a faithful, healthy man.

Good luck darlin'

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 6:11pm

Hi Northwestwanderer,
I wanted to give you the perspective from someone has cheated before. I cheated on my husband 2 years ago. The circumstances were different at the time. My husband had been deported from the country. The day he had to leave, I became physically ill and missed him very much. Three months after the deportation with no end in sight, I friend of his offered his friendship to me. I had tea at his home one day and he came to my home on the 4th of July.

I regret that day very much and told my husband about it 2 months later. I have not cheated again since (by the way it took 2 years to get my husband home). I can tell you that my reason for cheating had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my own insecurities.

My husband chose to forgive me to forgive me and I am so grateful for his forgiveness.

Before I cheated on my husband the temptation/thought never entered my mind. To be 100% honest, now that it's happened once, the temptation does enter my mind occasionally when things are going very bad, but I control my urge and get no were near that point I did that day.

I think the choice to forgive is individual and I don't think you would be a fool to forgive him. I think the foolish choice would be to do something that is not in your heart.

I also agree that you don't want to rush into anything further, until you have had more time to evaluate the relationship and to heal from your past relationship.

Best of Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:10pm
Thank you SO much!!! What you wrote is exactly what I've been wanting to hear, I just needed to know that there are actually couples out there who have made it through this and are now happy. Not that this means my relationship will turn out like that, but just that it can actually happen and it is possible. Thank you!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 8:04pm

Hi, did you mean to address this the original poster, rather than me?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:15pm
My advice is to go with what you feel. If you feel he is being sincere in his apology and changing his party lifestyle then try to work it out. If you feel you can trust him after him cheating on you once and not be suspicious about his where abouts and what he is up to when you are not around then try to work it out. However, if you can no longer trust him then it will never work. Honesty, trust and commitment are the only things that can make a relationship work! I wish you all the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:12am
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:07pm

I'm glad you found some reassurance in my words, and I hope you are looking at the situation with open eyes and an alert mind. Most of my friends who have been cheated on and forgave their partner, unfortunately, have been cheated on again. I took a very big chance, and in a lot of ways, will always be taking a chance.

When your gut tells you to trust someone, you have to figure out if that is coming from your heart, mind, or both. Sometimes we lie to ourselves to protect ourselves. This usually hurts us more in the end. That is one of the reasons I encourage you to talk about it and read about it. The more you realize your true feelings, the more likely you are to make a decision you are proud of. You are the one who has to face it and deal with it everyday, and you have to deal with the pain and doubt that comes along with your choice. Remember that there is pain and healing whether you ditch the relationship now or you stay in the relationship. Both roads are hard, and both can lead to growth within yourself.

I hope you make the right choice for you, and it makes you stronger. I know I'm getting stronger every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:13pm

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These two statements don't sound like 'happy' or at all reassuring to me. It sounds very much like 2 years later you're still struggling over it.

Are you in counseling?




Edited 1/9/2007 3:15 pm ET by lurkerdelux
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:50pm

No, I am not in counciling. I have worked through this with the honesty and support of my friends and family.

I was trying to highlight that the immediate future after someone is unfaithful is hard. I didn't want bayoaks to misunderstand me and think I was saying you can smooth it over and its all fine and dandy.

Yes, I do worry about it happening again. It would be naive of me to pretend like it could never happen again. I do still feel pain over it sometimes. I don't cry over it anymore. Events in our life are a part of who we are- realizing the emotions that go along with them help us to go stronger and love life more.